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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that to replace DDs mobile stolen & smashed by someone's DC a decent thing to do?

46 replies

valhala · 03/10/2009 23:42

As mentioned in a previous thread my DD2 (12) had her mobile stolen by a boy at school, who handed it to another, who knew that it was stolen. The second boy told the school staff that he then threw the phone to a bunch of other children who smashed it to pieces. This is the latest example of a catalogue of bullying upon DD.

The boy who stole DDs phone and the lad he gave it to have been identified by the school, admitted it and punished - the school says that they were put into the isolation room for the afternoon and that the boys' parents had "issued sanctions".

I would be mortified had my child acted like this and so to me the obvious, proper thing to do would be to offer to replace the phone. The parents (so far at least) haven't. I'm not asking whether I should ask them to do so (though part of me thinks I have every right to, especially as DD relied on that phone as a form of security and means of contacting me because of the bullying) I'm just interested to know what other MN-ers think.

Do you believe as I do that if it was my child who was responsible then offering to replace the phone would be the right thing to do, or would you say that the DC had been punished and that's enough?

OP posts:

diddl · 04/10/2009 09:58

I do think it should be replaced, but who by?

The first two have been "dealt with" by the school, and since it happened at school and they didn´t break the phone, their parents might think that this is enough.

providentielle · 04/10/2009 09:59

Hando- I come from a town with about 10,000 residents where there are lots of outlying smaller towns and villages. There is only one high school and children travel for up to an hour to get to and from school and some even have board there through the week. The town is less than 100 miles from Glasgow so not as out of the way as some may imagine. There is not always and alternative school.

lljkk · 04/10/2009 10:05

Is it so weird to have only one secondary school in town? We have only one; the other options are also an hour's travel away (and mostly have no better reputations).

YANBU to OP, but having the moral high ground is not really going to get you anywhere. The boys behave like that (I'll wager) because their parents dont' give a toss, not really. "Sanctions" probably not that significant, and only issued because school leant on the boys' parents. A good thing about this school is that it will teach your DD a lot (the hard way) about dealing with life's sh*ttier people.

Valhalla, could your DD go to an adult at the school to ring you if she was in trouble, does she really need a phone on her?

tinkerbellesmuse · 04/10/2009 10:08

Well at least two of the boys/their parents should be offering. The one who stole it and the one that threw it.

However if I was the parent of either boy I wouldn't be arguing the issue of responsibility my hand would have been in my purse straight away. I'd be mortified.

The parents may well think it is enough that their sons were in the isolation room but imo they are BVU. They know a phone has been broken. They should replace it.

skidoodle · 04/10/2009 10:10

Agree with Batterfly, the phone should be replaced by the boy who took it from DD. His parents should dock his pocket money until he has paid them back.

I can't believe they haven't offered to replace it. What kind of "sanctions" did they put in place?

Stealing somebody else's stuff (particularly a child who is in a socially weak position) and passing it on to others who break it is horrible behaviour. The child and his parents ought to be ashamed of what has happened.

diddl · 04/10/2009 10:12

I do agree that the first two boys shouldn´t have taken the phone.

But should they be held responsible for what the "crowd" did?

bigstripeytiger · 04/10/2009 10:24

This sounds very upsetting for your DD, but I think that it might be difficult to prove liability in a small claims court scenario. It sounds like you cant actally say who broke the phone, and kids passing things between each other is irritating but pretty common, and I think that the 2 boys who took the phone could say that they had no idea that the phone would be smashed up.

Have you had a look round the other school. Even if it is felt to be 'worse' than the one that your DD is at at the moment, maybe it would suit her better. The school she is at at the moment doesnt sound great for her.

Firawla · 04/10/2009 10:51

yes they should pay to replace it

AvengingGerbil · 04/10/2009 11:00

It still seems not to be getting through to everyone that in some areas of the country there is NO CHOICE about schools.

I grew up in an outlying area. The county provided transport to one school and one school only. There is no public transport at all in that area.

In theory I could have 'chosen' a different school, but only if my family could drive me an hour in the opposite direction. This would have been four hours driving a day for my parents.

'Choice' in education is a metropolitan invention. It has no meaning for people like me, and, I think, the OP.

charis · 04/10/2009 11:12

I think the boy should replace the phone. He stole it and what he did with it after that is his responsibility. If he wants to pass on the cost to his "friend" that is up to him.

I would be right in there I am afraid, and if I didn't get any joy I would be getting the police involved. I hate bullying.

StableButDeluded · 04/10/2009 11:29

I think the boy who initially took the phone should be responsible. As Charis said, he took it so his responsibility. Parents should offer to replace phone, even if they can only afford £1 a week or something,it's the principle.

