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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Packing off babies to GPs for several months

44 replies

FairMidden · 16/09/2009 19:03

I'm going to offer no opinion on this beyond saying that I couldn't do it personally.

I spoke to someone today whose one year old child spent 4 months with her grandparents, overseas. I was because it seems incredible that someone could do that. AFAIK there was no underlying reason - all parties were happy with the arrangement.

Was IBU to be flabberghasted? If everyone's happy then fair enough, but it's a bit, er, unusual, isn't it?

I didn't pass comment on it - none of my business obviously - but I did wonder what MN's take was.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/09/2009 20:08

I'm Latina and this is also common, particularly among seasonal migrant workers who come to the US to work part of the year and other immigrants.

My mum suggested this when I had really bad PND and looking back, I wish I'd done it!

No one thinks twice about it in the US, tbh, where even among white cultures grandparents bring up grandchildren a lot, or do a lot of looking after them.

campion · 16/09/2009 20:15

Presumably Bowlby's Attachment Theory is a nonsense then? A year old child is unlikely to remember its parents after 4 months' separation. That's a bit different to an older child in the same situation.

Horton · 16/09/2009 21:20

I would be aghast at the idea of anyone doing this to a child of that age who has very little conception of past of future or any idea whether or not his or her primary caregivers have gone forever. It is quite different if you are doing it because you are poor and unemployed and wish to attempt to make a better life for your children rather than just personal convenience which is what it sounds like in the OP's post.

A child or three or four would be perfectly capable of knowing their parents were coming back etc but I imagine they'd still be deeply distressed by four months absence. My daughter who is three has never yet spent a whole night away from me, apart from one night when I was in hospital after surgery, because since she has been able to talk she has been vehemently against the idea. Before that she was breastfed and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her with GPs etc as she absolutely would not take a bottle or any fluid of any kind from any sort of cup.

TBH, I'm quite shocked at the idea of being able to leave a one year old for four months, even with loved and trusted grandparents, and not finding it totally against all your instincts as a parent. But maybe I have also led a very sheltered life. I feel desperately sorry for immigrants who need to leave their children behind to work here etc. It must be horribly hard for all concerned.

Horton · 16/09/2009 21:22

past OR future, I mean

Sorry.

Ripeberry · 16/09/2009 21:33

When I was 2yrs old and my brother was a baby we were packed off to GPs. My brother went to my dad's parents in Bristol and I went to my mum's parents in Cardiff.
In all we were apart from each other for almost a year!
The reason was that my mum had a major PND episode on top of her Manic Depression and my dad HAD to work abroad.
But we survived and my relationship with my brother was made strong as I could not bear to 'lose' him again.

Horton · 16/09/2009 21:38

But PND is as much a reason as being poor and unemployed and hopeless, isn't it? I mean, it's a serious medical condition. I wonder what you'd feel about it now, Ripeberry, if that had happened just because your mother fancied a break?

I'd be very interested, FairMidden, to know what the circumstances in this case were.

WidowWadman · 16/09/2009 21:40

In a few years time I'm going to pack off my daughter to her grandparents or her auntie in the summer holidays. Not because I'd want to get rid of her, but because I want her to spend some time in Germany, being fully immersed in the language.

Don't think I could do it yet, but don't think it's wrong for other parents to do it, as long as the child is staying with people who love the child and treat them well.

hatwoman · 16/09/2009 21:41

at sagacious. I too was thinking about doctors. but not guinea pigs. what manner of life have you led that makes you think of guinea pigs when you see GP? (the letters, not the doctor...)

Maveta · 16/09/2009 21:44

A woman I know sends her kids to her parents on mainland spain for 2 months every summer and has done since they were very small (the youngest first went at 9 months old). She says it works very well for everyone and they have never known any different (they are about 6 and 3 now). I don´t think I´d want to do the same quite so young but I have to say I was full of "and what was it like just the two of you?" "did you go out loads?" "and watch films?" "and sleep lots?" I would do it when ds is a bit older, given the chance.

LynetteScavo · 16/09/2009 21:51

My mother went on holiday for ONE MONTH when my sister was one. Actually I think she might have missed her first birthday. My sister was looked after by our grandparents, who lived with them at the time.

