to not want ex with us tomorrow!

[primarymum]

ex lives abroad and only sees our two children ( age 17 and 15) once/twice a year. He has been in England for the past 5 weeks and has managed to see them for 3 days in the first week he was over and not since. Tomorrow I am taking eldest son to a university open day and ex has decided he wants to come too! I appreciate he wants to see his son but I feel a bit miffed, especially as the university we are visiting is the one where we met and although I'm pretty good at playing happy families, this might be pushing my good nature too far! Son can't go on his own ( long story, three train changes and no trains locally on Sundays!)so I have to take him and ex is meeting us there as he is currently staying the other side of the country from where we live so can't pick son up-and anyway, I want to see where he might be spending the next three years! So I think I'll just have to grin and bear it

YABU

This isn 't about your feelings, it is about what your son wants.

Yanbu to not want him there at all. However you would be unreasonable to stop him. Funny how people like to pick and choose when they can be parents....

He doesn't want him there either! Ex wants him to do a different course to the one he has chosen and has sent him details of courses he "should" do!

Get your son to tell him then if he won't believe you.

We're both too polite ( my son has been very well brought up ) to say what we think, we just like to moan about things to ourselves!

Then you can't complain if you don't speak out. Sorry, but nothing to gain by being a martyr.

YABU, I would not dream of not asking dd father to an open day or any event. We had a child togther you are linked.

I am sorry, but I think you are all wrong. YANBU. Your ex picks and chooses when he wants to be a parent - which is appalling. If he doesnt want to participate in parenting most of the time, then i think you have the right to tell him to piss off when you want to share something special with your children. If your son really wanted him there, then i think you might have to suck it up. but he doesnt and, bottom line, you are the primary carer, you do the tough getting him through his exams and dealing with teenagers stuff. so - you get the good bits too. tell him not to bother.

He walked out 13 years ago, has never been to a parents evening, open day, presentation, award ceremony,or anything else for that matter( even though he was perfectly welcome!). He has had 5 weeks to see his sons and hasn't been bothered, except for a few days the first week he was in the country. He didn't want to go to a previous open day (we attended one last week)-even though he was asked-it's just going to this one that feels strange because it is in the city where we met and lived together for three years. I suppose I thought he might feel rather strange about it too, but clearly not!

Maybe he just wants to see his old stomping ground..

IWTLOAF-he's had five blxxdy weeks to do that

So what do you want me to say?

He is doing something you don't want him to do but won't tell him so you have to shut up and put up.

I know, but I'm allowed a little rant

True.

if your son doesnt want him to come, you need to be the one to tell your ex no

Being able to say 'no' to what you don't want to do - well, that is a good thing to be able to do. Perhaps, your son could practice this important life skill on his father, because worst-case scenario his dad takes the hump.

That sounds a bit sarcastic, it's not meant to be. A friend once told me she felt she'd let her daughter down by bringing her up to be TOO polite and hence not standing up for herself enough. Daughter ended up in an abusive relationship, my friend felt partly responsible. 17 would be a good time to start learning how to say 'no, that's not what I want'.