to be so annoyed about the whole age thing ALWAYS coming up?

[phlossie]

My DH and I have been having a bit of a hard time recently - nothing really major, just the strains of having two small babies on top of other family strains, the recession putting pressure on our finances etc etc. He's been a bit depressed and feeling the pressure to 'keep' his family, and it's caused ructions. We know what's up, we've had a bit of counselling and we're sorting it out...

BUT, once again, my well-meaning (childless) friends with their well-meaning advice and heart-felt concern have been saying 'well you were so young...' It drives me mental! My friend brought it up again last night.

I was 24 when I got married, which is young, and 26 (and a half, if you're counting) when I had my first baby, which is young but hardly gym-slip. And, in my opinion, the things that have been troubling us could affect anyone at any age - it's just been about adjusting to family life, right? They think I'm stupid to be a SAHM too (that's another rant).

The thing is, you can weigh up the pros and cons of having children at any particular point in your life and make a decision accordingly, but it doesn't mean you're not going to find it hard or encounter problems along the way. My friend was basically saying that she didn't understand why we were in such a rush to have children, and not being able to have spontaneous weekends away is the cause of our recent troubles. I agree that it would be nice to have weekends away and that we don't get enough time together - but what has that got to do with age?!

Anyone else younger - or older - and fed up with people commenting on it all the time?

phlossie, 'you were so young' is tactless, what a cheek. I am a SAHM too. You could be blunt and tell them you're fed up with it.

Although I had my dc at 39 and 41 - just didn't meet the right dad until later on!

My mum has made comments (not very often) saying that it's more difficult, re: the tiredness because I am an older mum, but I have no earlier experience to compare - I know plenty of knackered young mums!

Honestly, if it wasn't your age it would be something else - when my mum had me at 25 (nearly 40 years ago) she was put under special care in the hospital as a geriatric mother! How times have changed!

As someone else said more eloquently than me, I'd just think "is that the best you can come up with?"

Thank-you. I think you're right about them justifying their own decisions - actually more that they're scared of something similar happening to their relationships (their all about to get married/considering marriage), so they look at the differences between them and me as if to say 'that wouldn't happen with me and X because... (I won't be a SAHM, I waited until my 30s etc etc) if that makes sense. It's not nasty, it's just insensitive and I feel got at.

This is always unsolicited advice, btw. And I just think 'here we go again...' It's only afterwards that I think of clever reposts, or even justifications. And then I think why the feck should I justify myself? It's a brewer...

No point commenting on age as it is irrelevant to the op's worries/concerns/problems.

Whether by today's standards having children in your 20s is younger than the norm or not is completely beside the point.

I had my 1st at 24 and 2nd at 26, married at 27 and not planning anymore thank you. DH and I have the energy to run around after two excitable boys, are not too exhausted to speak to and enjoy each other's company, and will not yet be 50 when children should hopefully be finished/finishing university and letting us get on with a social life / travel / evenings out etc etc...

You can have children and get married in your 20s without being in an unstable relationship and stressed to your eye balls dreaming of a lost youth.

YANBU. I am with you on this one OP.

this happened to me all the time. i got married at 19 and had my DS at 19, had my second and last child when i was 25.
people thought it wouldnt last with us, but am happy to say weve been married 18 years, its had its moments but i knew what i wanted fairly early on, (worst for saying this type of stuff was my own mother who i think was bitterly jealous.)
best advice i can give is sod the lot of em! its your life and you sound like youve got it sussed!
ignore them.

Give it another 10 years and they'll be your "sadly single, desperate for a baby friends" or completely knackered and saying "you had it easy having your babies young".

Ignore them now and allow yourself a small gloat later.

I got married at 24 and we had DS when I was 42.

So I'm too young and too old!

Your friends are insensitive arses.

Ignore them, and good on you for approaching your problems in a mature way.

I don't understand!!! I don't think that's young at all. I had 4 children by the time I was 26, my first at 18.

Just tell these "childless" friends that you're glad you did it all young, cos having your kids while young or old you'd still be having the same issues and at least you had the kids at the beginning of adulthood. While these friends are surrounded by nappies in their late 30's early 40's you'd have had your life back for years.

1. you were not that young, FFS
2. if you are going through difficulties, you would hope that your friends would be supportive and comforting not telling you that it is basically your fault (when it so clearly isn't)and saying things that are of no help at all.

YAsoNBU

Is it young, really?

I married at 26 just after having ds1 and I was the last of my friends to marry.

I was 26 and a half when I had ds1 and just 29 when ds2 was born. I don't bother about these things but according to my GP and obstetrician, this was, allegedly, "prime time".

Admittedly, Mafeking had only just been relieved while I was in the labour ward but I see no evidence of such a vast shift in attitude that would brand 24 year old parents as "too young".

Some people will be "too young" at 44.

Agree with everyone saying that 24 is not actually that young anyway.....

Nearly all my group of friends are now married, all before turning 30, and also all terribly respectable and from 'respectable' families..... if that makes any difference.

Point I am trying to make (not very well) is that is quite normal and respectable to get married mid 20s when you did and to start a family.

The doomsayers will all be the Bridget Jones's of 5yrs time.(!)

I am 40 and DD is 4. If I'd known how much fun and how exhausting it would be I would have done it 10 years earlier. I left it late in the mistaken belief that by the time I was 35 I would have built up some sort of "career" that couldn't be taken away from me. Wrong - it's just a job that can go at any minute, like what most people have.

I don't think the advice of childless people is very relevant, the basic factor of constant exhaustion and no time to yourself is something they just can't comprehend.

Don't take it to heart.

I had my first DC at 35 and just had my 2nd and last at 39 - and let me tell you I am knackered!! I am also jealous of my friends who had theirs in their 20's and now have time and energy.

But, they were jealous of me when I was out and they were stuck in.

It's all swings and roundabouts and I'd try and ignore it if I were you.