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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about school mums

26 replies

mumof2monsters · 05/10/2009 16:20

I was stood at the school today waiting for my kids and stood with some of the mums who I have stood and chatted to for the last year.
They were all talking about their christmas night out and what they were going to eat etc but no-one had invited me
I felt really awkward and left out and it took me back to being in the school playground 30 years ago. I felt so awkward I walked off.
I have been invited on nights out in the past by one of the mums in the group who I knew for a while before the others but never been able to go as my hubby and I work shifts. Recently I have been a little withdrawn from them as one of my close friends shot himself dead four weeks ago and I have struggled to cope and not been particularly sociable.
I did tell one of the mums who I knew well about his. The mum I know really well was not there today.
I felt so awkward and really upset and left out. I wish they had not discussed infront of me. I just feel like they don't like me . {sad}

OP posts:

RubysReturn · 05/10/2009 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reikizen · 05/10/2009 16:23

I'm pretty sure if they didn't like you they would have held the conversation in private. Most people are pretty cowardly and won't openly leave someone out to hurt them, it sounds more like they have either made a subconcious decision you are not a 'going out' sort of person as you have always turned down offers before or genuinely not realised they are leaving you out.

AMumInScotland · 05/10/2009 16:28

I'm sure they didn't mean to be unfriendly - but quite often if you're not able to go a few times, or not keen or whatever, then they'll just assume there's no point in mentioning it. And if they were talking about it, they wouldn't stop just because you were there, because it wasn't meant to be unfriendly IYSWIM?

I'd find a chance to speak to them - maybe just one or two, not the whole mob, and say you wondered if you might be able to come along too this year since the shifts are different now. I'm sure they'd be happy to include you.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that must be very difficult to deal with, and make everything esle feel much sharper than it normally would.

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP · 05/10/2009 16:28

It's easy for me to say as I'm not there, but it's possible you could be overreacting. I know I thought my neighbour was being really off with me, but when I chatted to her the next time she couldn't avoid me it turned out she had all sorts of problems, and I really did think I'd done something to offend her.

By that token, if you admit you've been a unsociable with them becuase of the awful situation with your friends death, it could be that they're just giving you a bit of space if they see you're perhaps not as sociable as you normally are? If they came up and were talking to you all the time they might feel as though they were imposing?

I'm only guessing. One things for sure, you shouldn't read too much into a quick interaction at the school gates, I'm sure they've all got their own problems/ups and downs and would feel terrible if they thought they'd upset you

annh · 05/10/2009 16:34

Why are people talking about what they are going to eat on a Christmas night out at the beginning of October?!

bibbitybobbityCAT · 05/10/2009 16:38

That was exactly my initial reaction ann! They sound a rather pitiful group to me and, if they were excluding mo2m - whether deliberately or unthinkingly - then, mo2m, I do wonder why you would want to be involved with this shower?

LyraSilvertongue · 05/10/2009 16:40

It sounds like they assumed you had already been invited, or that you wouldn't want to go as you've turned down offers before. Have a quiet word with the mum you're most friendly with.

purpleduck · 05/10/2009 16:43

I bet they have just organised it, and they all thought someone else had asked you - or they planned it just after your friends suicide, and they didn't think you would be up for thinking about it.

Usually these things are "the more the merrier", so just take a deep breath and ask what it is all about, and say you can make it.

I always have a "the more the merrier" approach to these things, but I do find that if someone says "no" a few times I don't tend to ask anymore - nothing personal, I just assume they can't (and would feel bad knowing what they are missing out on) or don't want to.

Don't assume the worst!

(sorry about your friend btw)

Original poster

mumof2monsters · 05/10/2009 16:46

Thanks for your comments. I just hate the whole school politics thing. I am quite a shy person and try hard to chat and feel part of things but it just so happens most of the nights organised in the past have been when either I am working or hubby is working so cannot go cos of the kids.
I wanted to say something but felt awkward incase they did not want me to go.
I am sure that I am just being sensitive at the moment as I feel so upset by my friends death but they were all kind of talking across me and I felt uncomfortable.
I think I would find it hard to crash the night out not sure what to do. Should I just avoid standing with them then I would not feel so upset in the future.

OP posts:

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP · 05/10/2009 16:54

I must admit, I stand apart from the other mums, even though I've known them for about five years, just to avoid all this are they/areen't they being funny with me shit. I say hello, sometimes make small talk, and they seem to just accept that's who I am and are still OK with me. I don't feel bad about it any more, it's just how I deal with the intense uncomfortable...ness I have with crowds of people. Just do what you feel OK with and let them think what they like.

AMumInScotland · 05/10/2009 16:55

I think you'll only be hurting yourself if you don't chat to them, when you always have up till now - they'll think you don't want to be friendly, not that you're trying to avoid being hurt.

Do you get a chance to talk to just one or two of them at a time sometimes? I guess it would be hard to talk in a big group about how you're feeling right now, but if you said to one or two separately about how hard you're finding it because of your loss, I'd think they'd then pass that on to others, and all try a bit more to make you feel included.

I don't expect they wewre trying to exclude you - unless they're real cows normally - just it can be hard in a big group to talk properly, and everyone ends up shouting over each other and past you if you're not feeling able to jump right in there and join in the shouting.

