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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to be asked to look after Step-son??

50 replies

wantstosleepnow · 04/09/2009 13:18

Not sure if im being petty or not, so would appreciate honest answers!

My SS is 8, other DC's are 6,5 and 2.
SS stays over fri and sat every other wkend.

He has done for a couple of yrs now, before that he stayed with my DP's mum as that was the habit he had got into.

I have been with DP for 7 yrs so have known SS all of that time.

So about 2 yrs ago I started to insist SS stayed with us as he should be building a relationship with his half siblings and with his Dad and I thought it was a bit strange he didn't stay with us. Anyway after a while DP agreed and so now he does.

DP has recently taken on some more work which involves him working some wkends, its not regular and varies from week to week.

He never stops to consider if its his DS wkend to stay or not, and he has never turned down work for this reason.

He just assumes I will look after him, which I will...but i want to be asked first. When I say this he says 'fine, i'll ask my mum' but the problem with this is my other DC love going to their nan's and would be very upset if SS just went and he wouldn't ask his mum to have all the kids.

I just want him to take responsibility for his SS and stop assuming i'll just pick up what he cant do.

So....am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 14:20

I am not missing the point, I am disagreeing with you, not the same thing.
You may see it as doing him a favour, I see it as something quite different. Doesn't mean either of is in wrong, just a different perspective.
Mine may be very different to yours given that I have never been a step-parent, but I have been a step-child.

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:21

Stepmothers can do as much as they want for their stepchildren - including cleaning their rooms, washing their clothes, making their favourite meals, taking them shopping etc but it is very important that what they do is known to and agreed with (even tacitly) their DPs/DHs. And, crucially, acknowledged. Stepparenting is very hard - much harder than parenting.

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 14:21

jeez, the typos v tired!

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:22

Why do you not see it as doing him a favour?

Stepmothers do not have to do anything at all for their stepchildren you know! Unlike mothers and fathers, who have all sorts of legal and moral obligations.

GypsyMoth · 04/09/2009 14:24

maybe its a moral obligation then??

jeez...if ever this poor boy gets wind of this!!

anniemac · 04/09/2009 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:25

Why "poor boy"? The OP sounds like a very thoughtful stepmother. Why is she getting such a hard time? She seems so very responsible and caring - she'd just like a bit of recognition!

gagamama · 04/09/2009 14:25

Hmm, I have a very similar family situation to you, my DSD is 7 and my DCs are 4, 2 and 7 months. I've known DSD since she was a baby. My DP is self-employed and although we don't really have any 'official' arrangement on when DSD stays with us, it varies from as much as 50/50 to as little as every other weekend. It depends primarily on her, what's she's up to, and where she would prefer to be. Both are equally her home.

I do sympathise. Whilst I consider DSD every bit as much a part of our family as any of the other DCs, I would find it inconsiderate if DP decided to go away with work when he knew I had all 4 children. To me, the fact that DSD is my DPs daughter is irrelevant, it's simply the fact that she is an additional child. I would never turn her away though (as I'm sure you wouldn't with your DSS). YANBU.

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 14:33

I fundamentlaly disagree with you Bonsoir. If I marry a man with a child, to me that brings obligations, in a similar way to having my own child with him. Not the same, but still obligations no less. I would see it that I did have a responsibility to my husbands child, and that I did in fact have to do certain things. Maybe not legally, but certainly morally.

I am not saying you have to do anything, you clearly have a different perspective than I do, which is fine. For me, it would not be a favour to my DH to have his child in my home when I already had our own children there.

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:35

"For me, it would not be a favour to my DH to have his child in my home when I already had our own children there."

Again, you are missing the point. It is not a favour to have your stepchildren in your home, at times you have agreed mutually. It is a favour to have sole charge of your stepchildren.

edam · 04/09/2009 14:36

I think your point that dh should want to spend time with his son when he is around is entirely valid. It's not the same deal as with children who live with you all the time. And dh should also check the arrangements with you, it's just manners. Dh and I discuss who is doing what when and whether one of us can hold the fort re. ds, surely that's just what the adults in the family do?

Speaking as a former stepdaughter (my father and stepmother are divorced now) I'd have been really hurt if my Dad had gone off at weekends leaving me with stepmum, sister and half-sister. Not that I didn't adore my baby sioter, and my stepmother was fine(ish) but we only saw our Dad on those weekends, they were very precious to us. And if he'd buggered off, it would have been a big message about how little we mattered to him. (Which was already an issue - even when he was married to our mother, he was often away working or pursuing his hobby.)

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:40

You are making a very good point edam. The OP's DH needs to consult both his wife and his son about his proposed absences on the rare days that his son is in his home - as a courtesy to them both.

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 14:48

Bonsoir, it is exceedingly rude to keep insisting I am missing your point. I am not stupid, I get your point, I just don't agree with you. Do you not appreciate the difference?

