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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

being asked to pay as a guest at a birthday party

45 replies

fledtoscotland · 23/09/2009 21:39

DS 1 & 2 have been invited to a birthday party in a couple of weeks time. it consists of softplay, lunch and handling small animals.

was looking forward to it as although the boys are young (1 and 2) they love softplay and all animals so although the party is 90mins drive from my home, we were looking forward to seeing my friend and her LO.

got a phone call today to confirm we were going and that it would cost £5.50 for each of us (me included) to cover the cost of entry to the place and lunch. including fuel and a present, the day is going to cost me the best part of £50.

Now maybe i'm being old fashioned but when you invited someone to a party, you then didnt tell them how much they had to pay.

I have been asked to work overtime at work that day and am tempted to make our excuses although I know the boys would be missing out.

go on, tell me how unreasonable i am being.

OP posts:

Original poster

fledtoscotland · 23/09/2009 21:54

she is a good friend and as its her only child, i suspect she's in the same position as me being new to the party scene.

the fuel is the thing thats making it an expensive day and i dont mind spending it going to visit her as the boys spend the day playing together. we make a day of it having lunch and tea there (its reversed so we take it in turns to drive). just this time, its just for the party and its a good 20miles further than her house. the boys will be in the car for 90mins, out for a 2hr party and then back in their car seats for the journey home. not ideal

think i'm actually talking myself out of it but i'm too much of a coward polite to say anything.

OP posts:

1dilemma · 23/09/2009 21:54

I think this is one party I would probably give a miss!

bigstripeytiger · 23/09/2009 21:58

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Its pretty outrageous to expect you to pay for this, especially as from the OP it sounds like you didnt find out that you would have to pay until after you accepted the invitation.

Maybe they dont know that they are meant to pay for the guests, it sounds pretty wierd of them, I dont know if there will be many guests at that party.

mazzystartled · 23/09/2009 21:58

its a bit of a schlep for 2 hours?
can you stay for tea after?

bigstripeytiger · 23/09/2009 22:02

I just saw you last post. If she is a good friend, would it be possible for you to broach the topic of who normally pays for childrens parties? If she is genuinely ignorant of the way these are usually paid for then she could end up being very upset and disappointed.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 23/09/2009 22:06

Tell her she should join mumsnet. And then bump this thread a bit!

YANBU. Shockingly bad manners.

choosyfloosy · 23/09/2009 22:07

YANBU. I'd say that unfortunately you are cutting back on activities due to cost, but would love to see her on a date [soon] and will be glad to bring a present then. £10 for a present is a lot IMo but it seems to be becoming increasingly standard - I think £5 is plenty.

shay2006 · 23/09/2009 22:16

YANBU as that's a ridiculous amount of money but some people might think IABU as:

We had a birthday party for DS 3rd birthday last month at a petting farm and on the invitation it was made clear that I was inviting child + one parent.

I put a very polite note on the reverse saying that extra parents were more than welcome at a half price entry charge of 4pounds, and that any siblings under the age of two were welcome free of charge.

I really hated to do this but would have bumped my bill up to well over 200 if I hadn't have asked them to pay as there were 12 children.

suckmyleftone · 23/09/2009 22:18

yanbu

agree that if you plan a party, you pay for it - generally speaking

and ouch at the stinginess of not paying you in if you are travelling 100 miles. Fuckinell, I'd shout any mate of mine entrance to a softplayhellhole trekking that sort of distance - birthday / party or otherwise

lilmissmummy · 23/09/2009 22:23

I have DS aged 8 and DD aged 4 we go to loads of parties and I have never paid for one of my children to go to another persons party. I have also had one of these parties for each of my children and paid for all of the guests. Yes it is totally unreasonable to pay and I wouldnt go to the party out of principle!

fluffles · 23/09/2009 22:25

it is odd though isn't it because if i say to my friends 'it's my birthday do you fancy coming to the pub' i don't tend to expect to pick up the whole evening's bar bill.. or even if i say 'do you want to come out for lunch/dinner for my birthday', i don't pay for everyone (in fact, some friends pay for my meal... so why do we all pay for all our LOs guests meals and drinks out???

strange...

TheLadyEvenstar · 23/09/2009 22:27

Bizarre!! I had ds2's party indoors followed by a meal out with all the adults. obviously dc as well. I paid for all the meals and drinks for the day....Maybe I should have asked them to pay for themselves!!!

suckmyleftone · 23/09/2009 22:31

yeah fluffles but going out for a meal / drink as adults is generally a nice, relaxing thing to do. Kids parties are not. Bollox to the added misery of forking out for them as a guest Oh and you generally do buy pressies for kids - whereas sue in accounts gets bum all off me. Still might go for a drink, like.

There's always the miserable old scrote shunning option - of both having them and going

pigletmania · 23/09/2009 22:37

No its really dear for a kiddies birthday party, your little ones are really too young to know any better so i would save it and take them and yourself and a nice day out and make excuses.

llynnnn · 23/09/2009 22:43

is unreasonable to make you pay, but as you were already willing to pay the £35 for fuel and a present and take the long car journey, an extra £15 isn't much more to pay in the grand scheme of things for a good friends party?

TheHeadbangingWombat · 23/09/2009 22:45

YANBU.I wouldn't go.

daisymaybe · 23/09/2009 22:49

it's like rounds in the pub, isn't it? you fork out for everyone elses little darlings to have a lovely afternoon once a year and in return yours get 29 invites to other parties.

annh · 23/09/2009 22:59

There was a similar thread to this a while ago where a mum at nursery had handed out party invites and requested a contribution to the party. Everyone advised against going but when the Op spoke to the mum she was almost in tears because everyone had turned down the invite (presumably because of being expected to pay). She was new to the party scene, was short of money and hadn't realised that it was the done thing. Can't remember how that was resolved but maybe your friend similarly doesn't realise that a children's party invite is meant to be just that, not a request for you to spend a lot of money to chase around after your own and everyone else's children for a few hours, while pretending to have a lovely time!

annh · 23/09/2009 23:00

Sorry, wasn't the done thing.

suckmyleftone · 23/09/2009 23:01

that's it daisymaybe

tho op I'm pretty curious about the combination of soft play / petting animals. How's this? Am imagining guinea pigs shooting up from them air blower thingies...

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