LynetteScavo · 16/09/2009 21:51

Taht should be my parents went on holiday for one month.

colabottlefizzy · 16/09/2009 22:03

I've known women in the forces who have had to leave their dc while they serve abroad and that can be up to 7 months.

lljkk · 17/09/2009 12:39

TBH, I don't feel like I should have to relate my own sad story to justify my perspective. My babies were very bonded to me personally by the age of 3-4 months. They did not settle easily with other people. Settled with DH to some extent, but only a little. Is that unusual? Maybe my babies have been unusually clingy. So it's hard for me to imagine any baby easily adjusting to a complete and sudden absence of their usual carer(s). And that's leaving aside my own childhood experiences.

I'm glad to hear it works for some, I'd now gladly leave any DC but my youngest with almost any willing and kind takers (alas, never gonna happen!).

Sassybeast · 17/09/2009 12:49

My mum and her siblings were dispersed to live with various aunts and uncles for about 6 months in the 1960s while their own mother was battling cancer (They ranged in age from a few months to 6). After her death, they all came 'home' again and when my grandad remarried, his new wife took them all on as her own and they all turned out to be very normal, happy, well adjusted adults with close relationships both with each other and their father. Yes it was 40 years agobut the basic premise is the same - sometimes it's about need. One of my aunts looked after one of my cousins for the 4 or so months that her mum was an inpatient for mental health problems. Again, it doesn't appear to have caused any major bonding issues between the little girl and her mum and sometimes, families have to do what is right at the time. So YANBU to wonder but YABU to sound a little bit judgy

waitingforfanjo · 17/09/2009 12:54

I couldn't have done it when DS was one, even though I had bad PND and quite often would wish someone would take him away so I would stop feeling so anxious. But i would have missed him terribly.

Lots of people do it out of necessity (illness, a death, unemployment etc) but I don't think many would do it just for a break. Four months is a very long time to a little toddler. I don't think little children should be separated so long from their families.

When I was about 15 my older brother, his wife & two older children went on a skiiing holiday for 2 weeks & left the youngest boy aged 2, with me & my mum & dad. Poor child cried bitterly every day for them, and even though he knew us, he obvioulsy missed his family terribly. I thought it was cruel at the time & even more so now I have my own DS and know what it's like to have your own child.

Romanarama · 17/09/2009 12:58

Come to think of it I've left mine for short periods (up to a week) with my mum and dad from the age of about 1. It's always been fine. Most recently they all went to stay in the country with gps for 5 days because dh and I had to pack up the whole house to move. They were fine, but we loved it. Just so nice selfishly thinking only about ourselves all day everyday. Bit different from 2 months, but I wouldn't judge.

jellybeans · 17/09/2009 13:05

I think it would be abit cruel on a 1yr old, no way could I do it. I feel sorry if they had to do it (illness, a job they had no choice in having to do etc) but if they just did it, it is abit tight on the baby IMO.

Morloth · 17/09/2009 13:07

My DS has been happy to toss me over for my MIL from pretty much the first time they met - he was spending weekends with them from about 8 weeks old. Still calls her at least once a week for hours - adores my SIL as well, when she is here (and she always coincides her holidays with the school ones) we barely see him for weeks because they are out doing something everyday.

There are absences of 6 mths to a year between when DS sees them/their home but whenever we get there, he walks right in as it is his home as much as the one he shares with us.

He loves it, I love it and she loves it. No downside I can see we are all very close.

You can't have too many people who love you.

Original poster

FairMidden · 17/09/2009 13:20

Just to add a bit more background - this woman isn't a close friend (no so close that I could ask her why comfortably) but I see her fairly regularly and as it has happened again since then, albeit for a mere couple of months, I don't think there's any reason beyond it being what they all wanted. I'm fairly sure there's no underlying reason for it.

She did say she feels her child has changed in temperament.

I just couldn't even consider that (except in circumstances such as illness or need to work overseas which are obviously necessity). It seems we're divided about whether it's something we'd consider or not.

This has all been very interesting, thanks. I had no idea it was such common thing.

OP posts:

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