AIBU - to give some snide comments back?

[sillysalley]

Yes, I probably am BU, but Im sure (I hope) you'll agree that I do need to say something to this (not so) DF.

Basically DF has 3 DD, I have 1 DS. Everytime I see her, she ridicules my parenting. She seems to think she is an expert in parenting as she has done it 3 times and she makes me feel like the worst parent in the world.

An example

We went out for a pub meal yesterday (me, DH and DS with her, her DP, and her 3 DD) afternoon and while we were there the comments we recieved were
DS was dressed too old for his age
I shouldnt put sliced orange and tomato in the same dish and expect him to eat it
DH was being too protective when he ran to DS when her DD picked him up and dropped him (he 13mo BTW)
That I should feed him 'properly' and stop with the silly organic crisps and give him some proper crisps
Laughed at when I couldnt put the highchair up properly
Told to stop helping DS to eat, otherwise he'll never learn
Laughed at because I didnt order him a pub meal and instead fed him before hand and gave him snacks from home instead
That DS is far behind regarding his eating habits
When me and DH left, we were so upset. The thing is, apart from this, we get on really well with DF and her partner - but critically telling us how to parent is really getting to us.

This is just an example, it happens everytime we see them. Each time I make it clear that I dont like it e.g. I go quiet, and say comments like 'Well I try my best and I do what I think is best, well he isnt doing bad from my parenting is he? etc etc

Well the message just doesnt seem to be sinking in so...

AIBU to make snide comments back about her far from perfect DD's? She obviously thinks its perfectly fine to do so about DS ... maybe she'll get the message then.

I wouldn't have her as a friend! However if you really want to continue the friendship I would just say 'we are all different' and change the subject. Do it every single time and never alter the sentence-she will get the message eventually.

Some great suggestions on here...

If you don't feel you can say anything to her face-to-face, write her a letter telling her how much you value her friendship, and explaining that these comments are unacceptable and are ruining it. Don't get too bogged down by how the comments make you feel, just let her know they must stop. Let her know that you will ask her advice when you need it, but until then she must back off.

If it were me, I would question her in a very loud voice so the entire pub could hear; but I have to say, my public humiliation techniques are not conducive to maintaining friendships, and it sounds as if you would like to keep her as a friend?

friends don't undermine and nit pick like this. but dont go to her level of sniping and retaliating. do tell her once and firmly, i dont care for your comments.if she keeps going firmly say i dont want to discuss that and if she continues you have to decide is it worth the hassle

in general deriding others is a ego defence mechanism to compensate for poor self esteem. she rips into you to deflect from her perceived inadequacies

I have a friend who says these kind of things....mostly it's in relationship to things like natural childbirth, breastfeeding, etc. I had a c-section, breastfed for 13 weeks, but had to go with bottle feeding after problems. Every time I see this friend she brings up the same kind of things and every time I grit my teeth and let my hackles rise and fall as they will.

It's just the way this friend is.

She's strong willed, opinionated and she believes that her way is the right way. I don't think she means to hurt anyone else when she does/says these things, it's just the way she thinks and acts.

She's my friend. I like her. She says dumb things sometimes. I don't say things back because I'm not opinionated and I don't feel the need to score points. And I probably say dumb things too at times.

You make your choices. If these comments are causing too much damage, either tell your friend they're upsetting you or limit the amount of time you spend with her.

Either way, you have control over how you react and what you do with regard to this. You know your parenting is good. Don't let her get you down.

I don't get the 'DS was dressed to old for his age' - did she actually say this?

If you had pulled her up on that comment the others may not have followed.

It sounds to me that you have made a story in your head that all her comments are feeding into. You think she thinks you have crap parenting skills. She may or may not. The chances are if she genuinely did she wouldn't say anything about it.

Sometimes it is just a turn of phrase to say 'you should/shouldn't do a,b,c', another way of putting it might be 'oh, I wouldn't normally do that'.

So unless you think that friends aren't allowed to comment on the way each other 'parents' I should just let go of the negativity and have a bit more confidence in the way that you do.

It´s a constant drip, drip of criticism, and if you don´t stop it it will continue, IMO.

That said, I don´t really understand why you fed your son first instead of letting him join in the meal-even if it was only giving him some of

YANBU to be upset by your friend's comments, but you don't strike me as the kind of person who would be comfortable being snide back. She, on the other hand, sounds as if she would have no problem jumping on you if you tried. That could be a horrible situation to get yourself into. IMO you would be best to just say, at her next comment, either that you are upset by it or to ask her just what she means by it. She probably doesn't know she's upsetting you. If she is a good friend she will try harder, if she does not then she's no loss and you should let the friendship wither.

Wihout knowing her, it´s hard to know if she´s insecure, jealous, or thinks she is merely expressing a "harmless" opinion.

DS was dressed too old for his age? What had you put him in? A pinstrip suit and a bowler hat?!?

I have deliberately distanced myself from "friends" like this in the past as it was just too stressful and upsetting. If you really value her friendship you need to say something, as others here have advised.

I would just say

'If you refrain from commenting on my parenting I'll refrain from commenting on yours. How's that for a plan?'

To be honest I would stop seeing her...she is being a bitch and making you feel crap...is it worth it, especially as you don't feel able to confront her about her horrid remarks.

I have 3 DC, and would never talk to someone like that who had 1 DC.

She wanted to have a son didn't she?! Those little biting remarks sound suspiciously like jealousy to me.

YANBU In my experience, DF may not be a DF for much longer if she carries on...

LOL at the remark "I don't understand why you were feeding him" on a thread about criticising someone else's parenting.

Perhaps because she was in a restaurant and couldn't be arsed with the mess of letting him feed himself? Or just because she wanted to?

My wonderful HV (yes there is one ) had a great answer for all those comments: "Thank you for your interest".

It really startles people. It's not rude, but in no uncertain terms it tells people that they have crossed the line from interest/ concern to criticism. I went through a phase of saying it to my mum and she shut up for at least 10 minutes, so it works.

Some friendships just don't work once the kids arrive.
She won't change.
Drop her.

Kick her in the fanny

HerBeatitude - just when I think I've got a handle on the acronyms - what's HV?

Hoover Vampire
Hairy Vagabond
Hilarious Vagina
Hopeless Visitor
Hot Vixen (my DH's suggestion)
Healthy Vegetarian
Hungry Vaterpillar (okay, so I'm getting desperate)

whispers

YANBU, not at all!

2 options, either stand up to her and tell her that you have not asked her to comment or critisize your every move, and really, there is no need for her to do so, it's just plain RUDE!

Or option 2, let her fade into dots... after all, I think rather than a DF, she ought to be an XF! Phase her out, drop her slowly.

You are not doing anything differently to how I was with my DS at 13months, and he eats very well, sits nicely when we are out and about. Sounds to me like she may be a little jealous of your little man... and that she may be a bit of a lazy mum; not bothering to run and pick dc up when they've fallen, feeding them full fat/salt crisps (FFS) and pub meals.... You hint that her DD are not very well behaved, if she isn't pulling her weight or setting boundaries, this could be the outcome.

Stand tall, hold your head up and believe that you are doing an excellent job. Whatever her problem is, is precisely that... HER problem! Leave her to it.

I'd say to her, "You often bring this or that up, does it really bother you that I do it this way and you've always done that?"

It should make her think, at least!

YANBU I agree with whoever said "Shut up with your criticisms and let me do it my way, 'cause we're heading for a big fall out if you carry on."

Brilliant.

Just tell her to worry about raising her children and leave you to raise your child.
I think she is very rude, and someone can have 10 children and be a rubbish mother, the more children you have does not make you a good parent