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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling let down ???

34 replies

amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 21:36

friend was organising a night in at her house - billed as get together, a few drinks, nibbles and a laugh. Date was in diaries several weeks in advance. 2 days before the event, she sent out an email saying "I have decided to de-invite you" - on the basis that she was behind with her house work and didn't have time to go and buy the drinks/snacks etc.
Not sure whether to admire her for saying she couldn't be bothered, or whether to be cross because we were taking the wine and all she had to provide was a few nibbles. As far as I know (3 weeks later) there were no mitigating circumstances.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 04/10/2009 21:39

She didn't just have to provide a few nibbles
there's the house work she mentioned _ I bet that's the main reason.
I think friends should be comfortable enough to cancel without people being upset.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 21:42

yeah, but she doesn't work,evening had been in plan for months, and nothing untoward had happened. I just felt like she couldn't be bothered, so therefore was upset.

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ineedalifelaundry · 04/10/2009 21:43

I think friends should feel comfortable enough not to care if the house isn't up to aggie and wossername standards.

Has she reorganised?

I'd feel let down too tbh. YANBU

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 21:49

no, she hasn't reorganised. To be honest, I would have been sympathetic to someone cancelling, but an email saying "i have decided to de-invite you because I am behind with my housework" really upset me on lots of levels.

OP posts:
ineedalifelaundry · 04/10/2009 21:54

It does sound rather rude I agree. Maybe you should orgainise something similar at your house so you and your friends can still have the get together.

paisleyleaf · 04/10/2009 21:55

have you suggested meeting elsewhere instead?
tbh I've had time when I've just felt swamped by stuff....nothing in particular, just stuff.
I'm sure it's not a reflection on how she feels about you.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 21:59

original suggestion was to meet elsewhere, but she she offered her home so she didn't have to arrange a babysitter and it made it easier for her. I do understand that sometimes people get swamped - just don't get it in this situation. She doesn't work, arrangement was made several weeks in advance, nothing had happened as far as I know to change things. I do more of my fair share of entertaining, and I work. Maybe I just need some new friends!

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thesecondcoming · 04/10/2009 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:21

we are talking about a glass of wine and a few crisps, secondcoming, nothing more. But perhaps I am asking too much of my friends to keep to such arrangements and maybe I shouldn't spend my precious non-working hours honouring invitiations to my home. Obviously i'm the one who's got it wrong here.

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Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:23

(and we are talking about 5 - 7 people, not 50)

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 04/10/2009 22:26

Do you mean other people went and you were told not too or that no-one went?

Could it not ahve been that she just needed to clean the house, or had a bust up wth her dp or had a tough tie with dcs? Life still happens even if you don't work.

thesecondcoming · 04/10/2009 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla · 04/10/2009 22:29

i think yanbu
also the wording de-invite is very rude, im sure she could have come up with a better way of saying it like she has to cancel due to whatever, not "de-invite"
but from what you said its not a good reason for cancelling, and seems silly to me. i would be annoyed to

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:29

as far as I know no-one went.I think what most people are saying on here is that she was ok to cancel, which is making me realise that I am a mug a) for always honoring invitations I issue, even when i am knackered and have to bust a gut and b) a mug for getting upset when someone decides to cancel a long-organised evening.
So actually, quite helpful. Thanks. I need to get a life!

OP posts:
Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:33

sorry missed, several posts. I think the word "de-invite" upset me more than "sorry I have to cancel". I also know this person has very little to do during the day and doesn't live in squalor - so if you issue an invitation 3 weeks in advance you should be able to honour it. But know after all these posts that I'm the saddo for putting myself out for others when it's ok for them not to do the same for me.

OP posts:
Asana · 04/10/2009 22:39

I love the attitude that because someone does not undertake paid work outside of their home, they absolutely must have OODLES of "non-precious" time on their hands

YWereNBU till I read that bit.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:42

I work and still have the same home/family commitments as this friend so object to the "attitude" comment. please explain.....

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 04/10/2009 22:43

asana, i know i didn't know what to say to my nan who wonders why i get tired?? nothing to do with being up for 3 hours in the night then wtf?!?!

amnot - i too am like that, have gone out lots of times when really didn't want too but had made a commitment. Lots of people do not feel the same way. I will not change thogh as they are times when i ahve been there to make others feel better when other 'friends' have not turned up and sometimes even had a good time

ClaudiaSchiffer · 04/10/2009 22:43

I'm with you amnotwingingbut. I have a 'mate' a bit like this, I find it bloody rude tbh. And the words de-invite are pretty unpleasant. YANBU, I would be pissed off too, but would have invited everyone round to mine for a right good piss up and left out the 'friend' risen above it.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:46

think you're right Claudia.... seems it's ok to let your mates down so only thing to do is to rise above it.

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DandyLioness · 04/10/2009 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Monty100 · 04/10/2009 22:47

Asana I think amnot was comparing the effort factor in so much as she honours invitations even when she's having to bust a gut to achieve it.

Amnot YANBU, her wording is quite rude.

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:48

(and am waiting for asana to explain how people who don't work somehow don't have oodles of spare time.... when they can think nothing of coming to my house for an evening when I work.......)

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ClaudiaSchiffer · 04/10/2009 22:52

I'm not trying to show off or anything, but I have 2 kids, work pt and can get it together to have a flick round with the duster if people were coming round. Anyway, they're your mates, who cares if the house is a tip?

Original poster
amnotwingingbut · 04/10/2009 22:55

quite, Claudia. Anyway, I guess I just need to get over it and think twice before I put myself out next time. thanks to all who have answered, even those I don't agree with, you've helped me put a different perspective on the situation. Thanks all

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