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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I leave my husband

47 replies

swindonmum · 21/09/2009 11:52

I need advice on how to go about leaving my husband. We moved to Gloucester in July because he insisted that our son should go to grammar school. I never wanted to live here, but my opinion mattered not a jot. He labelled me a bad mother for putting our home and lifestyle above schooling. I wanted my son to go to a school in either Fairford, or Faringdon, neither of which is far from Swindon, where we lived. They are outstanding schools and my husband was perfectly happy with them until our son's form teacher suggested the grammar route- despite there being no grammars in our area. We now have to buy a house in a very expensive location, which we can't really afford, just so our other son is in catchment for a good school, should he not get a grammar place. Gloucester is a dump. The facilities for kids are rubbish and I hate it here. I now spend each morning sitting in traffic jams taking one son to school in Glos and the other to Cheltenham. We have taken our children away from all their friends, clubs and the only home they have ever known. My youngest has been taken away from his lovely school where he was doing so well. I have never been so unhappy. I can barely function as a human let alone a mother. I'm bringing my kids down with me and I hate myself for it. I have to go home. I have to get away from here before I do something really stupid. How can I leave him and take my children with me. I have not a clue who to contact or what to do. Please help me.

OP posts:

AnAuntieNotAMum · 21/09/2009 22:53

What you've said here is very significant I would say as to the problems that were in the marriage before this move came up.

"My husband hasn't been interested in me as a
wife for years. I had two big babies and my stomache looks hideous now. I don't blame him for not wanting to go near that. I can't afford a tummy tuck, especially now, and the doctor can't help, so I'm stuck with it".

Sounds like you have been feeling unloved for a long time? Sounds like you are fixating on your stomach as a reason for lack of intimacy when it's 99% unlikely to be the root cause?

Mazza09 · 21/09/2009 23:30

Have you considered getting a part time job? Your children are in full time education and you're unhappy at home, maybe you need to find something to occupy your time a little more...if you don't like the idea of working, maybe you could consider taking up some sport, like golf for example. You never know you might meet husband no.2 You might then get the mortgage free lifestyle you desire...

AnAuntieNotAMum · 21/09/2009 23:40

Mazza09 - "You might then get the mortgage free lifestyle you desire... "

Did I miss something? I didn't see the OP saying she wanted a mortgage free lifestyle, it's her husband who doesn't want to get a mortgage (or perhaps can't due to the much stricter criteria about these days?)

Mazza09 · 21/09/2009 23:49

This was in reference to "Well, if you're looking to buy something with no mortgage at all then I'm not surprised that everywhere nice seems too expensive"

AnAuntieNotAMum · 22/09/2009 00:03

Not her decision though from what I can see, but DH's

mrsboogie · 22/09/2009 00:18

OP have you asked your GP about having your tummy sorted? If you have and they were unhelpful you could ask again or ask a different doctor in your new area. As far as I know, if it is seriously affecting your life you should be able to get it sorted on the nhs. People get breast reductions and all sorts done no problem.

BertieBotts · 22/09/2009 09:20

Swindonmum I suggest you start a thread on the Relationships section as well (www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships). TBH I am appalled at some of the replies on here. Why should the OP stay in a relationship where she is not respected or listened to? She asked for advice on how to leave, not judgement on her decision to do so.

As for practical support, you say you cannot stay with your brother and SIL, but can you confide in them? They may be able to support you moving back to the area by helping you make arrangements in secret, for example.

If you can prove that you cannot stay with your husband (because for example it is affecting your mental health - your GP can help with a diagnosis like this) and you know that he would not let you continue to live together if you told him you wanted to leave, (ie while you find somewhere else to live) you can apply to the council and they should be able to at least give you some advice. If you have access to money they will probably suggest you just find somewhere to privately rent though temporarily until you can get on your feet again.

BertieBotts · 22/09/2009 09:21

Oops I mean www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

purplepeony · 22/09/2009 09:33

agree- post in the Relationships forum.

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 10:07

Thank you all,
I think my first step will be to go to a GP. I need some help with getting my emotions in check. At the moment I just sit around crying all day. I know that Wallowing in self pity will get us nowhere.

You are all quite right of course, I shouldn't make rash decisions when I'm in such a depressed state. But I can't talk to him when I'm this upset, I just sound irrational and he ends up making me feel like a silly child. At the moment I feel such resentment towards him I can't even look him in the eye. My head's in such a mess I can't say whether I still love him or not.

I have had counselling before and it did help enormously. I was having trouble coping in a previous relationship- we'd been together for 10 years (not married). In the end we realised that we had grown into two very different people. I wanted children, he didn't. We parted, still best friends and friends to this day.

You have all helped me so much. I can't thank you enough for your kindness and support.

OP posts:

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 10:26

Mazza09
"Have you considered getting a part time job? Your children are in full time education and you're unhappy at home, maybe you need to find something to occupy your time a little more...if you don't like the idea of working, maybe you could consider taking up some sport, like golf for example. You never know you might meet husband no.2 You might then get the mortgage free lifestyle you desire..."

Thanks Mazza. I have just completed a diploma in Web development, with the Open University. My plan is to start my own web design and consultancy business, but first we need a permanent address.

I have enrolled for skiing lessons. finding the time to do them is difficult though. Lessons are on Tues evenings or Sun mornings. I take my youngest to drum lessons on Tues and rugby on Sun. But I'm hoping my husband can do some Sunday rugby runs for me so I can go, although I'm not on the lookout for a replacement husband. If I do leave him it will be on my terms and not because I have run off into the sunset with another man! Thanks for the comment though. It's the first smile I've cracked in months.

