Soon to be MIL, new baby, don't really want contact AIBU?

[DeFluffMyFanjo]

Bit long but dont want to AIBU by stealth. My DP and I have been together 4 years, I am currently 6 months pregnant and we are engaged.

His DF died unexpectedly before I met DP (about 5 months before). When I first met him he was visiting his DM and going out for dinner with her etc about 2-3 times a week. Plus lots of calls / helping her round house etc.

First time I met her she said to me (in front of him) that his DSis was her favourite child!! He didn't blink, conversation moved on but I couldn't believe she'd said it. Later that same night, when he wasnt with us, she told me that she thought he should lose weight and I should tell him so.

Couple of months later she met a new man. Since then:

• She told DP she didnt want to see him at Christmas as her and new man just wanted to be on their own
• Everytime he asked to go out with her / go see her she would only agree if new man could go too (many instances of DP having to see new man sat in his father's chair at the family house)
• Bought 10 new cars in the last 2 years (including 2 porsches) and a motorbike (for new man) and a caravan. Each time buys a new car she trades in within couple of months, losing a fortune in the process
• DP asked her if he could borrow £400 off her when his car kaput, she said no
• When we go out with them she acts like a 16 year old, dirty dancing with new man, talking about their sex life etc etc
• At a dinner party with family, including my 4 yr old dd, she brought out a cock ring and threw it across the table as she thought it was funny
• Constantly making comments about how her and new man had spent day in bed and how great in bed he was etc. This would bother me and my parents have been happily married for 40 years, but for DP his father had only died 8 months before...

There are lots of other instances but this is getting long.

Anyway, she received £250k from DP's father's estate and we've now found out that she gave £100k to new man and did not get it in writing at all. She's now split up with him but seems to have 'written off' this money totally. DP very upset as it was his dad's money (if you see what I mean) and now a 'total' stranger has it.

So they've split up now and I'm expecting a baby, and suddenly shes interested in us again, wants to see us more etc.

AIBU in wanting nothing to do with her as when she needed him she was happy to see him but then when she got a new man she dropped DP like a hot potato. Also, she was giving away (£100k!!) of the 'familys' money yet wouldnt lend him £400 to fix his car?

Oh sorry - forgot a bit. For her recent birthday we went out for a meal with her where she was all over new man. Afterwards she walked us to the car and told us she's secretly bought a flat and was moving her stuff to it bit by bit but didnt want to break up with new man till all the decorating at new flat was finished!!!! So was still acting as though they were together, sex etc as she didnt want to live with the smell of fresh paint!! I just think she has no morals and don't want her near me or my children - AIBU??

she sounds vile, but really its up to your dp whether he wants to see her or not and you to support that decision.

so yabu

Just don't give her any money.

And don't let her bully/hassle over the baby when he/she is born. Or the wedding.

YABU to not want to see her.

She does sound hideous with a bizarre sense of humour.

Can you phase her out of your lives more and more?

The money she inherited though is hers to do with as she wishes. I'm not condoning her being mean enough not to lend your dp money but it's hers to throw at whomsoever she wants.

What's your sil-to-be like?

This all rings a bell, did you post about this before?

She sounds a bit nuts but I suppose her money, her choices etc.

It's up to your DP if he wants to keep on seeing her I suppose.

She sounds absolutely awful and I don't blame you at all for not wanting her around your DC. Having said that it is ultimately your DP's call and I would just go with it if he wants them to have a relationship. You never know ... she may be a wonderful grandmother. Obviously if dodgy things (like talking about sex in front of the DCs) start happening then you will need to deal with those then.

YANBU but you can't stop your DP seeing her if he wants. You don't have to see her.

She sounds as though she's having a tough time with her husbands death, and perhaps she's really feeling it now and wants to rebuild bridges?

It's possible she got knocked for six and went a bit haywire. It's difficult for some people to be on their own after so long with someone, if you'd not known her much before her husbands death, you could be missing the bigger picture.

Yes, this all sounds very familiar. You have posted about this in the past, haven't you?

You haven't said how your dp feels. Does he still want to see his mother?

I think the money is irrelevant. It was inherited by her and is up to her to spend how she wishes. Although you may find it irritating and irresponsible that she has effectively given a large portion of it away to a stranger, that is her prerogative.