Original poster

valhala · 04/10/2009 11:36

I reported the incident to the Police on Thursday, largely because I am so pissed with the school not acting effectively on the bullying and I wanted to send the school the message that if they don't deal with it, I bloody well will and the bullies the message that they won't get away with it any longer. As yet I have had no update from either the Police or the school. I'll be telling the school at the next possible opportunity (which doubtless won't be too far away!), that I shall have the Police on the school's doorstep and arresting their little darlings EVERY time my child is spat at/kicked/hit from now on.

Tiger, the other school is a no go - if DD was ill/injured, missed the bus home, bullied to the extent that she needed me to go into the school immediately and so on I wouldn't be able to get to her within a reasonable amount of time. If she missed the sole school bus home this would mean me taking the next public one from my home, waiting for up to an hour for it to arrive, a 30 minute journey IF it arrives on time (its often up to 45 mins late), a further 25 min walk to school and then getting home in the same way with DD.

Besides, DD2 doesn't want to go there. When she is not being bullied she likes school and wants to be with DD1 and the friends we have known from a previous area and who also now live and go to school here. Added to this, her ability to act sensibly and have the amount of regard for personal safety which would be expected of a child of her age just isn't there - one of the reasons why I agree with the school that she may well have some sort of SEN such as Autism Spectrum.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only parent who would do the decent thing and be there with my hand in my purse offering an apology and the cost of a replacement phone if my child/ren stole or deliberately damaged someone else's property. Manners and respect for others aren't dead after all, thank heavens for that!

OP posts:

StableButDeluded · 04/10/2009 11:42

Well done!

sayithowitis · 04/10/2009 11:45

Valhalla,
I posted a reply on your other thread here with some advice which may also be relevant here.

I think it would be reasonable to expect the parents to pay for an item which their child damaged in this case. The damage may have been accidental, but wuld not have occurred if their child(ren) had not taken the phone from your DD without her permission in the first place.

squilly · 04/10/2009 11:50

The boy who took it is responsible imo. I'd be mortified if my child behaved like that towards another child and would certainly ensure the childs phone was replaced as a minimum.

I don't know how supportive the school will be though as schools often don't get involved in this kind of thing. I hope the parents grow a pair though and get your daughters phone replace.

Original poster

valhala · 04/10/2009 12:12

Sayithowitis, thank you very much. I've replied to the thread now (had given up on checking it as I hadn't had a reply at first, sorry).

I'm really grateful to you for your advice.

OP posts:

Hando · 04/10/2009 13:15

Valhala - I do find it hard to imagine only one local school, but then I guess that's because I live in greater London. Also because I do not consider a "local" school to be just within walking distance. My own secondary school was definitely not the closest, I had a 15 min walk, 30 mins train journey then another 15 min walk. If the trains were cancelled I'd get 3 buses home. But I got used to it.

If you daughter is being this badly bullied for no reason then having a longer school journey is a small sacrifice. I can't see why "if" she missed the school bus home why you would need to go and collect her and bring her home. Surely she can do the journey home if she is in secondary school? The chances of her being bullied again at another school are slim. I can't think of one time my mother ever had to come to my secondary school. If I was ill during the day (bad headache ect) I would make my own way home.

IWantToLiveOnAFarm · 04/10/2009 13:18

I would offer to replace the phone but the only way the child is going to pay for it is to take it out of pocket money or make them do chores.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2009 15:06

Regardless of who smashed the phone, the boy who stole it from your DD is the one who deprived her of it, hence the one responsible for its replacement. I would expect his parents to offer, and yes, I would bl**dy well ask them to do so if an offer was not forthcoming.

I would be so mortified if my son had done this I'd have been falling over myself to replace the stolen item. That this boy's parents have not done so is a bit of a clue why he has such a lack of respect for other people's property.

charis · 05/10/2009 10:32

I don't think moving your dd to another school is the answer. She is the victim here so why should she move?

You need to get on the case with the school here. Every incident needs reporting in writing and you need to keep copies. You need to have meetings with the head and the govenors to make sure they are taking you seriously. It is their job to protect your dd while she is in their care. If she has SEN then they are twice as responsible. Check out the bullying charities websites.

You sound as though you are determined to get this sorted. Good luck to you.

SolidGhoulBrass · 05/10/2009 10:42

I know it's probably bad form to refer to one thread on another but: aren't you the mother who grassed up your DD's classmate for having dope in her bag? Has it ever occurred to you that if you do this kind of thing on a regular basis you may be contributing to the bullying your DDs get by singling them out, getting them a reputation as spoiled sneaks, and causing trouble for their classmates?
It's not right or fair that your DDs should be bullied, and the school should be enforcing its anti-bullying policy properly, but you do come across a bit as though you think you and your family are better than everyone else at the school, and I don;t think this is helpful to your DDs.

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