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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this, because my world seems a little skewed?

62 replies

ireallydontknow · 19/09/2009 18:03

i have booked a holiday and asked dh's brother & sil (live in a different country a long way away) if they wanted to come back in feb. having had no response i assumed they weren't coming. this holiday is somewhere in europe so it's a flight and a hire car scenario.

the holiday is now in 2 weeks. dh has informed me that his brother want to send just their kids along, 10 & 13 yo. the 13yo has sn. i don't know the children very well. i've probably met them about 4 or 5 times.

dh's mum will be there so i'm sure she will help. we will have to meet them at the airport, a couple of hours drive away from where we're staying. i have 2 kids, 1 & 3 yo.

i'm feeling rather put out. is this something people do? send their kids on hols without them?

OP posts:

diddl · 19/09/2009 19:42

Because you asked so long ago and had no response, I assume the apartment you have booked is only big enough for you, hubby, children and MIL

newtotheplanet · 19/09/2009 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ireallydontknow · 19/09/2009 19:52

the sn is another problem - a bit like the elephant in the room. no-one really knows what the problem is and i have no idea how to handle the child. her mother hardly ever speaks to me and never about her dd so i'm completely clueless. i would hope that she would call me beforehand. she is a good mum and is very doting so i can't believe that this is actually her idea. i'm sure it's bil's.

you see, i know mil would LOVE to have them there. she hardly ever sees them and would really welcome the opportunity. i don't want to stand in the way. the cousins might also enjoy getting to know each other. it's also good for the kids to see another country.

they are not well-off so they will not contribute towards costs and we will probably help with airfares.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/09/2009 19:57

It would be lovely for your MIL.

What are the chances, though that MIL could cope with the children alone, and you wouldn´t be roped in?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 20:06

Maybe MIL could go visit them, and you, DH and DC can holiday alone?

purpleduck · 19/09/2009 20:06

I think if they are are coming, you need to have a chat with bil/sil about the special needs.
Just along the lines of..."what kind of care does she need."

Also have a good conversation with your mil. Don't just assume anything.

Original poster

ireallydontknow · 19/09/2009 20:10

i think that i will inevitably be involved. mil is quite old and i'd feel churlish not to give a hand if she needed help. i'm sure i will be doing the cooking so will have to take their diet into account. i'm not really sure how this will work, but the whole dynamic will change. instead of more adults than kids, there will be more kids than adults and it will change from us having help to us helping.

i also feel that i have a responsibility to get to know my nieces. i should want to have them there and my daughters are their only cousins. i should want them to form a good friendship so they have support when they're older (although i'm sure the 1yo doesn't care very much at the mo!). i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - my bil is way out of order, i don't want the extra work, but we'd love the kids.

anyway, we'll sleep on it tonight.

thanks for all the responses.

OP posts:

Doozle · 19/09/2009 20:10

Cannot believe the cheek of these people. They're not even going to pay for any of this either?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 20:15

I doubt whether a 1 year old and a three year old will form any kind of meaningful bond with a 10 yr old and a 13 yr old in the space of a fortnight. Will the older DC be useful/helpful with the littlies?

Original poster

ireallydontknow · 19/09/2009 20:22

it's only for a week. i really don't know how independent they are... the older one wasn't very nice to my older one last time they met. the younger one is very sweet and played nicely. neither of them have met the 1 yo.

so really you think the benefit is only for mil?

i think these kids will struggle: in a strange country, they don't know granny all that well, all of us are strangers really, a foreign language + foreign food, PLUS jetlag!

OP posts:

diddl · 19/09/2009 20:25

I those that benefit are your MIL and Ils-especially if you are helping financially.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 20:25

I can't see how anyone other than MIL benefits from this, but I'm not saying she's planned it! Are the older ones on holiday from school at that time, or are they to miss out on their education too?

Doozle · 19/09/2009 20:27

This is meant to be your holiday. However awkward it will be, I would have to say no to this situation. It's an enormous ask of you and your DH to take care of their kids as well as two very children too, regardless if MIL benefits.

Original poster

ireallydontknow · 19/09/2009 20:34

aaarghghg mil will be unbelievably disappointed and no doubt upset with me.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 20:37

Could MIL go visit them?

Original poster

ireallydontknow · 19/09/2009 21:01

well she keeps meaning to but it's been a couple of years. they live on the other side of the world so it's a 12 hour flight and it's a very small house so she will sleep on the living room floor. reading between the lines i think she finds it hard work and very tiring.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/09/2009 21:09

If she finds it hard work and tiring with them, then it sounds as if you will be the ones doing all the work.

ingles2 · 19/09/2009 21:17

come on IRDK, stop feeling guilty... it's really not feasible. you've got 2 tinies!
Mil will either have to visit them or vice versa
(that they are allowing her to sleep on the living room floor and not give up their room says it all btw)

Conundrumish · 19/09/2009 21:22

Could you not have the nieces and MIL to stay in your own house, another time, when you won't have to navigate a strange place and won't incurr extra expenses?

Doozle · 19/09/2009 21:37

pinkpanettone has great suggestion. Why not have them visit another time?

Original poster

ireallydontknow · 20/09/2009 07:39

yes, that really is the best solution.

going to speak to mil today...

OP posts:

Blackduck · 20/09/2009 08:04

Big NO here - I think all the reasons everyone else has given and your DH just needs to say no without putting the blame on you! He needs to just say that it isn't on to expect all of you to look after two children when you have two of your own (and such big age gaps) - think it would end up being hell!

ToAnswerYourQuestion · 20/09/2009 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

groundhogs · 20/09/2009 09:36

OP, I am so glad you DH has decided to take that tack, that was exactly what I was going to suggest you say to him to do.

OF COURSE it can't happpen, it has Holiday from Hell written all over it!

People ARE odd aren't they?

glastocat · 20/09/2009 09:45

You would be mad to even consider this and your dh and sil have a bloody cheek. Don't even think about it, and FGS don't feel guilty!

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