You don't have to like her or respect her or spend a lot of time with her, but I think that your fiance's relationship with his mother is their business. If it's not a battle he wants to take on and resolve more assertively then it's not your place to do it for him. And, even if you take on his battle, he's not going to be better off for not seeing his mother. I'll be honest, she sounds odd and a pain in the neck.... BUT let me tell you about a relative of mine..

My aunt's DIL has decided to cut her MIL out of her life based on something to do with my cousin's childhood which my aunt won't discuss. We can't imagine what it might be. Something she's ashamed of anyway. So whatever it is, she feels guilty, shame.. That is punishment enough.

My aunt's distress is extreme. Whatever she did, she did 30 years ago when times were different, she had four children all close in age to look after. She is being judged by a younger woman in different times with more money and a family quarter the size. Her own son never felt the need to cut out his mother and until his wife and his mother fell out over something trivial, none of this business from the pass was produced in evidence against the mil. But becuase he is quite spineless, his mother now never sees her grandchildren.

To me, my cousin's wife comes across as a demented bully with delusions of being some sort of nemesis.

Thank you for all responses. Its a bit weird how I feel. The fact that she was so horrible to him (both about his sister, his weight and the Christmas / car thing) really bothers me but doesn't seem to bother him too much (although he did cry about the Christmas thing). I think that's because she has told him he was stupid since he was a child.

He says its easier if he doesn't see her but I think he would love to have a normal relationship with her really. The issue is for me (selfish I know) if he doesnt see her at all I dont have to worry about it but if he does see her then I'll have to too because she will want to see the new baby. I just dont want to spend the first few months of the new baby's life arguing over the fact that I don't want her to babysit (which I don't).

I know the money isn't his but I think (to me anyway) that giving £100k to a stranger (your new man after about 12m) and not giving either of your children any money from the estate at all, is morally wrong. Certainly buying porsches and motorbikes and spending money like it was a trust fund rather than your dead husband's estate was really hard for DP and his sister to watch.

His DSis is nice, we get on fine. She thinks her mum is crazy but 'is still her mum' if you see what I mean. She lives 200 miles away though!

I agree with bleep it sounds like she went a bit nuts after losing her dh and as you didn't know her then its a bit hard to judge, I would support your dp in whatever he feels comfortable doing and see how it goes.

Its her money though, not "family money". She sounds like she lost the plot quite badly to be honest, I'd be worried about her mental health.

Your responsibility here is to support your husband before anything else. Let him decide what to do. You can of course make decisions about your dc when it comes, but you shouldn't be controlling his relationship with his mother, that has to be up to him.

I say back off for now, support him, and leave the topic alone as much as possible. Let some dust settle in the 3 months before baby comes and see what happens then.

Hello, think you could be right there poo (snigger).

Thing is that although its not 'family money' I think its really weird that you'd give a new man so much cash and not your own children anything. Maybe I'm money obsessed (I'm currently 6m pregnant, working nearly full time, knackered with my 4 yr old being up in the night constantly and WISHING SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME £100K SO I CAN GIVE UP WORK EARLY!!!). Rant over.

I think it was also the sneaky way she was acting all over him at that meal but secretly had been planning to leave him for ages and all the other people at the table knew (not us till we got outside and she told us). I thought that was horrible behaviour.

No chance do I want her near me nor my children, nor DP if Im honest. I think thats what winds me up, IABU as its his mother but I dont understand why he doesnt grow a pair and tell her how vile she is (in my fantasys) or (in real life) have an adult conversation re how hurt hes been. Surely that would be a good thing to do? But it seems hes terrified of her. Bah.

I'd be well pissed off too, don't get me wrong, but at the end of the day she can do what she wants with it, however stupid/mad/whatever it is.

You're right that it prob would be better if he had it out with her, but you know him, is it likely? I'm guessing not, and also guessing he won't appreciate you making him feel worse about it.

Trust me I know plenty about men and their strange mothers, and its got to be his deal. You get all the opinions you want when it comes to her and your children, but between him and her... for all your sakes, stand back. Nothing you can do will make it any better, and no-one will thank you for trying, trust me.

Much sympathies.

Im defintely hearing you. Its so weird because hes not normally quite and retiring but with her?? God she could spit at him and he wouldn't react. Really weird.

