To be fed up with all and sundry banging on about when I'm going to get round to "having another"

[topsyturveymum]

I have one dd coming up for 4. She is my only child. I am so fed up with having to field the question "are you going to have any more, then?" MIL has really been putting the pressure on (dh is Catholic and I feel I am expected to pop out a whole new clan of their family chain). She even suggested the other week when we dropped dd off for the afternoon that dh & I went home and had "a cuddle"! The very thought of MIL and FIL sitting down with a cuppa and getting all cozy at the thought that dh and I might be in the process of producing another grandchild for them made me feed quite ill!

It's been hard for me to decide that I don't see myself having anymore kids. I'm 40 now and you think of all the things that could go wrong. Also for the last 12 months, I have had really bad knee pain which has really put me off having any more kids as I don't think physically I could cope with it and that, along with my age has made me feel we have missed the boat as far as having anymore kids is concerned. My knees are improving slowly with exercise and therapy, but by the time they are 100% again, I'll be at least 41 probably. Also I had a m/c 18 months ago, just before my knees bacame bad, and I really don't want to go throught that again.

All these people harping on about child no. 2 is making me quite upset - it's making me sad as if I was really fit, I'd love to have another child. I know it's what dh would like, but he understands how I feel. I just feel sad at the circumstances, but that's the way it is and I just want everyone to leave me alone and mind their own business. DH has said he'll talk to his mum - I do feel like I'm letting everyone down as the buck stops with me and I'm making the decisions - but I don't want another baby, not unless my fitness improves before I'm too old and I can't see that happening

It'w OK to have just one child, isn't it! She wont be unhappy cos she hasn't got any siblings will she?

i got fed up with this inbetween my two girls (nearly 5 years apart), especially as we had 2 mc;s inbetween
also now we cant have anymore children its harder. I replied to one woman that i cant have more kids, she replied "whys that then, you been sterlised" so blunt, i didnt know what to say!

slowreading, love that reply

that's shocking lisa, don't know how people can be so rude to come out with such a statement.

not everyone wants more than the one child, that's another aspect of it. they may be quite happy with the one, and there's nothing wrong with that. just ashame alot of others seem to think it's odd having an only child and feel they have to butt in and get the low-down on a couple's sex life.

We have 1, and we get asked about more. it doesn't bother me though, I just say 'we don't want any more'. We may change our minds as he is only 7 months and I am 26, but at the moment we are happy with the idea of just 1!

I have been asked this by strangers on a few occasions (DS is 15mo) without them knowing that DH passed away in January. I tell them and the look on their faces is priceless... I have to laugh!

Hopefully that will stop them asking some other poor bugger

I always thought that women loved talking about their family plans but since coming on here I realise it's actually a minefield.

I naturally take an interest in other people's lives so it's hard to censor some questions that to me seem quite obvious to ask. I'm 38, been with DP for ten years so people ask me all the time if I want any - if they didn't it would be the elephant in the room wouldn't it.

I don't think 'are you planning to have (more) kids' is a personal question tbh. If you don't know the person well enough to discuss the truth with them, you can just say 'no'.

but morriszapp that's all very well if you've had a trouble-free time in regards to fertility and no difficulties ttc. Not everyone can just fall pg at the drop of a hat, several times in the space of 5 to 10 years. Some women make it look very easy, and the rest of us who have problems get asked insensitive questions, not just from one person but from several over and over again. I have to disagree, it's a very personal question.

You don't have to share your fertility issue history with people you don't know - you can just say something noncommital and then move on.

I think in all honesty that there are so many problems relating to ttc/ pg/ parenthood that nobody car realistically be expected to understand until it happens to them.

Before you had issues, did you think it was rude to ask somebody if they planned to have kids?

I've already said that I had asked people before I had DS and was completely ignorant to the fact that maybe a couple didn't want to get into a conversation about how many children they wanted, or if they're trying for another etc. Now after having been through it myself, there's no way I'd be asking a couple about the amount of children they plan on having. It is definately a personal question and not one to get into unless they bring the topic up first.

