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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have finally had enough of being a SAHM after 6 years....

34 replies

kiera · 07/09/2009 14:20

...ds2 is now almost 3 but I've got 2 more years till he starts school as he is a September baby. I used to enjoy being a SAHM, loved the freedom, time with my babies, being my own boss (lol), even got into baking. 6 years on and I can't remember the last time I baked a cake, cooking dinners is a chore, only do housework where essential, I am bored out of my head, terribly lonely, and have spent the last two days crying. All I want to do is surf the internet for holidays and ebay for kids clothes while ds2 sits in front of the telly and I know its wrong. I really have tied over the past 6 years to attend baby classes, playgroups etc, but just got fed up of trying to enter the cliques and make conversation with people. I did manage to make some friends when ds1 was a preschooler but lost these when our kids started school (separate schools). Ds2 has no friends and neither do I, we just wait for ds1 to come home every day.

Last month we were due to go overseas for a year with dh's job so I cancelled ds2's pre-school place and we spent months preparing. Then it all fell through literally a few weeks before we were due to fly. I enjoyed the summer, we had two family holidays to make up for the disappointment and I took the children out and about a lot. But now ds1 is back at school I seem to have hit rock bottom. Ds2 has lost his place at pre-school and everywhere here is full up, I can't get him in anywhere. Just trying to psych myself up to face the playgroups again (yawn yawn).

God I needed a vent, thank you for listening...

OP posts:
Prunerz · 07/09/2009 14:22

I can totally sympathise with the boredom aspect of it.
Is there any - ANY - way at all you can get a job? I just got a little job and it has done me the power of good. 2 short days a week.

TheProfiteroleThief · 07/09/2009 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brimfull · 07/09/2009 14:30

God I knwo-it is dull dull dull after you've done it a few yrs.

Could you join a gym with a creche or childrens activities?

Gin?

Start a business from home -crafty or summat?

Do an OU course?

CurlyQueen · 07/09/2009 14:32

at gin.

MN is a good start for alleviating boredom.

PrettyCandles · 07/09/2009 14:40

YANBU YANBU YANBU

Being a SAHM can be deeply frustrating. It made a world of difference to me when my elder dc started school, as I started to make some friends in the playground. But even so, I can totally understand how your days are and how it feels. I feel the same way.

Can you do some Adult Ed classes? When my ds1 and dd were little I did a couple of 2h classes twice a week, and there was a creche at the school. Bloody lifesavers! And huge fun for me, as I studied what would please me. Over about 3y I did pottery, portrait-painting, painting, mosaics and sewing.

Unfortunately there is nothing similar near where we now live.

Evening classes? Something to look forward to, which gives you the impetus to get things done during the day. I go to a monthly reading group, and the day of the meeting is nearly always a good and efficient day .

Pitchounette · 07/09/2009 15:11

Message withdrawn

GoldenSnitch · 07/09/2009 15:57

My friend lives in Loughborough (which is near you I think) and used to teach some Adult Ed classes...Burleigh College I think it is that does them...

BerylCole · 07/09/2009 16:12

Totally relate. I loved being a SAHM with my first child, but had a watershed moment after the birth of opur second. I was sitting in the park watching my older child going on the slides and swing etc on a bleak winter's morning (wearing slobbish clothes and a scraggy ponytail again; desperately trying to think of what to cook for dinner and how exactly I was going to entertain my 3 yr old for another 8 hours before bedtime; feeling invisible and generally bored with my life...) and I suddenly thought 'I can't go through this all again'.

I applied for a Masters and a job the following week .

brimfull · 07/09/2009 16:28

kiera-have you gone and found somehting to do??

Original poster
kiera · 07/09/2009 19:22

Thanks for all your responses. I rang the Samaritans and had a good cry.

Spoke to dh this evening about getting back into work part-time, but as we still may be going overseas in January I can't get into any long-term commitments. He suggests doing an adult ed course too. I did want to do a course related to a possible future career but as it is a year-long commitment (£300 odd for the year) again there is no point.

I am already signed up for an evening class in German although that does not start till week after next (bit late for autumn term start?!?). By chance one of the preschools I was chasing rang this afternoon and they have a place on Wednesday mornings fo ds2. Not in home-town so he won't be mixing with future schoolfriends and its a 15 minute drive but its better than nothing. So have been looking at Weds morning courses round here!

Gym with a creche - yes the local leisure centre does have a creche although both dss have always hated going there so I never tried it for long. I was going to give it a go again this week and do some aqua aerobics but period has arrived so going to be next week now. If ds still hates it after a few weeks there is another leicure cebtre 1 15 min drive away that I could try - they always settled better in that one on the rare occasion I went - although the pool is not as nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
kiera · 07/09/2009 19:23

leisure centre!

OP posts:
GirlsAreLOud · 07/09/2009 19:31

Aw Kiera, so sorry you're feeling so down.

I actually came onto thank you for starting this thread as I've just gone back to work three days a week and am suffering from THE GUILT and also really badly suffering from no longer being my own boss.

I guess the grass is always greener...

