to feel so so so very sad for DH and that its all my fault

[tryingtobemarypoppins]

Your advice is really needed......I am feeling really really upset

DH and I have been together for 13 years, married for 3 years. His mum has always had a drink and anger problem since the death of my DH brother from a cot death. As DH and I were dating I often saw her aggression and violence towards my DH and his dad and me on one occassion, this was always hidden from the rest of the family. The rest of the family appaered very close, every christmas together, never did anyone go to their inlaws etc, headed up by DH nan. They are all heavy smokers but nobody was aware just how bad DH mums drinking was.

When we married we I surpose broke the tradition by spending half the time with my family too, it was hard work being around his mum and putting on an act everything was ok. Over the years we saw less and less of his mum as she worked unsociable hours and to be honest was hard work to be around. DH saw lots of his dad but if his mum found out she went mental so it was hard.

Then the time came for our first baby and I knew DH was very very worried about this and his mum. He called her and explained we were worried about her smoking and drinking and she needed to sort this out.......this was the first time DH or anyone had confronted her about this.

The day our son was born she arrived drunk and crying he was going to die, it was just terrible she finally left and I just cried all night, then days later we were left wondering why the rest of DH family hadn't visited..........she had told them she had been banned from seeing our baby!! This was not true at all.

All his family refused to believe our version of things, massive arguments followed and his nan died in this time. We are now 2 years on, most of his family have never seen our LO and live yards away.DH has tried and tried. He has worked hard to encourage his mum to visit and she says she will next week........I hate her but will do anything to make DH happy.

We are due to have our second baby soon, Christmas is coming and DH has never been so low.

This evening one cousin who had once or twice visited our son (under cover) popped up on facebook. I said she must pop round.......she replied only when YOU applogise to my family for banning x from seeing your baby!

I hate this evil situation where people seem to love making others so unhappy.

Thank god we have my family but DH is so sad.

What do I do......feeling so lost.....

The thing is, you're coming into this dysfunctional family situation as an outsider with a reasonably "normal" outlook. The problems will immediately jump out at you.

However for people who are inside this system and have been for most, if not all of their lives, it will look very different. For them their family is more-or-less "normal". Sure, they'll be aware at some level that your DH's mum has problems but they're probably seeing her as a victim of past circumstance who needs to be treated with kid gloves and so enable her to continue to drink and act out without comment. They're likely seeing her drinking as a consequence of her sad loss all those years ago and something that mustn't be talked about. It's a family blind-spot.

Anybody who (as they see it) comes in and, because they have a different outlook, disrupts the uneasy truces and shines light on some of the more egregious and significant issues, will be perceived as the cause of those problems rather than just the person who's bringing attention to problems that have been there for years. That's where you are right now. Again, the most simple and effective way for you to deal with this kind of issue is to realise that you can't fix it.

Your DH really would benefit from some counselling to help him to understand the dynamics of his family and how his mother's alcohol problems affect things.

Gosh, so sorry you are caught in the middle of this mess, especially when you are p/g.

Did you reply to the cousin who facebooked you? Because I would have sent a message back saying: 'Afraid you've got the wrong end of the stick, we did not ban X from seeing our baby and I have no idea why she told everyone we did. The day he was born she turned up drunk and claiming he was going to die. It was very upsetting but we have never banned her from seeing him at all.'

Doesn't deal with the wider issues, but I couldn't bear to let her go away with the impression that you did ban MIL - which is what she'll assume if you don't reply.