This is a long 'un so please accept my apologies and bear with me.
DD is 14. She attends the local secondary with a girl who is a family friend - the two kids "were" pals and Mum and I are friends. The family have recently moved to our town and DDs pal (I'll call her Jane), started the school in good spirits about 5 months ago. Between then and the beginning of the summer hol we spent much free time with the family and Jane and DD got on fine and Jane was happy. However, after a few weeks at school, Jane started becoming anxious, and didn't want to go to school, claiming she felt sick each morning but would give no reason why, despite many queries by Mum and others. For this reason DD was often called in the morning by Jane or Mum and asked to go to their house to encourage/walk in with Jane, and DD duly obliged. On one of these occasions, I was told this evening, DD walked into Janes room to find her putting her fingers down her throat in an attempt to make herself ill.
After some girly-nastiness (read the rude "b" word!) between DD, Jane and others just before the end of term I decided to rein DD in and kept her and Jane apart - besides, Jane went to Nans for most of the hols. Upon Jane's return Mum told me that she was even more anxious about school than ever.
Jane stayed off of school on the first day back and Mum called me over to her house for a Mum-to-Mum chat. It transpired that Jane had finally told Mum what the problem was - that DD had made mention to other classmates of her fear that Mum was being hurt by her new partner. Apparently Jane was very upset by classroom rumour, hence the problem. Naturally I apologised and did my best to reassure Mum that I would do all I could. Mum said that a meeting was to be held this week between the head of year, Jane and DD regarding this. We agreed not to tell DD in advance.
The meeting was held and DD came home furious. She said that she had been accused of being the root of Jane's anxiety because of another comment - a childish, insensitive but typical kids joke about swine flu. No mention had been made of her speaking to others of any fears that Mum might be a victim of DV.
In fact, what had happened when this fear was raised, was that Jane had seen bruises on her Mums back whilst we were all playing silly beggars on the local rec, and had asked DD to find out why they were there. DD had asked what Mum had done and been told it was nothing, which DD reported back to Jane. Being concerned, DD had told me of the circumstances - I had reassured her that Mum had displayed no sign of DV to me, had said nothing to me, a trusted pal, and that the new boyfriend, who has since moved in with them, seemed perfectly ok so I didn't think there was any cause for concern and that we women can bruise easily in... ahem... more passionate encounters, which was probably why Mum brushed it off. However it seems possible that another child overheard DD and Jane discussing this in the playgorund, hence the rumours and possibly hence Jane's anxiety.
BUT... and this is the hard part... I get the feeling that DD could well have been the trigger for Jane's school aversion but she is not the cause. The family is one which has experienced many changes over the 7 years we have known them - not only the move but at least 7 boyfriends to Mum, some short-term, one living with them for well over a year, little brother moving permanently to Nan's this year because of his SEN issues, the new partner moving in (met off the net, invited to stay a couple of months later while the kids were in the house), the previous boyfriend having been violent to Mum (which Jane knows of and clearly still fears he will return), Mum suffering physical health and depression problems....
PLEASE don't get me wrong - I am NOT making a moral judgement, just trying to explain the facts and my reasons for being concerned. I will say though that I admit to being on my moral high horse that friends of and various past partners to Mum smoke dope openly in front of the kids and it is regarded as no big deal... and of course sometimes when this happens the kids see those people at less than their best (my kids would be scared tbh), and sometimes Mums kids see these folks unhappy/a little too frank about their problems and tragedies in front of Jane, an impressionable 14 year old.
DD is cross because when Jane saw her followed by a teacher as DD came down the corridor prior to the meeting this week, Jane started crying. However, whe out of sight of the teachers Jane is far more assertive, with comments such as "All my family hate DD" etc. DD is also mindful of the fact that it was she who was implored by both Jane and Mum to walk Jane to school when Jane was unwilling to attend and of how well they got on out of school up until the end of term. DD has now been told that she will "be punished" if Jane reports to staff any more problems with DD, which Jane did today, although when DD asked what she was alleged to have done the teacher told her that it was not up for discussion.
I have booked an appointment to meet that teacher next week. My intention and desire is not to "clear my daughter's name" as I have no doubt that she could have been a trigger to cause Jane's anxiety, teenaged girls being the "female dog" types they can be and DD being no better than most for this, but to explain to the teacher my concerns and that I think that there may be underlying reasons for Jane's anxiety. As good friends that we are I don't feel I can approach Mum on this - she will be deeply hurt and offended and feel that I am merely defending DD and criticising her and I know that she will fret and worry which will only make her own fragile health worse although my concern is for Jane who is a nice kid and one with some genuine problems.
However I feel very uncomfortable about speaking to the teacher and fear that I will be viewed as just out to defend DD, a troublemaker and that I will make matters worse for everyone concerned. How on earth do I put over that I am concerned for the family, that I feel that Jane has inadvertantly been made to feel insecure by the lifestyle choices of a Mum who loves her dearly and is a kind and good soul? Or do i just cancel the appointment and keep my mouth shut?