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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want DH to beg forgiveness, just so I can say it's really not your fault

23 replies

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 13:07

Bit of a ramble, but feel really confused.

DH's business has finally gone belly up. After five years, loss of a good job, £50,000, a house move to free up more money, etc etc. He, we, have finally had to admit it's just not going to work.

I was involved in all the decisions, but even though I had grave misgivings, I couldn't be the one who vetoed his dream. And this definitely was his dream both in terms of the business and his grand ideas of the lifestyle it would bring.

Now I do want to be supportive and help him through the huge disappointment of it all collapsing round his ears, but I'm finding it so difficult because he will not accept any responsibility for what we do now, or what we as a family have been through to get here.

I feel like a bitch, as I presume he must be suffering, but all he shows is a kind of shrug-shouldered resignation as if he's just lost a £5 bet.

I don't want to put it all on him at all - but would I be unreasonable to scream next time he matter-of-factly states that I'll have to up my hours and spend less on groceries, but that he probably won't be able to get a job until after Xmas?

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 08/09/2009 13:10

He will be suffering. So I don't think it would be fair to load the blame on him. But nothing wrong with expressing your frustration or pointing out that you are already doing enough to rectify the situation.

Why won't he be able to get a job till after Christmas?

Iklboo · 08/09/2009 13:14

He's probably dying inside - you know what men are like for keeping everything bottled up.
Get him to register with some kind of temp agency to take anything while he's looking for another job. It's coming up to Xmas so there may be temp shop work - anything to get some money coming in

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 13:22

I'm not sure about the Christmas thing OrmIrian. I suspect because he still thinks he has the right can only look for jobs in the industry he's always worked in and it's still full of the thousands made redundant earlier this year.

And I really don't want to dump blame on him, and haven't done - yet. I want him to admit to some sense of guilt, or whatever, so that I can so 'don't be silly, we'll manage' etc.

As he doesn't seem to able to say sorry at any level, I'm at a loss as to how to be supportive. I just feel taken for granted if I have to take up all the slack, while he wallows a bit, but I do recognise that he probably needs to wallow

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Sassybeast · 08/09/2009 13:26

I think it's ok to let him wallow for a bit - but there needs to be a time limit on the wallowing and not looking for a job until after Christmas is not on. I so understand your feelings - I fortunately DID veto DHs grand plans and boy am I glad as no doubt we would be in the s*. He still won't acknowledge that I was right though - men and pride

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/09/2009 13:31

YANBU
you don't want to rub his face in it, you just want him to acknowledge that it's a fuck up and he's mainly partially responsible. Once he's done that you can move on and support him, but until then you are feeling resentful. All fair dos. He is probably feeling it inside, but a bit of showing it wouldn't go amiss. I would end up screaming after not very long

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 13:42

Phew, thanks all.

It's one of the great things about MN - it validates your feelings, when your nearest and dearest won't can't.

But how can I get him to acknowledge his role, without sounding like I am blaming him totally? That would be just be counter-productive, but possibly not as damaging as seething resentment

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curiositykilled · 08/09/2009 13:52

I think YABU, a bit anyway.

I see it as my responsibility as a wife to express my 'misgivings' about DH's plans and to try and work together to get something good out of the idea if I think things aren't going to work. I want my DH to do this for me too. It's one of the fantastic things about being married, that we can work in a partnership to improve things for each other and offer different perspectives on things.

What you are describing makes it sound as if you are not taking any responsibility for what has happened but are expecting him to.

I'm sure you both feel bad but it sounds as if you have made joint decisions about this business, it's not really his fault if you were holding back because you didn't want to stamp on his dream.

I genuinely hope you work it out but try to focus on the future rather than getting him to acknowledge his responsibility for the failures of the past.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/09/2009 14:01

I think you are being unreasonable.

You were involved in all the decisions and even with misgivings you made them and supported the business. The moment you both as a couple decided something is the moment you decide to live with the consequences.

And though the consequences are not good there's no point in being annoyed with each other as you made them together.

You did a good thing supporting your family

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 14:06

Oh, I did express my misgivings, many times, but it always ended up as 'back me or leave me'. And I always chose to stay.

I think, I hope, I do take responsibility. And I do want to look forward, but, petty as it might sound, I'm not sure I can atm. Because all I keep hearing is well 'you could do more hours' or the 'kids could give up dancing/football', or 'you could spend less on food' while eating the best part of a loaf.
And 'lets hope I can get a job before Christmas'.

No sense of urgency or contrition at all.

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Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 14:18

X-post Laurie, sorry

But that's another underlying resentment (I'm a live volcano under my calm exterior} The business went dormant, with a couple of very persistent creditors, for about 9 months last year. He, I think, although he refused to see a GP, slipped into quite a deep depression and left me to deal with everything, refused to talk to people on the phone, open letters etc.

