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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting fed up of this now?

19 replies

roundededges · 04/10/2009 23:00

My DH has constantly complained about things I have done recently. I arranged childcare - 'I'm being discourteous', I go and get the month's food shopping done, -' I haven't "consulted" him', I make him a cup of coffee - I haven't put a piece of kitchen roll in the bin while I'm still clearing out the cafetiere, I laugh at an email - 'I'm ignoring him' and then he refuses (shouting) to look at the email, which was very funny. Aibu in wondering why he wants to be with me at all? Is it normal though, for someone to go on and on like this? We nearly split up in the summer, and he seems to have gone back to the same behaviour again. Just wonder if I need to be more tolerant.

OP posts:

whyme2 · 04/10/2009 23:05

You need to be more tolerant?? wtf. Sounds like he needs a slap.

Why did you nearly split?

clam · 04/10/2009 23:08

You wonder if you need to be more tolerant?!!!
So, when he bangs on about this crap stuff, what do you say? "Well, perhaps you would like to do the food shop/arrange a babysitter/clean out the sodding cafetiere? Darling." Or just ignore him?

busybutterfly · 04/10/2009 23:08

Good lord. Are you a saint? He sounds very rude.

groundhogs · 04/10/2009 23:24

Argh, hate it when they get like that... it's like PMT only worse... There is only so much you can take before snapping, and balling him out...

Trouble is, i get pissy and sarcastic... i'm about to use the loo, thought to let you know I'll be using 3 sheets of paper, just so you are consulted... No, it doesn't help..

You can either react, or ignore it and hope he'll work it out of his system. Invariably with mine, it does. It all eventuyally comes out in the end, some problem or other he's wrestling... Is your DH stressed particularly? Mine gets like that when he's mega stressed.

Duck and cover works pretty well, keeping out of the way.. otherwise if he hasn't managed to piss you off totally... fine line .... a few nuptial sessions can straighten him out...

Feel for you...

clam · 04/10/2009 23:35

"a few nuptial sessions???" In his bloody dreams. He speaks to her like she's something he's just trodden in and he gets a shag out of it?!

Seabright · 05/10/2009 00:05

If you think its a short "phase he's going through" I'd ignore it. That's what I do, although it's incredably painful and hurtful, I ignore it, try and keep out of the way and stay quiet.

I realise that this sounds rather pathetic, but it doesn't happen very often and, to be honest, all I want is a quiet life. I just tell myself "this too will pass" and after about 3 - 4 days, it does.

Any longer, and I couldn't bear it.

I don't know if that's the right answer, but it's what I do and it works for me.

Original poster

roundededges · 05/10/2009 00:21

We nearly split because I wasn't happy and felt I didn't love him. I realised my low self esteem and so called emotional problems were to a large extent due to his treatment of me. Decided to try again after a long talk, during which I told him not to be an arse and to try being nice. Trouble is when he is nice it doesn't feel genuine, it's just cloying . . .

OP posts:

claw3 · 05/10/2009 00:25

Oh we all get on each others nerves from time to time, i think its perfectly natural living under the same roof, day in, day out.

If it is continuous though you must feel like you are walking on egg shells. Talk to him.

Pikelit · 05/10/2009 02:11

We don't do "phases" round here. Especially the sort of phase when one partner treats the other like shit. Without wishing to sound intolerant, I think you are living with an utter cockjuggler and, at the very least, another very long talk is required. I wouldn't put any suitcases up in the loft for a while though. He may need them.

thumbscrewwitch · 05/10/2009 06:05

blimey he sounds like a right bundle of joy... NOT.

Give him a reminder kick in the arse about being "nice" to you again - or else he can just forget it because you do not need nor deserve to be spoken to/ treated like that.

You could ask him about every little thing that should go on the shopping list (but not in a sarcastic way, just in a "I thought you wanted to know and be included" way) - although I guess that qualifies as passive-aggressive and childish, so don't do it after all. Just make him do the shopping instead.

Am bewildered re. the childcare being discourteous - wtf is that about? unless you were doing it to avoid him having to look after the DC by himself.

lolapoppins · 05/10/2009 07:22

My Dh gets like that when he is stressed about work and money. Except he doesn't bother to tell me that he is worried about something, he just takes it all out on me by being an arsehole, doing/saying some of the things you decribed in your OP.

Usually ends up with me snapping, him apologising and telling me it is because he is stressed and he wont take it out on me again, but then the cycle goes on and on. It is so draining.

Romanarama · 05/10/2009 07:39

I don't think a 'phase' where he's being downright rude and disrespectful to you is something you should tolerate at all. It sounds quite strange anyway - why would you consult before going to the supermarket? Presumably he can tell you on his own if there's something he fancies eating this week.

pjmama · 05/10/2009 09:09

Has he ever explained to you why he feels the need to snipe at you all the time? Is it just stress from external sources that he's taking out on you, or is there something else that he's not telling you?
If he's the sort that finds it hard to talk about his feelings, then he could be harbouring a bunch of grievances that he never airs that just fester and make him a bitch to live with.

Have you tried Relate? Sometimes sitting down and talking things through with a 3rd party present to mediate can make you open up about things that you'd never say if it was just the two of you, stuck in the same old patterns of arguing. I have a tendency to pick at my DH sometimes (and vice versa), but its almost always a symptom of other things that we find it hard to talk about.

Monsterspam · 05/10/2009 13:40

I think someone might need this

TheLadyEvenstar · 05/10/2009 13:50

slap him and send him to his room fgs he is acting like a petulant child!

Iklboo · 05/10/2009 13:52

Wee in his coffee

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/10/2009 13:53

roundededges I used to live with someone who sounds like your DH. I blamed myself for upsetting him and because I was having a horrible time at work I thought maybe that was making me feel differently about him.

Eventually I left him and I now have the most wonderful DH who would never treat me like that.

Perhaps (and I mean this in the gentlest way possible) it is over?

Original poster

roundededges · 05/10/2009 14:56

Crying now. I've had enough.

OP posts:

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/10/2009 15:01

You might find it helpful to start a thread in the relationships topic? There are lots of very supportive people on there who have been and/or are going through tough times.

You deserve to be treated better. Do you have somewhere you could go in RL for a few days to get away and get some perspective?

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