Its a minefield isn't it. The last person who asked I just said without thinking 'no, I don't reckon so, I reckon at knocking on 40 I'm past all that'.
Then I remembered that his OH is older than me and they desperately want children & have been TTC for ages
I felt awful, poor chap, not surprising that he has babies on the mind.

Don't you know you are "supposed" to have 2 a girl and a boy, 2-3 years apart and no more no less. If you are unfortunate enough to produce 2 of the same gender you are "allowed" to "try" for one of the opposite gender. You must under no circumstances have a third if you have the magic boy and girl as that's you finished now.

I personally would never ask someone if they are trying for another one as a) it's none of my business and b) they could have infertility problems or had a mc.

People just cannot help themselves.

that's exactly why it's better to err on the side of caution and avoid asking intrusive questions.

I have done a simple 'no' rather than tell people resons why etc, but most people won't accept a no and will still go on and on. I don't undersand why people are so interested in what other people choose to do with thier lives.

One of DHs work friends is always asked if she will have another as well, poor woman had 4 mc before her ds and 2 mc after. A simple question like that can leave her feeling really low for days, especially when the person asking won't just be fobbed off with a no or won't drop it.

It is a minefield, and I also think it´s no one elses business.

But I suppose I´m a private person.
Never told anyone we were TTC, just told them when we were pregnant-and waited until about 16wks to do that.

I think once you let any little thing slip, the constant questions start.

Congratulations Orangesarenottheonlyfruit.

I really don't mind people asking whether I plan to have any more. What I do mind is people asking 'when' the next one is coming or voicing their own opinions on the subject.

The only time I've actually told the truth in order to shock someone into silence was when this complete stranger asked when I was going to have the next one and, when I told him I was stopping at one, started lecturing me on how unfair that was for my ds...twit.

Before I had kids I certainly did think it was rude to ask someone if they wanted to have kids, as noone knows if someone REALLY maybe wanted them and couldn't have them.

Sorry but by that token isn't most idle chat potentially intrusive and/ or hurtful?

I think it's a sad day when we don't enquire after each other in case unbeknownst to us there is a reason why that thing you just said has a particular hurtful meaning to the listener.

Like I might say 'god, you know what mums are like!' to somebody and they might say 'actually my mum died last week' etc.

It IS interesting to those of us who love babies and children and being parents, but also not our business so we have to bite our tongues!

My BIL and SIL are late-thirties, been married about 15 years and have no kids. The whole family is desperate to know why they haven't had any but no one asks them. But when they are not there it's often the chosen topic of conversation in the extended family!

The best solution is to immediatly start crying. They wont ask again. Or, you could look suprised and say you hadnt thought of having another, what a good idea, how lucky they mentioned it or you wouldnt of thought...

Crikey, I NEVER ask anyone if they planned to have kids or if they plan on another one ... It is not remotely the same kind of question as Where are you going on your holidays?

Questions about children or lack of them can pierce people to the core of their being, as the OP's post shows. Even if you are just making idle chit chat you may be touching on someone's concerns about why her boyfriend won't commit, fertility issues, unresolved issues with her own mother, arguments with her partner about money ... I could go on.

At best it's just a bloody annoying question as it infers there's something wrong with their current set up.

Best not to go there.

i get the opposite, that is i have the magic girl- boy combo and everyone assumes that's me done.

which isn't that annoying, because i quite enjoy making it clear that i intend to populate the Earth with my spawn.

exactly jujumaman, asking about fertility and asking about someone's holiday as idle chit chat is completely two different types of chat. one is lighthearted and the other can definately not be for some people. It's all about being tactful I suppose, some of us can be, others just don't know any better when something's appropriate and when it's not...

I always feel that asking people about having more babies is a bit too personal, kind of like asking about someone's sex life iykwim. Chances are you will say the wrong thing, so why comment at all?

I am an only child and while I do sometimes wish I had siblings, there are definite perks to being an only child. Also, observing friends' relationships with siblings has shown me that people don't always like/get on with siblings anyway.. It is better to have a happy mummy but no siblings than a stressed tired ill mum and a baby brother/sister.