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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to not let PIL's care for DS?

13 replies

sillysalley · 14/09/2009 11:54

The title sounds harsh doesnt it, so maybe I am

Anyway, DS is 14mo old. He sees lots of PIL, and he loves them dearly. They are fantastic with him, and he loves visiting.

Well up until now, they admitted that they werent up to looking after him alone, (they are quite elderly) and therefore my mum has been his childminder for 2 days while I go to work part time. However, now they want to start to look after him.

Im in a real difficult situation, because I dont want to upset them but he is now used to the routine of going to my mums and he loves it. Plus my mum has gone to the trouble to go on a childminding course and first aid, health and hygiene etc- bless her. (can i just add, this was mum who chose to do this, I was perfectly happy her looking after him without doing so)I dont want to mix him up, one day going to Grandmas house, the other day going to Nanas etc.

Plus, the main reason, is I dont trust them. Not that they would purposely do anything wrong, because they def wouldnt, they love DS to bits. But they worry and wittle all the time. For example, when we visited at the weekend, DS started choking, only slightly and it was resolved within seconds, but MIL became eccastic, yelling, crying, and just generally making the situation worse and scaring DS. Also PIL's dont allow him to do anything for fear of him hurting himself e.g. he's not allowed to walk in their house without them holding
his hand.

I know many of you may say, that they managed to bring up DH fine, but the truth of the matter is, it was his aunt who brought him up more than them. It was the same situation when he was young, he wasnt allowed to do anything, and PIL's openly admit that if his aunt hadnt lived next door they dont know how they would have managed. I truly believe that because of the way he was brought up, it has affected the way DH is. (huge lack of confidence)

So AIBU, to not let them care for him?

OP posts:

diddl · 14/09/2009 11:58

They admitted that they weren´t up to looking after him.
If nothing´s changed, then they are still not up to it, IMO.

If you don´t feel that they can handle it, don´t let them.

I would never have trusted my ILs with mine.
Yes, they did bring hubby up, but they are a lot older now, and TBH, have no idea.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 12:03

YANBU
thank them but tell them that your mum has rearranged her shifts or something to have him, and she wouldn't be able to change them back, and it's not fair to her to change it, or something like that. Maybe arrange for him to have an hour or two there by himself while you go shopping so they can feel they are helping without messing up his routine too much, a couple of hours of mollycoddling won't do much harm.

Cheepz · 14/09/2009 12:08

YANBU - you have to be confident when you leave your children with anyone that they will be able to cope in a crisis. I have a smiilar concern with my PIL so wouldn't leave DS with them either

Original poster

sillysalley · 14/09/2009 12:11

Well that has been brought up, could they have him just for an hour or so ... but again, I just dont feel confident with leaving him - maybe when he s older. But taking him there and leaving him for an hour would be more a hinderence than a help IYSWIM. I would just worry the whole time he was there!

OP posts:

FickleFairy · 14/09/2009 12:13

I totally understand where you are coming from. My PIL's desperately want to spend time on their own with my DS but I just can't trust them. They have had no children in their lives since DH at all, not even nieces or nephews, and to be quite honest when they are visiting I am on the edge of my seat the whole time as they don't seem to be able to pre empt dangerous situations, hot tea mugs left on the edge of the table with DS running past, him sitting on the arm of the sofa without Grandpa's arm to support if he was to fall (btw I wouldn't let him sit on arm of sofa in first place) and the last time they were here he was allowed to play with Grandma's eyeliner pencil whilst she was getting dressed and consequently drew on the carpet with it as well as the bedclothes!!!

Luckily I am able to use the avoidance tactic and just don't ask them to babysit etc. DH understands thank god and agrees with me, however he would like to address it with them, I really don't want to rock the boat as we otherwise have a fantastic relationship and therefore think avoidance is best.

It's a tricky situation SilleySalley, I would just maybe use the fact that your mum has done all these courses etc as she knew she would be having DS and that you have got him in a good routine etc but maybe suggest that they could help out if ever she couldn't or if you wanted a babysitter so you and DH could go out, and then hope this doesn't happen or maybe just pop out for dinner and let them baby sit whilst he's in bed or something, so they feel useful but at the same time, you know DS is tucked up in bed?

Would that help do you think? What is your DH's stance on all this?

PrammyMammy · 14/09/2009 12:14

Yanbu.
You need to be able to go to work happy and confident that your ds is in safe hands.
Obviously you know they love your ds and wouldn't harm him, but you also now their ways.
DS is 20 months now and i am still too weary to leave him with PIL, it sounds mad but it is just their way that puts me off. Scary.

diddl · 14/09/2009 12:16

Are they jealous because your Mum has him?

Could they visit him then?

Most Mums ask their own mother as opposed to MIL, I guess they need to accept that.

Sourdough · 14/09/2009 12:23

YANBU. Just because they are family it doesn't necessarily follow that they will be the best people to take care of him, esp if they have already relinquished care once on the basis of 'not being up to it'. An hour here or there would be OK, I'm sure, but regular minding may not be the best. I agree with FickleFairy - if you feel uncomfortable leaving him with them in the day, start by make an evening date when he's in bed. They feel useful, you get out. All-round success.
My MIL is lovely, but I don't like leaving DD with her still, even though DD is now almost six. She runs rings around her and MIL seems oblivious to the chaos she allows. She would be reading a magazine while DD set fire to the place

Stigaloid · 14/09/2009 12:28

YANBU - tell them you already have childcare in place and don't want to disrupt your DC's life now that he has settled so nicely.

Bucharest · 14/09/2009 12:30

Definitely NBU- they have admitted themselves (when it suited them, evidently) that they weren't up to it. Just quote that back at them.

posieparker · 14/09/2009 12:43

YANBU

BunnyLebowski · 14/09/2009 12:49

YANBU

I won't leave dd with MIL as her idea of babysitting is shoving them in front of the telly in their pushchair with a fruitshoot in one hand and a doughnut in the other while she smokes approximately 3651 cigarettes in the same room .

He's your baby - you decide who is fit to look after him.

danthe4th · 14/09/2009 13:56

Tell them that its all sorted during the day but perhaps they could babysit one evening a week, at least your ds should be safe asleep in bed for a few hours and they will feel useful.

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