To still not understand why some men never help with night waking/feeds/changing etc

[TheLadyEvenstar]

But can manage to help in the daytime?

DP can do all those things but NEVER wakes up to ds2 in the night, whereas everytime he even moves i am awake.

Anyone else feel this way?

I have a 6 week old DD and my DH hasn't changed a single nappy - day or night.

He has helped out a bit more with DS (15 months old)but I don't think he's given DD a whole feed either and certainly hasn't bathed / changed her.

I am not going to insist dh gets up because

• I will be bf
• he is brilliant with ds1 and will look after him more to help me out
• will let me lie in
• does loads of other stuff to help out

but mostly the bf thing, he can't do anything anyway. If it doesn't feel equal then sure it will change. But for the next one my life will be pretty easy anyway as ds will be at school.

Can understand it would be different if I worked or had a toddler.

Whatever happens am certain it will be fair as dh is very helpful.

Your DH should be ashamed Harimosmummy. Really. There is no excuse for that sort of laziness. Does he know that Social Services have embraced attachment-disorder as the latest unproven theory for removing children?

Tell him to get his act together!

Harimosmummy - that is shocking. However, giving DH the benefit of the doubt is it pehaps because 'you do everything' and he feels pushed out or he feels he might 'do it all wrong'?

I used to alternate the night-time stuff with my ex. When she was breast-feeding I'd do the nappy changes as "my turn".

DH says that women do say that men can't do things as well but that it's no excuse for not doing routine tasks like getting up at night and changing nappies.

And that the "I can't do it as well" is lame beyond belief

Abetadad, you know its funny we have been out for a meal tonight with the dc and dp and i were talking. he said to me, you never let me do anything with ds2, if he cries you are there, he needs changing you are there, wants a cuddle its you he comes to

and he is right, it led to us talking about why i am the way i am over ds2. and we resolved a lot of things which is good.

If you breast feed then the baby doesn't need it's dad. I always got up during night as breast feeding. The point of bloke getting up would be what exactly? Plus he had to go to work where as I was on maty leave the first few weeks.

2rebecca yes he goes to work and looking after a newborn is fairly easy. But what about sleepless 1 and 2 year-olds? It really gets the whole family down after a while believe me.

My husband has to drive a little way but then he sits in an office while I have to keep our toddler alive which means being on the ball in terms of the chain on the door, the stair-gates, the back door, the oven, the home is the most lethal place for older babies after all.

And I have to disagree about the point of a bloke being awake during BF. Why the feck shouldn't they, at least to be nice and supportive. If I were a man I'd want to be involved BF mothers aren't exactly asking them to roughly go at themselves with a cheese-grater in solidarity

I wouldn't feel that supported by dh groggily trying to be awake whilst I bf, though, Ninks. I'd just have thought it was a bit silly for 2 of us to suffer.

Dh 'works from home' (ie. runs round after dd1 & 2 then works until small hours to get stuff done he's supposed to have done that day) a couple of times a week, & his chunter would be me giving him lists of household jobs to do on the basis that 'oh you're not in the office tomorrow, can you paint the dining room?'

So long as the balance is right, ie. you're not doing it all whilst he's down the pub, or vice versa, what's the point of being 'two-up' on stuff that only needs one of you to do? If he could lactate that'd be jolly useful, obviously.

TheLadyEvenstar - that is interesting and it is something I have often seen out in the street. Dads kind of hovering in the background obviously interested and concerned but not sure what to do and the woman diving into do whatever needs to be done. I think it tends to happen where the man is out at work all day and never really gets to bond or get ivolved so for practical reasons the woman tends to 'deal with the children' so ends up doing everything. I suspect it also happens with SAHMs doing all the other housework sometimes too. Your DH did the right thing in raising the issue and hope you enjoy 'letting him get is hands dirty' today.

For my own part, I was lucky to be at home when DS1 and DS2 were born so did everything 50:50 with DW. I well remember getting up to FF in the night and coming back to bed to find DW snoring never having batted an eyelid. DW did it half of the time though and it was the most exhausted either of us have ever felt so have a lot of sympathy with anyone having to do it every night without any help.

My DP never, ever got up for DD in the night except for the (very rare) times that she was sick and needed to be washed and the sheets needed changing simultaneously ie two pairs of hands were needed. I never expected him to get up - he had to go to work the next morning.