So while trying to settle the kids into a completely new area, work longer hours etc I was also trying to sort out the debts, but of course no one would talk to me, cos my name wasn't on anything. Even I had to stop answering the phone in the end.

But apparently, he has told me since, through all that I was 'unsupportive' because I lost my temper a couple of times, and 'what did I expect he was depressed'

Probably I lot of my anger now is based on a real fear that all that could come again, but I'm not sure I want to cope again

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curiositykilled · 08/09/2009 14:19

It sounds like you have massive relationship issues. If DH had said to me 'back me or leave me', if I didn't leave I would definitely know that he had very little respect for me and the family. Men who respect their wives do not say (and mean) 'back me or leave me'. Anyway, it sounds like the business folding is not the real issue. He sounds like a bully.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/09/2009 14:27

I retract what I said, your last two posts with that 'back me or leave me' stuff is terrible, you have every right to be mad.

Does the relationship have anything going for it? Cos it sounds like you do all the work.

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 14:29

I'm not sure Curiosity, I've never thought of him as a bully, just thought he was so caught up in his dream any lack of enthusiasm on my part was like a slap in the face and he reacted as such.

But you're probably right about the business not really being the central issue. Just not don't know what is anymore

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stillstanding · 08/09/2009 14:34

What an awful situation, itsbeingcheerful - sounds like you are being very restrained in the circumstances.

When I saw the thread title I thought it was a little odd and expected to be saying YABU but in actual fact I am not sure that you want him to say sorry (which I think would be being unreasonable) but more that you need him to take responsibility for his role in your current predicament and to start being actively part of the solution.

I would suggest that you sit down together and come up with a proper plan about how each of you is going to pull your weight. His current proposals are all about the rest of the family making sacrifices but perhaps when you sit down with a piece of paper to work out The Plan he will be able to see where "the gap" is ... All this has to be done in a constructive and positive way obviously as I suspect that he is feeling very bruised but that doesn't mean it isn't time to buckle up...

Am not sure I would be handling this as well as you are - well done, you!

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 14:36

I really do hope the relationship has something going for it - I have after all invested more than 20 years in it - but it hasn't been rosy for a while. I have been able to blame the financial stuff though and think all will be well eventually. But how long do you wait for eventually?

Part of me thinks that if we were truly happy the lack of money etc would be something we would face together, a team, all-for-one etc.

But then the strictly rational side thinks that's all romantic nonsense and of course it's difficult and we're snappy and uncommunicative, but underneath it all...

But this is now turning into something I wasn't intending. I'm not sure I'm ready to face such thoughts yet. Got to stay practical!

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Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 14:44

Thanks stillstanding, I have tried to talk, but probably a bit too soon after the final nail. Then it was all big gesture stuff, 'we'll sell the car, the house, the kids', before even thinking about getting a job - pah

Will try again soon.

I could probably be putting the 90mins spent on here to better use as well! But haven't really got anyone else in rl who I'd want to bore with this lot. At least MNers can chose to ignore without having to tell me to my face to shut up!

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mayorquimby · 08/09/2009 15:52

yabu wtf do you want him to beg for forgiveness for? what will it prove or help. just so you can have the power and control of saying "it's not your fault" and doling out the forgiveness?

OrmIrian · 08/09/2009 16:43

"Part of me thinks that if we were truly happy the lack of money etc would be something we would face together, a team, all-for-one etc. "

Nope. IME that is so much crap. Sorry. The best relationships struggle under serious stress. And money worries are one of the worst. Not to mention the loss of his 'dream' and depression. Love can conquer all but it does that better on a good night's sleep and a comfortable bank account . But that doesn't mean it's the end. It just takes work and patience and a lot of tolerance (on both sides). And your relationship will change - whether for the better or worse is hard to say - but it will change.

OrmIrian · 08/09/2009 16:46

BTW DH and I have weathered a met office filing cabinet-full of storms and we are still together. Still strong. Not in love but loving enough. It sometimes feels like our relationship feels like an old bit of furniture - battered and not beautiful but still strong enough to do the job

stillstanding · 08/09/2009 16:49

I like battered old furniture, OrmIrian - and suspect that your relationship is beautiful in its own way

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 08/09/2009 16:55

Have you posted this before? I sounds very familiar.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 08/09/2009 17:03

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 08/09/2009 20:07

Sorry to have disappeared - parental duties at a footy match.

FBG I haven't posted on this before, other stuff but not this.

MayorQuimby: I don't him to beg forgiveness really, just to give an inkling that he recognises and articulates his partial responsibility. His not doing so makes me feel like I'm just supposed to pick up the pieces behind him as if that's just my job, iyswim.

OrmIran, I know you're right. Just hope all this will add a lovely patina to my relationship too!

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