(((hugs to you))

HerHonesty · 07/09/2009 20:16

yanbu. i am a working mum and would and did find being a SAHM mind numbing. i once commented this to a friends husband and he said but yes you can read books when they have gone to bed and i almost decked him. its not the break from the kids that you need, its the time to be you and do something adult and not think about meals and hairclips...

have you looked into the open unversity as a stop gap?

bubble1 · 07/09/2009 21:23

so totally agree and sympathise. My eldest at school but two youngest still at home all day What can I say that hasnt already been said ? Its completely crap...boring drudgery all day aevery day. You are no longer you. Hubby buggers off to work every day (or golf) with a "have a nice day". If he says that once more on his way out the door I'm going to put a bomb under his van!!!!
No really though, you will survive this period in your life, but ONLY IF YOU HAVE A VERY UNDERSTANDING AND CARING PARTNER .(unfortunately I dont)

Jude68 · 07/09/2009 21:35

I am so relieved to see this post (although I'm sorry so many of us feel this way.
We cannot afford the childcare for me to work at the moment (kids are 2.5 and 1 yr) and many many days I could cry as my partner leaves for work.
I am constantly bored, lonely and fustrated with the "groundhog day" routine, the drugery of cleaning up all day, wiping faces and a&ses and of trying to occupy my kids.
It is so hard to be a happy, cheery mummy when you feel so depressed.
I love my kids to death but being a SAHM is so hard sometimes.
I have no words of wisdom but I do totally understand.

Ripeberry · 07/09/2009 21:41

Sorry you're having such a hard time. What about having a day doing volunteer work?
When my DD1 was 2yrs old I would send her to the Childminder for 6hrs once a week and do some garden work for the elderly.
It was just so that I could get out there and meet people but not be fully committed to a job.
I also managed to do some meals on wheels deliveries for a few months (one afternoon a week), until I became pregnant with DD2 and could not stand the smell of the food.

PeedOffWithNits · 07/09/2009 21:46

lots of good suggestions already, heres my only other idea

some places have an adopt a granny type of scheme whereby you could volunteer to visit lonely elderly people and take your LO along too, you get out and feel you are doing something worthwhile too

dogonpoints · 07/09/2009 21:51

start an evening class, be around new adults, have a laugh, learn something new. The little things can help.

Original poster
kiera · 07/09/2009 22:45

Thanks for the volunteer ideas, apart from the fact of having to finance childcare, from a purely selfish point of view I feel so burnt out from my kids I don't feel I have any more energy to give - but I do think the evening class route may be of help. My friend suggested the OU also - I'll look into it. Can't face anything too heavy right now though! Once the two of them are in bed (by 9 - my kids don't sleep much unfortunaely) I only have an hour or two to relax before I go to bed myself and I don't want to spend that studying...

OP posts:
UndomesticHousewife · 07/09/2009 23:19

I can totally sympathse with how you're feeling, I've been a SAHM for 9 years now!! Luckily my dp earns enough to keep us going although another income would come in handy, we can't afford childcare for me to go out to work but on the other hand I wouldn't want them in childcare - especially the little one he's only 2.5.

But I would love to be doing something that makes me feel like a person, someone who I know I can be someone other than a cleaner cook, childcarer.....

This is not how I thought my life would be all those years ago when i was at uni.
But at the same time I wouldn't change my life, I've been around for my children and I do the best for them and I love being there for my baby, but it's just so boring!!

But my time will come and in a few years when it gets easier I'll be albe to do more courses and finally get to do what I want to do.

flyingdolphin · 08/09/2009 09:43

I totally understand how you feel. I took maternity leave for my dd, but then became a SAHM when my ds was born prematurely 19 months later. The first few months were just a blur, and then I really enjoyed being a SAHM mum for about 2 years, made lots of friends with little kids, but after about 2 years my SAHM mums started to return to work and I started to feel very frustrated and hated it all and was desperate to get back to work. DS started nursery at 3 and 1 month and I immediately found a part-time job that was badly paid but still better than nothing, and I felt much much happier. This autumn I am changing to a much better full-time job.

I have no suggestions as you can't commit to a job if you could be going abroad, but your feelings seem totally normal to me. It will get easier as the children get older and need you less. Maybe the evening course thing is a good start. Where could you be relocated to? Maybe you could start thinking of something you could do there and do a course that would be useful?
Good luck

Original poster
kiera · 08/09/2009 22:31

Yes I could def do some kind of course over there I think (the States), hopefully career-related. Just got to get through this term!

OP posts:
jemart · 08/09/2009 22:44

yanbu - I'm fed up with it now but have agreed with DH to put up with it until our youngest starts school. I then plan to re-train, do some teaching perhaps.

MaggieVirgo · 08/09/2009 22:49

totally sympathise.... my eldest 7, youngest not starting school 'til next year. can't work as can't afford childcare, although, now, I don't know if i'd even find a job.

probably why i spend too much time on fora tbh

TheCrackFox · 08/09/2009 22:52

I could have written your post MaggieVirgo.

I have recently started volunteering with a local charity and I am really enjoying it.

Hopefully, next year there will be some jobs available.

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