I think it's piss poor and all the excuses in the world don't add up.

I think that just because one of you is having a rubbish time is no reason to make your partner (who you are supposed to love) have a rubbish time too. If my husband had an ear infection I wouldn't expect him to poke me in the ear so I could understand what he is going through. Surely it's much better if one of you is awake during the day? If your husband has slept he can look after other kids in the evening when he gets home so you can go to bed early and sleep between feeds.
I don't get the "I can't sleeep so no-one else in the house should either" attitude.

Not sure that what what I was trying to say, it does sound stupid stupid. And I don't remember what my point was so I'll take that back. I did say earlier in the thread that I did all the night stuff, (BF) for a year and apart from needing a bit of support in the first few days because I was in pain left DH to sleep.

Giving bottles throughout the night and then getting up very early with DS I did put my foot down about - one or the other and he chose the first job. He doesn't have to get out of bed to do that whereas I am already dreading January at 4am.

"Stupid stupid"?

its lack of sleep ninks

Interesting thread.

DH doesn't do night wakings (DS2 is bf, DS1 demands only mummy in the night) or change nappies very often. OTOH he always cooks dinner, does most of the laundry, and works full-time. We are both equally busy and knackered, I would never ever call him lazy!

Sans same as do then lol he does most of the housework as he knows from the days off he has just how demanding ds2 can be.

I think it also depends on the work balance.

I don´t work, hubby does.
What would be the point of waking him at night so that he´s tired for work the next day?

I remember my first bfeeding at 7am, then us both dozing off until 11!

After DH's paternity leave he never got up during the night apart from the odd occasion where DS was ill (on one particular occasion I was running a bath to clean him up and he kept crawling out of his blankets and shaking with the cold, so I needed DH to cuddle him and keep him warm) or the very bad nights where I'd been up with a wide awake child pacing the floors for hours on end. Oh dear, I'm 40 weeks pg and it's all flooding back to me!
I still breastfeed him, so can quiten and calm him instantly and sit there or lie half asleep myself when he's feeding - DH would be wide awake at this point and trying desperately to rock him to sleep. Plus, whether it's related to that or not, I seem to cope better on less / broken sleep - can go straight back to sleep whereas DH needs time to switch off again.

I think it is very that people are giving their dh/p a way out because he "works full time". What are you doing? My dh always said he thought I had the harder job, looking after children, than he did!

My dh always helped out, would do ebm bottles at the weekend, change a nappy if I was doing the feeding.

These men who never help out at night - what about weekends? Friday and Saturday nights are not "work" nights for most people, surely?

DH never did as a rule. He always would if one of the children were sick or if I'd had a bad few nights and needed a night off or I'd go insane though.
I think its only fair for a SAHM to do the vast majority of night wakings if the DH works full time.
Take today for example - although I have a 3 year old and an 18 month old who dont sleep in the day and no chance of a sleep for me - I still got up last night with DS2 as DH has to work today.
DH was up at 6am and straight out the door before the children were up. I stayed in bed lounging around with both children in with me until 8am and we are now all snuggled on the sofa still in jimjams watching scooby doo while DH is concentrating hard at work!

When I've had a really bad night I can lie on the sofa and rely in part on the electronic babysitter to take the strain. Or again, when DS was tiny I could feed and snooze. DH wouldn't have those options at work (well not without facing the sack ). Plus he has to be up, showered and dressed for a certain time, whereas I can slob around in my dressing gown until I get the energy, and he has a 45ish minute commute which I'd prefer he did having had some sleep!

I do the night wakings during the week, I always wake up before DH anyway so it's quicker and easier for me to jump up! If DS is poorly or teething and up a lot we tend to split it so that DH does til midnight and from 5am to 7am and I do the middle bit. I do think it's more important for him to have the longer stretch of unbroken sleep so he can concentrate at work and so I can hand over DS when he walks in the door and he's ready to take it on!

He does friday and saturday nights and also gets up with DS on the weekend so I get a lie in. We used to have one lie in each but I'm now pregnant and he won't let me get out of bed until at least 9am! He also does all the nappies, feeding and putting down for naps at the weekend. He is a very hands on dad and enjoys doing it all which is lovely for us all, I'm very lucky!