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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want to hit DH around the back of the head with a very heavy pan?

20 replies

PollyPoo · 14/09/2009 14:10

I am SOOOO bloody annoyed

H (not DH at mo) and I have been ttc for 14 months. DD1 was conceived in 4 months so we are both disappointed its not happening, but I seem to be the one giving up things and changing my lifestyle to encourage conception.

He was smoking the old wacky backy every night until May when I showed him some research I'd found online about what it can do to sperm. He was shocked (duh?!) and gave up. Which is great, except he then starting drinking alcohol nearly every night

The doctor has offered to refer us to the fertility clinic for further tests but he needs to do a sperm test first. He said he didn't want to it until Oct when the wackyness would not be affecting sperm production any more. I grudgingly agreed.

So this weekend, DD and I are evicted from the house for his boys weekend (not so much of a hardship - went to stay with parents and spent birthday money in Bath!)

But when I get home I find out that he has smoked again this weekend. ARGGGHHHHH!

Why is it that we both want a baby but I'm the only one who seems to be taking this seriously? I am spending a fortune on supplements for us both (that he mainly 'forgets' to take). I've cut out alcohol, caffeine, yeast, sugar and dairy (I have a problem with yeast overgrowth in my stomach and this can affect fertility). I'm having acupuncture. In short I feel I am doing everything possible to be fit and healthy and ready to conceive.

I'm 38 now (he is 36) and time is not on my side. Grrr I'm just so fecking angry with him and he can't see why! He says he wants another baby as he wants DD to have a sibling, but he is not looking forward to a pregnant (and therefore hormonal) wife and he doesn't relish the newborn bit because its tiring (says the man who slept with ear plugs and an eye mask when I was up doing nightfeeds!!!).

He is a great believer in the power of suggestion and positive thinking and I told him I even feel sometimes that it is only his negativity that is stopping me getting pg, and he said that had crossed his mind too.
For a super-intelligent, emotional man he is amazing bloody stupid sometimes. I feel like his is subtly manipulating me and I feel powerless to change it.

What the hell do I do with him? Don't worry, I am not seriously suggesting a frying pan applied to the back of the head, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like it!

Sorry - rant over.
x

OP posts:

mrsmortenharket · 14/09/2009 14:12

he might well need it lol! figuratively speaking of course

AliGrylls · 14/09/2009 14:20

It doesn't sound like he is acting like he wants to have a child even if he says he does.

Why don't you just tell him you are not prepared to continue to make the modifications if he doesn't at least try.

It sounds really infuriating so YANBU.

mrsmortenharket · 14/09/2009 14:21

sorry am not much help today i think x

addictedtomn · 14/09/2009 14:24

polly, i think you and your dh need to sit down and have a serious descussion about this. tell him all that you just wrote, but not in an accusitory way.

it sounds like he isnt intrested in having another child but just wants to keep you and your dd happy.

find time to talk to him honestly

PeedOffWithNits · 14/09/2009 14:38

sorry but he sounds very selfish and the way you put it, it is not convincing that he wants another DC

you need to have a real old heart to heart, some men do not understand the "biological clock ticking" stuff

good luck

Original poster

PollyPoo · 14/09/2009 14:41

I've tried believe me - we had a huge argument on thurs about it all, but it ended up in being a really good honest chat.

He wants another child, but he feels like he wants to stamp his feet and say no no no, although actually there is nothing that I say that he doesn't agree with, so he doesn't really know why he feels like he does. Does that make sense?!

He did admit that part of it may be due to the fact that when DD was born, he had a hard time of it accepting that someone else was now the centre of my world. (well boo hoo you, was my attitude! Not entirely helpful but honestly, he is not a child)

He also feels that the fact that my desire for another child is so strong somehow detracts something from DD and him. Like they are not enough. Does that make sense? Which is SOOOO wrong and I've tried to explain it again and again but he always brings it up every time we discuss ttc.

I do admit, reading back my mammoth post (sorry about that!) it does seem to scream that he doesn't want another child.

I will brace myself for another chat tonight. Its very hard to talk about with getting emotional or upset though because its such a big deal to me. I will try to put my feelings forward without screaming ab dabs

Thanks the advice all, it all helps as sometimes I wonder if I am being unreasonable .

OP posts:

ClaraDeLaNoche · 14/09/2009 14:41

YANBU. Just go ahead with hitting idea.

PS I was concerned that my two DC would come out of womb saying "Peace man" and having the munchies given the level my DH took when we were TTC. So far no sign.

Original poster

PollyPoo · 14/09/2009 14:44

Lol, thanks Clara!

OP posts:

ClaraDeLaNoche · 14/09/2009 14:47

Another annoying thing about this is it can take them so bloody long to do the business so to speak because it numbs the senses. I am a ten minute girl and no more, I wouldn't want to miss TV for much longer.

BalloonSlayer · 14/09/2009 14:48

Does one night of smoking it really make that much difference? Does drinking really make all that much difference?