We were mortgage free. I'm no spring chicken either. My husband and I met quite late in life. I had my first child when I was 37. We are at the age when we should be saving for our retirement, not taking on a big mortgage.

OP posts:

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 10:44

AnAuntieNotAMum

"Did I miss something? I didn't see the OP saying she wanted a mortgage free lifestyle, it's her husband who doesn't want to get a mortgage (or perhaps can't due to the much stricter criteria about these days?)"

You are right, I didn't say I wanted a mortgage free lifestyle. Fact is, I already had a mortgage free lifestyle and yes, I'd love that situation to continue (who wouldn't), but I can't see us living here without a fairly hefty mortgage, which means no savings.

My husband has other ideas now anyway. Now we are here, he has decided we should buy something and remain mortgage free. This will mean downsizing considerably. Yet another compromise to our lives.

OP posts:

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 10:51

mrsboogie
"OP have you asked your GP about having your tummy sorted?"

Yes I have. He sent me to a councellor, who basically said there was nothing she could do unless I was practically suicidal.

OP posts:

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 10:53

elastamum
Good luck to you too! Sounds like you have had a really rough time of it. The Bas!*rd.

OP posts:

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 11:00

BertieBotts

"Swindonmum I suggest you start a thread on the Relationships section as well (www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships). TBH I am appalled at some of the replies on here. Why should the OP stay in a relationship where she is not respected or listened to? She asked for advice on how to leave, not judgement on her decision to do so."

I had noticed that no-one had actually offered the advice I had asked for. To be fair though. They are only suggesting that I get my head straight before making a final decision. I may need your advice yet BertieBotts. At least I know where to come if I do.

OP posts:

toja555 · 22/09/2009 11:01

I have had a lot of stress and issues recently and did not feel that I was coping. I went to GP, was diagnosed with depression and got some antidepressants prescribed. Although most of the issues are still there, I am taking it slowly and strengthening myself before I could face them. I would not advice you to make any life-changing decisions in a rush. Calm down, think twice, make a plan, get ready and prepare yourself well. You will need that later, if you decide to move away from hubby.

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 11:42

AnAuntieNotAMum

"Sounds like you have been feeling unloved for a long time? Sounds like you are fixating on your stomach as a reason for lack of intimacy when it's 99% unlikely to be the root cause?"

I would say that since having my first son, I have felt pretty undesirable. My husband lost interest in me soon after my son was born. He even said that my stomache looked hideous but that he still loved me, which is little consolation when you have just been told how repulsive you look.

I have been feeling unloved for some time. Not because of my stomache but because of his indifference to me generally. He spends every evening in his office on the computer. At week-ends it was rugby and kung- fu for the boys, then back to the office until dinner time. We would sometimes go for a walk (all four of us). On our anniversary. We took the kids to the pictures and Pizza hut. He so obviously doesn't want to spend time with me- that's what hurts. I'm lonely during the day and just as lonely in the evening. I suppose that's why I'm finding it so hard to be away from my friends.

I tried talking to him about it. He said I was being silly and of course he still loves me. He agreed to put one evening aside where we would eat dinner, after the boys had gone to bed then spend the whole evening together (my friend suggested this- it's what she and her husband do). It lasted a few weeks and then things went back to normal. I feel like there is no real commitment to put us back on track, so him unilaterally making this huge life-changing decision to up sticks and move us all to a place we can't afford to live in was pretty much the last straw.

OP posts:

BroodyChook · 22/09/2009 11:54

Swindonmum, it's awful that you feel so undesirable You 'sound' so desperately unhappy. Could you maybe use this thread to start a frank discussion with your DH? Maybe even show it to him? Do you think that, with work, your marriage could be saved, or do you just want out?

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 11:58

Stomach, not stomache! . Spelling goes out the window when you are pouring your heart out.

OP posts:

Original poster

swindonmum · 22/09/2009 12:05

BroodyChook

Do you think that, with work, your marriage could be saved, or do you just want out?

I thought I just wanted out but I just don't know how I feel anymore. If I was sure he didn't love me any more I would walk without hesitation (although I still don't know how to go about it- things are so complicated when children are involved). When I ask him he says he does, but his actions tell me otherwise.

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 22/09/2009 12:11

You talk a lot about how he feels about you (or how you think he feels about you). How do you feel about him? Do you like him? If you met him now would you want to marry him? What drew you to him in the first place - is that still there? what would life be like when the children leave home?

Mazza09 · 22/09/2009 14:44

Swindonmum - having read your responses you seem like quite a reflective, positive person. It seems you also have a core strength and can look at the brighter side of things. I'm glad my comment made you smile, it was meant to break the ice a little. I feel wholeheartedly that much of your unhappiness is a combination of dissatisfaction with events leading up to this point, it's almost as if the schools things has been the straw that broke the camels back, as it were (e.g. the best people to speak to about this are your sons, as they must have opinions about the moves too.)

All of the suggestions I have made are based on personal expererience, I'm sure this is the case for the other messages too. The 'worst case' scenario would be to break up the marriage and separate your children from the family unit in that it really does have a lifelong effect, there's a book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study" by Julia M. Lewis. Once you've seen a counsellor (and it's great that it's worked for you in the past,) and you have tried everything to resolve the situation and your concerns and you still feel separation is the best thing for you, consider reading that book. It's the type of study that you can 'dip' into depending on your own situation. It may even help you to understand a little more about yourself in that it covers every possible situation when there are difficulties at home, from parents who split to the families who stay together 'for the sake of the children' as this has an effect.

I would never discourage anybody from separating if they are in a mentally (or physically) distructive relationship - I would just urge that if this is not the case, all possible is done for married couples to do all they can to put their relationship back on track.

I do wish you all the very best for your situation and hope things are brighter for you in the near future.

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