I've been talking to him about the things shes done and I'm sat there open mouthed going 'But she did THIS, and THIS...' and he just says 'Shes mad but shes my mother'

So I think you're right, time to shut up before we start rowing about it constantly.

quiet even not quite!

So she's made a lot of mistakes - well her husband died (one assumes) at a relatively young age and very suddenly. She's gona bit nuts afterwards and is probably very hard work but she is still your partners mother and your child's grandparent. You need to swallow your irritation and help her through the complete fuck up her life has become. Show some compassion please. You don't have to see her all the time but you shouldn't think about abandoning her.

DeFluffMyFanjo - (great name by the way ) I can see where you're coming from as I also have a MIL who treats her son like a piece of dirt and makes it quite obvious that his DSis is her "favourite".
My DH also can't seem to confront his Mum about how she makes him feel (although would quite happily tell me if I had upset him).
However, I have the opposite problem to you in that, my MIL is not interested in our 2 boys, and this is what pisses me off. She makes such a fuss of SIL's kids but never even phones to see how ours are....and she only lives 6 doors away from us !!!!
At the end of the day, she is your DP's Mum, and it's not worth falling out with him over her, as I have learnt the hard way.

YANBU

I'd give her a wide berth

NL - valid point. His father died totally unexpectedly, was 60. She was 57.

Problem is I understand (as much as I can having not been through it) the grief and going off the rails. BUT, when we've tried to help her she just wont let you. So when she wanted something done in the garden she rang DP and he said sure I'll come over tonight. That wasn't quick enough so she started doing it herself, hurt herself then gets another male relative to help her who is then all 'Why on earth isn't your son helping you?'

Or when all the financial stuff started DP said to her that was she ok and she needed a solicitor to get things in writing etc etc and she told him to mind his own business.

Thing is think I agree with majority of posters who say 'grin and bear it'. Unfortunately Im rubbish at that, I'm very fighty bitey

nobody's good at dealing with their life collapsing though are they. When you have a partner in the house all the time and you ask them to do stuff either you have a row about it or it just gets done. There is no waiting around and I guess somebody whose been married a while will forget that and judge your dp's time to respond correspondingly harshly. And the financial stuff - she gave him pocket money and boght his school shoes - she's hardly going to lovingly embrace the notion he knows more now than her.

I give you full credit though for taking this on board and recognising your own character and the fact that you are obvioulsy and naturally defensive of your partner and your baby. I think there's an awful lot going on here and you're probably never going to be number one favourite person with her but there is still ground that can be built on and I reckon you can forge something out of this.

Although if she gives the baby a cock ring to teethe on you should definately have words! That was just bizarre - whatever the circumstances!

WOW What's happened to 'family'?

Can you not expect loyalty, support, sensitivity or fairness from them anymore? Where are we supposed to get these values? What do we teach our children? Mutual love and respect?

We drag you up and then ditch you. We'll estrange you and whoever chooses to make a life with you. We'll be ambivalent (at best) about your children. And don't expect us to leave you anything when we die you little bastard?

Nice.

I'm one of those loons that go around expecting (some) things from family but you know what?
They can expect the same back from me.

None of it involves a cock ring Nasty woman!

There seems to me to be two separate issues here -

1. your MIL's behaviour since her husband's death and
2. your MIL's behaviour towards your DP throughout his life.

Her post-bereavment behaviour - it's reasonable to think she was grief-stricken and was subsequently targetted by a con-man. Con-men would not exist if they could not manipulate people, maybe this one even specialised in recent widows. It sticks in the throat I know, but I'd be prepared to feel pity towards her for anything that happened in this period. I have read threads here on MN where the OP is the bewildered sucker and really felt for them. As for the secretly preparing to split with him - well maybe she had to do it that way to get out of his clutches? I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

It's the behaviour towards your DP throughout his life that I would have the main problem with. She's told him he's stupid all his life. "He says its easier if he doesn't see her but I think he would love to have a normal relationship with her really." Well, if he doesn't want to see her, you (you, DP and offspring) don't have to see her. It's not compulsory. If MIL kicks up about it, you and DP stand united and resist. If you don't want her babysitting, refuse all offers. It's for you and DP to decide what you both want here, and if you don't want contact with her, YANBU.