Original poster

PollyPoo · 14/09/2009 14:49

pmsl Clara - although I'm usually wondering if he'd notice if I got my book out

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 14/09/2009 14:49

He doesn't sound very mature TBH. He sounds like an 18 yr old. Is he a good, responsible father? (Sorry - sounds very old fashioned I know, but this child rearing business is really tough, and gets much worse when they are teens, and at 36 he really should'nt be behaving like this, IMO).

ClaraDeLaNoche · 14/09/2009 14:54

I am sticking up for this DH as he sounds like mine. A bit of dope when TTC does not mean you can't be a good, responsible father. I found that I was fixated, and he was more relaxed and thought "Oh a little bit won't hurt". Especially if he had his friends round.

Original poster

PollyPoo · 14/09/2009 14:58

Hey balloon slayer. I'm not sure tbh how much difference it makes if you are both fit and healthy. And no, I shouldn't think one weekend will make a huge amount of different, it just pee'd me off that he was put of doing the test for months to get clear of it, and now imbibed again, its the principle.

And the fact that we've been trying for 14 months and nothing, zip, nada makes me think there may be a problem somewhere.

And seeing as we don't know which of us has the problem I don't think its unreasonable to a) adjust our lifestyle to make sure we are both fit and healthy, and/or b) for him to do the sperm test to find out. (I've had bloods done at the drs and she can't go any further until he's tested too.)

For example lets say his sperm count wasn't great to begin with, and then you add smoking/alcohol/or both on top, that would definately have a negative impact.

Its the not knowing that is doing my head in.

OP posts:

Original poster

PollyPoo · 14/09/2009 15:04

Hey 3littlefrogs

I have to say in his defence he is a brilliant father, and we have very similar views on parenting, so we hardly disagree... except on ttc.

Unfortunately Clara, he is not too good at moderation - if he could just have the odd one now and again I probably wouldn't get so annoyed about it.

I never knew that ttc for no2 could be SOOOO difficult. I stupidly thought that we'd had one easily enough, so next time would be easy peasy.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 15:35

Umm...putting off the test for that reason is lame and he's avoiding. Just get the bloody test done - whether or not he has smoked will be unlikely to make any discernible difference, so don't let him put it off any longer!
I don't agree that he's not necessarily taking it seriously. I was very keen to get pg but didn't quit smoking until I knew I was. DH didn't quit at all (nor the wackybaccy). I think it's easier for women to get very into TTC stuff and the men can be swept along by it, so although he knows weed won't help, he doesn't quite believe it? But that's all the more reason to get his sperm chacked out!

mamas12 · 14/09/2009 17:56

Wow that bit where you said your H felt as though him and your dd would be pushed out rang a bell with me and my ex.

Tell him the love increases with every new heart your heart will expand with it.

Otherwise he is being a prat.

Original poster

PollyPoo · 17/09/2009 19:54

Evening all

We finally had the big chat... it lasted over about 3 nights. And tbh I'm not entirely feeling any better for it.

DH has concerns about having another baby 1) that my 'need' for another child somehow devalues him and DD. 2) He's worried what effect another child will have on our relationship and 3) he realises its childish but he doesn't cope well with not being the centre of my world since Boo came along. (To be honest I am worried about our relationship if we DON'T have another baby).

Given his concerns he is happy to ttc but its obviously less of a big deal to him, so taking supplements is about the most he will do to help the process.

He did also admit that I have put him off ttc by talking about future bubba in terms of I not we, as in I want a baby.

And then after all that, he says he knows his doubts are not really valid, and he is trying to put them aside and be positive. ARGHHHH... farkin men.

So... I'm practically rattling with all the supplements I am taking, and I've bought a persona, and I've ordered DH some zinc and some maca... And I guess we just have to keep trying.

Or of course, I could hit him with pan v hard, bury him in the garden and buy some sperm online?!

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 17/09/2009 20:39

weeeelll, I can actually see where he's coming from.

on concern 1) - it's a point. You may not see it like that but your 'all systems go' for child number two may well seem to him to be a little less than valuing what you've got and counting your blessings, etc. It's not the way you, or many people would see it, but it's valid imo. Of course having a second child doesn't mean you don't value what you have - but maybe he needs to hear that from you a bit? To hear that you feel lucky to have what you do rather than focussing on what you don't?

concern 2) well, it's very valid to be concerned imo! Having a second child is a big step, and it does mean going back to newborn times/lack of sleep/independence etc, and you become a full-on parenting 'team' often with one of you dealing with one child and the other dealing with the baby etc. I think it can be THE hardest time for a relationship, it's good that he's concerned because it means he is being realistic....

concern 3) no sympathy there from me on this one. He does have to accept that children are the centre of your world! However once again with two kids it is even harder for some people to maintain a relationship as a couple rather than just as parents so I guess that's a valid concern as well..

Original poster

PollyPoo · 17/09/2009 20:52

Hmmm.... thanks SRP. Feeling a bit calmer now.

I do appreciate all his concerns are valid, I guess I haven't really done enough in the past to reassure him.

But despite his concerns, he still doesn't want DD to be an only child...

But he doesn't want to do too much to make sure that happens. Unless I am just being too harsh.

OP posts:

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