Original poster

mumof2monsters · 05/10/2009 17:08

They are all quite loud outgoing types and I am fairly quite and not one to be so chatty and have gone out for the day with them before and had a good time but I just thought it was a little rude to ask everyone stood there if they had paid deposits, what the food was etc and just ignore me.
I had to walk away as felt quite upset may just avoid them tomorrow as don't want them to see how upset I am by it. Thanks all for your comments. I wish you were the mums at the gate as you all sound so nice!!

OP posts:

purpleduck · 05/10/2009 22:56

Darlin,
Make an effort. If they snub you, then you know that they are not "friend material" THEY, not you. Most people have insecurities as well - I find people are more the same than different, so have a go. If you avoid them then you are only going to find it harder to talk to them again.

BTW, This has happened to me too, and I just think of all the things that I plan, and I don't invite EVERYONE. 99.99% of the time its not personal, just a case of whoever happens to be there in the planning stage tends to get in on the invites.....all the more reason to find people to hang out with - even if its not them.

Take Care

Original poster

mumof2monsters · 06/10/2009 14:38

Spoke to a friend at work today and have been brave and text the mum I knew better than the others and asked if I am allowed to come out and play...decided to keep it jokey. Explained I have felt low lately and a bit anti social but would love to come.
She text back and said she would check with the other mum and see if she can add to the restaurant booking.
Felt quite brave texting as I would normally just let these things get to me and get upset by them.
Off to pick the kids up in half hour so a bit wary of whether any of the mums will talk to me or mention the night out.

I so hate this playground rubbish but feel I have to do it as a few of the mums daughters are really friendly with my daughter. I will be so glad in a few years when I can stand at the gate away from the classroom and wait for the kids there. I see quite a few mums doing that!

OP posts:

Casserole · 06/10/2009 15:35

Well done mumof2

RubysReturn · 06/10/2009 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chaostrulyreigns · 06/10/2009 21:50

hey mo2m how did it go?

have u heard anything?

Playgrounds can be crap sometimes but other times you can really appreciate friendships there.

let us know.

stealthsquiggle · 06/10/2009 21:54

Well done you (braver than me). How did it go?

Alpha Mummy of DS's class is organising the Christmas lunch again - (note to self - must reply and put it in diary) but she determinedly includes everyone, even those I know she doesn't like.

Original poster

mumof2monsters · 07/10/2009 22:00

Well not heard back from the mum I know well ish or from the mum organising the event. I thought that she would check with this mum and then text me but nothing. I went into the playground yesterday dreading seeing any of them. The mum I text was not there but the other mum was stood infront of me chatting and I was talking to another mum and she saw me stood there and said nothing.
It may be that she had not spoke to the other mum but I am at the point now where I am dreading going into the playground to pick up the kids.
DH went today and picked them up and he will be getting them tomorrow as I am working. Not sure whether to text the other mum again and ask what the outcome is.
I am kinda feeling that maybe they did not want to invite me.
I have to say that I could not imagine organising such an event and leaving people out and then discussing it infront of them but that is just me.
If I have heard nothing from them by weekend I may just text to see but don't want to be pushy. What do you guys think?
I feel like I am being pathetic and one of my friends said why are you bothering with such people but they are mums of my daughters friends and I don't want it to affect her friendships.

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 07/10/2009 22:05

I wouldn't do anything else
Wait and se if they get back to you
If they dont well you have your answer I'm afraid
IF you have other friends why waste time and energy on these people?

texasholdem · 07/10/2009 22:26

I wouldn't txt back to see what the outcome is. I would leave it and if you don't hear back them fuck them.

Honestly, you sounds like a nice person and if they are just ignoring you and not inviting you out then thats just nasty of them. They are not worth bothering about.

I know it may be a bit hard atm because they are mums' of your DD's friends - but she may change friends as she gets older?

Try not to let it worry you

pigletmania · 07/10/2009 22:32

Thank goodness it was not like this in my day when i was little, mum dropped me off walked back home and came to pick me up and we went home simple! She used to say hello to other mums but none of this playground politics keeping up with the joneses

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 07/10/2009 22:50

Can't remember what age your DD is but just wanted to say - if you're a genuine, sensitive person as you sound to be then it's quite stressful and draining to try and keep up friendships with people for the sake of your child's friendships.

I say this as someone who's attempted this in the past, with varying results, but really, the easiest and most satisfying friendships are this made with people we genuinely like or feel an infinity for - as I'm sure you know.

That said, believe me I know how awful it is to feel left out and ignored, but it's true that your DD's friendships may well change as time goes on, and you'll wonder why you ever bothered with these people.

It could still turn out to be a misunderstanding, in which case have a great time, but if your brave efforts come to nothing you might have to steal yourself and be the bigger person. No need to avoid them - what have you done wrong - but brazen it out and act bright, breezy and unconcerned about being one of the clique. Then you haven't burned any bridges and will know you've done your best for DD, and when things progress for both of you you can still be on nodding terms with the little gang in the corner if you so wish.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 07/10/2009 22:53

Sorry that got long but meant to say - you really have my sympathy - still haven't got a handle on this after 11 years' worth of school runs (13 counting playgroup!)

Ronaldinhio · 07/10/2009 22:53

standing!!! you were standing!!!!

arggghh

arghhhh

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