sleepovers and not knowing the parents

[BigMomma3]

DD has been invited to a sleepover tomorrow night (she is 12 btw) along with 5 other girls and I don't want her to go as I have never even seen the parents of the girl who has invited her let alone talked to them. When I told DD that I wanted to speak to them on the phone at least she insisted that she was not a baby and I do not need to as I would embarrass her . She has not been to a sleepover since she was about 8 and I knew the parents then (she has had sleepovers at our house since and the parents just dropped her friends off without speaking to me first even though I had never met them before either).

The girl is very nice and I am sure it will be fine but I have these irrational worries about them not having a smoke alarm or the parents leaving them alone and them raiding the drinks cupboard! When I drop her off, I can hardly say 'Nice to meet you, can you just confirm that you do have working smoke alarms, no alcohol in the house and you won't be leaving the girls on their own'? Or can I ?

It does'nt help that she has had impetigo and has been off school this week with it. She has a large very visible mark on her face still and is not contagious now but I am worried that her friends will think they will catch it off her. I really don't want her to go but she is so looking forward to it (these are relatively new friends as she has just started a new school). WIBU to not let her?

Yes you would be unreasonable.
Life involves calculated risks.
Calculate this one and let her go.
Chances of anything untowards happening are so minimal as not worth worrying over!

i would have a chat with the parents. phone them up and say hello. tell them you are just checking to see if it's still on as dd has been off all week. that way you get to say hello without seeming to be a pushy mum!!

I think it's natural to worry but I hardly think you can dictate that the parents have no alcohol in the house. Either you trust your dd not to sneak any of her hosts booze or you don't, it's her responsibility ultimately.

Re; the smoke alarm you should be able to tell by the house. Try to find it on google earth and if the house looks nice, it will have a smoke alarm.

If you were to phone the parents beforehand, what would you say? "Oh I'm just ringing to check that you're not a sex offender before my dd comes for a sleepover" - I somehow doubt they would admit to this even if they were.

Ultimately it all boils down to how well you trust your dd to behave.

'If the house looks nice it will have a smoke alarm' - what an absolute load of tosh, fgs!

I'd be inclined to get the family's phone number and phone to itroduce myself, thank the parents for inviting DD and "check the sleepover is still on", just to reassure myself.

I have to disagree with Famishedass though - my Grandfather's house was very nice (so was he!), his home clean, comfortable and full of antiques and expensive, well cared for furnishings yet he didn't have a smoke alarm until I realised the fact and asked the fire brigade to pop in on him. He just never considered it. To make assumptions based on what a house looks like is to tread dangerous ground imho.

Phone, I still ocasionally phone when my eldest has sleepovers (who is much older than your daughter) for me, now, it is because I want her to be aware that I will check so lying about where she is to get out will not work - but the reason doesn't matter, if you just call and ask what she will need and can she bring a bag of sweets/organic sugar free cake then all will be well for her and you!

Oh and no you cannot really ask about fire alarms though but, statistically, it is very unlikely that the house would have a fire on the one night she is in it. THese are the things you need to force a rational view point on - no matter how irrational you are feeling! It does get easier once you have done it a few times!

YANBU. I think I too would want to at least have a chat with the parents first. Even if it's just a quick chat, good idea about asking if it's still on as an excuse to call.

I too worry about things like this,but my dd is only 5. i would brief your dd, explain that you are trusting her and if yu hear that any funny buiness has gone on then she will have broken that trust and will not be going to any more sleepovers.

Oh and lastly -

"Re; the smoke alarm you should be able to tell by the house. Try to find it on google earth and if the house looks nice, it will have a smoke alarm."

The biggest pile of shite I have ever heard. I hope you're joking, if not then you are seriously weird.

My ds who is 14, a year ago was invited to stay at friends last year..I did not know the parents but I phoned them first to introduce myself and to check it was ok for him to stay...yanbu, yes you dont want to embarrass them..thats the line I always get off my two teenagers

Thanks all. It was fine (apart from her sending me texts at 5.00am to remind me when to pick her up )!! She enjoyed it and is now very tired and grumpy so thank god I did not let my neuroticity take over!!

Glad it all went well, and that you didn´t embarrass her-although as her parent, that is you role in life!!

Check and check! Mine went for a sleepover (DD13) and I trusted her to catch the bus there, spend the afternoon with a group of friends and then return to friend's house to sleep. Motherly instinct went off at tea-time and I phoned house to check all's OK. V embarrassed friend said she hadn't seen DD and didn't know where she was. She did know but was scared her mum would go ballistic! Long story but loads of friends lying for her, only one decent enough to tell the truth (DD still doesn't know who dobbed her in, but I love that girl!!). Police involved and brought her back. Very defiant DD got grounded for a month after I explained very loudly that lying to camping with boys was a serious offence!! I'd rather be an embarrassing mum that a worrying all night one!