You think it is a favour to have sole charge of your step children. I do not. Since there is no such thing as an objective fact in this matter, you have no right to tell me I am wrong or do not understand.

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:50

There is objective fact in this instance: it is called the law.

thumbwitch · 04/09/2009 14:50

tbf, pooexplosions, you do appear to be missing the point - you haven't been explicit enough in some of your posts. YOu have made your position clear enough in the last one though, as I'm sure Anna will agree - even though she has a different view.

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 14:53

The law makes no difference to people opinions on their own moral (not legal) obligations. The law does not state how people should feel about being asked to do things, or not. The law does not dictate MY OPINION on the feelings of step parents or children.

If you are guided only by the law on your attitude to your step children, I find that a) unlikely and b) bizarre. However that is entirely up to you.

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 14:55

And I should add, when I said ""For me, it would not be a favour to my DH to have his child in my home when I already had our own children there.", I thought it would be implied that I meant alone, without him there, ie sole charge, since that is what the topic is? If that was unclear, apologies.

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 14:56

The law does in fact dictate how people should feel about behaviour - since that is what it governs.

As the law stands, stepparents do not have the responsibilities, obligations or rights of parents. As such, they perform many favours (often very willingly) to their partner and stepchildren. They deserve recognition and acknowledgement for those favours - that is just common courtesy.

pooexplosions · 04/09/2009 15:07

IN YOUR OPINION. I give up, you must be one of those people who cannot appreciate that other people hae a different point of view.

The law does not dictate how people feel, it may regulate their behaviour but no legislation tells you how to emote! I find that to be one of the most bizarre statements i've seen on here, but again, you are entitled to your opinion. The law tells me I can't punch someone in the face for annoying me, doesn't tell me I can't think about it, or how I have to feel about it.

"As the law stands, stepparents do not have the responsibilities, obligations or rights of parents." Yep, thats fine. But since when can people not assume more than the minimum, go over and above the minimum governed by law? If I have no legal obligation to a step child, why does that mean I cannot feel a moral obligation to them? Can I not come to a mutually agreeable relationship suitable to all parties?

And there is the OP's problem. She is not mutually agreeing on rules of behaviour with her partner. So she needs to work it out with him. Your opinion, or mine, has no bearing on her situation, the only opinions that matter are hers and her families.

Acanthus · 04/09/2009 15:13

Anna - how can the law possibly dictate how people should feel? You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think that. Dictate how people should act, maybe, but not feel

BouncingTurtle · 04/09/2009 15:16

OP - as another Stepmum you are DBNU!

The son is coming to stay so that he can have some quality time with HIS FATHER. Who he doesn't get to see at other times. And the father then goes to work? Whether the OP wants to look after her DSS is irrelevant, the boy's father should be around to spend time with his son when he is staying at his house, not working!

My DSS comes up every fortnight for a weekend. Even I were to take him out for the most fantastic time ever and we had loads and loads fun, he would still be disappointed at not spending time with his dad, if DH was off working that weekend. Because that is the only time he gets with him!

Neverleapfrohoveraunicorn has hit the nail on the head.

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 15:19

The law governs what is generally recognised to be reasonable behaviour. Think about that: if the law is telling you what is reasonable, there are rational arguments behind it. Think about the rational arguments and you may well feel differently. We should not be governed by gut feeling, but by our reasoned feelings.

ruddynorah · 04/09/2009 15:19

the difference is rather like 'work to rule' which has all sorts of negative consequences.

i am surprised as the OP has known this child for so long and from such an early age that she sees him as anything other than part of the family.

i remember my own step mother having a dreadful conversation with me and my sister after we'd moved in with her and and our dad. she said we were a burden, that she was just being honest and did we want her to be nice or honest. i suggested she could attempt being both. she started labelling her 'own' food shortly after that..she 'worked to rule.' we moved out shortly after thank god.

BonsoirAnna · 04/09/2009 15:25

It's nothing like "work to rule". It's about establishing boundaries. Most stepmothers give a lot to their stepchildren and their partners in the way of childcare, household chores, upbringing etc and expect to do so. But there is a limit to what they can and should be expected to do; and they should not be expected to do for their stepchildren exactly what they do for their own children. That is overstepping the boundaries.

thumbwitch · 04/09/2009 15:28

hardly the same category though, is it Norah?
The OP has never complained about having the SS, far from it, she has facilitated it, but she is feeling a wee bit pissed off that having facilitated time for the SS and his Dad, his Dad is defaulting on the arrangement by not being there and leaving her to pick up the pieces (presumably of a disappointed SS, apart from anything else!), without so much as a "do you mind that I won't be around again this weekend"
He is lacking in manners towards his partner and thought for his son.

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