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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not buy a birthday present for all four children in a joint party?

21 replies

fadingfast · 21/09/2009 20:56

DS has been invited to a joint birthday party for two sets of siblings. The invite has come from one set who we know well and I will be buying them both presents. We do know the other two, but not very well. Would it be bad form not to buy them presents? Last year the elder of each pair had a joint party and I did buy them both a present, but now the younger siblibgs have been added to the equation, it seems a bit much to buy four presents.

Am I just being a miserable stinge?

OP posts:

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 21/09/2009 20:58

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. If your DC's have only been invited by 1 set, then they are the one's you should buy pressies for IMO. Maybe give cards to the other two.

dexter73 · 21/09/2009 20:58

I would buy just a small token present for the ones you don't know as well. I wouldn't like to give presents to 2 of the party children and not the other 2.

traceybath · 21/09/2009 20:58

I've both hosted and attended joint parties and imo the etiquette is:

buy a gift for the child/children your child is friends with
give a card to the other children if they're named on the invite

diddl · 21/09/2009 20:59

Just buy for the ones who invited.
Card + sweets/chocs for the others?

1dilemma · 21/09/2009 21:03

depends on circs I guess

we have been invited to several joint parties I give a gift to both if we know both well equally however f sibs I would give a gift to the child my child is friends with IYSWIM plus proabably a token gift/card to the other

saggyjuju · 21/09/2009 21:08

just had a joint birthday party,luckily it was a huge amount of children so hard to say who did and didnt get bought for(60 kiddies)and yes on the whole most bought for both but a few didnt, and all i will say is be ready for the childrens comments as they are blatantly honest, ie my child asked one parent where was the other childs present when she was given hers ,much to the discomfort of the parent

paisleyleaf · 21/09/2009 21:11

No one expects you to get 4 presents.
My DD's just shared a birthday party with a friend, they each invited certain people and mostly the guests brought a present for the girl who invited them.
There were a couple who brought a present for the other girl also, something small, like sweets or pound shop thing.

piprabbit · 21/09/2009 21:13

We've just had an invite to a joint party. One of the child's names was underlined, and ther wa a note from the mums suggesting that we only buy a present for the underlined child. I guess they've worked it out between them to make sure it's an even split.
I think it's a good idea as it takes away my guilt.

Original poster

fadingfast · 21/09/2009 22:37

I know the mum of the 'other two' a bit, and I don't think she would be the sort of person to take offence if I didn't buy her two a present, but I just don't want to be the only one!

At last year's (joint) party, the presents were all just piled on a table, so even though I got the other child a small present I don't think anyone would have noticed if I didn't.

Would be nice if the parents did spell it out on the invites though...

OP posts:

Karam · 21/09/2009 22:37

I sometimes have joint parties for my Dds, but I would never expect anyone to buy for both. Infact, I only think people to buy for the child who invited them. I'd just send a card for everyone else.

Most joint parties I have gone to have managed the present giving situation by getting everyone to put the presents on a table, and then they are sorted out later. Then no awkward who has /has not got a present moment. Problem solved!

legspinner · 22/09/2009 08:50

Agree with other posters that presents for the ones you know well are appropriate and cards for the others - no-one would expect you to buy 4 presents.

Up till now, our twins have had joint parties, and as they are boy / girl, have separate friends (which helps), so we word the invitations like this, e.g: "DT1 invites you to her joint party with DT2". That way I hope it would be clear that since DT1 is doing the inviting, one present will be just great, and DT2 would not expect a present. It seems to work OK at the moment but it's taken a long time to work this all out, as when they were younger they did have overlapping friends and it was a bit of an etiquette minefield!!

Stephief · 22/09/2009 10:55

I would buy for all four. If its a joint party, and you know the kids, even a bit, I would feel really bad if I didnt buy presents for all of them!

warthog · 22/09/2009 11:03

i held a joint party for my then 2 yo and it never occured to me that people would buy her a gift if she wasn't really friends of hers. they didn't. and i didn't give it a thought.

so i wouldn't. but a card would be nice.

warthog · 22/09/2009 11:04

hmmm she wasn't they weren't

LilianGish · 22/09/2009 11:06

Just buy for the ones you know. Dd and ds often have joint birthday parties as their birthdays are so close - they always get too many presents. I would be horrified if everyone bought for both of them. I agree it is nice to have a few presents to open, but beyond a certain number they just don't appreciate them. Whenever we have invited lots of children it is to have a jolly party - certainly not to have a huge pile of presents. Your instinct is right and you are certainly not a miserable stinge!

hullygully · 22/09/2009 11:06

I'd get a present for all four, why not be nice if you can? Don't have to be hugely expensive. Kids do notice and do mind.

carocaro · 22/09/2009 11:18

pressie for the ones your know and just some sweets maybe for the ones you don't

gorionine · 22/09/2009 11:22

I think I would buy present for the children I know but I would take some sort of chocolate/sweet for the "joint" children just so they know I realise it is their party too.

Shoppingveggie · 22/09/2009 11:32

This reminds me of a party my son went to a couple of years ago, it was a joint one being shared by 3 children - all from the same family (siblings).

Our invitation only came from one of the children, so we bought one present.

I was taking two other friends to the party, when I went to pick up the first friend, he had two presents - I questioned this to the mum (as I was worried I only had one) and she said the invitation was from 2 of the siblings - anyway, when I went to pick up the third child I was taking, (you know where this is going don't you ) yes, she had three presents as the invitation was from all three of the children.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/09/2009 14:52

I have co-hosted joint parties for my DS and one of his best friends. Many of the guests were friends of both boys and brought two presents. A couple of invitees knew only one boy and only brought a present for that boy. I would have been very surprised (and a bit embarrassed) has one of these invitees brought two.

NightShoe · 22/09/2009 14:53

YANBU, but I would buy for all four because I it doesn't have to be expensive. If I was one the one having the party I would respect your choice to buy for the children you knew better thought.

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