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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my friend?

22 replies

thesockmonsterofdoom · 02/09/2009 08:17

I have always looked after my friends dd in the holidays while she works. I have been a SAHM and it was a win win iyswim.
anyway this holiday I have had her one day a wekk, but nothing was organised in advance, she has texted me the day before and checked if it was still OK, I am guessing that she has had a conversation with me in her head or one that I dont remember at all.
I am now working 3 evenings in the week and all day on Sat and tbh I have been exhausted looking after my dc all day then going to work 4-9 in a new job that I am struggling to learn.
Last week again nothing hsad been arranged and I had made plans to meet up with anotherr friend, I got home from playgroup the day before and there was a message fro my friends dh asking if I was still OK to have their dd the next day.
I phoned him back and said that actually I had made plans and I didn't realise I was having her the next day. I have had triuble finding time to actually do anyhting or see friends with my dd's with working.
Anyway friends dh asked if I was ok for next week and I said yes.
Yesterday I had a really bad day at work and spent the lat hour being shouted at by a very angry customer (sorry tangent), left the office to a text from my friend saying not to worry about having her dd as her MIL would, BYE. The tone of the text was really angry withouot actually saying anything iyswim, now I am really upset about it and don't quite know how to respond.
I know I was probably being unreasonable not to cancel my plans last week but I have been so tired and fed up this holiday that I was really looking forward to a day with my friend.
So IABU, or was IBU? and how do I respond to friend as I really don't want to fall out she is a very good friend and her dd is dd1's best friend.

OP posts:

PrincessToadstool · 02/09/2009 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeypinkmonkey · 02/09/2009 08:25

TBH you can't get a 'tone' in a text message it always causes confusion, you have prob felt it was angry but she may have thought.. oh the sockmonster could do without looking after my dd so i'll arrange mil to do it.
Try not to stress about it, she prob not.

pjmama · 02/09/2009 08:31

Just ring your friend (don't text, actually have a conversation - less chance of ambiguity) and apologise for the confusion. Suggest that you have a chat at the beginning of the holidays in future to decide up front which days you're having her. Then everyone knows whats going on and nobody gets dropped in it at the last minute.

Overmydeadbody · 02/09/2009 08:35

How can you get a 'tone' with a text message?

You left work feeling really angry and upset, and then read that into the text when it wasn't intended in that way.

I'd say neither or you are being unreasonable.

msrisotto · 02/09/2009 08:35

You're situation has changed and you are now working. You should speak to her to tell her that in light of this you are likely to be too tired/busy etc to look after her child for her.

It was never going to last forever and she was lucky you were as generous as you were.

AlwaysSmiling · 02/09/2009 08:36

I think monkey is right but that it wouldnt hurt to send a "sorry for the confusion" text just to be certain and then try not to worry.

Original poster

thesockmonsterofdoom · 02/09/2009 08:39

there was definaltey a tone, the text actually said bye, no x now smily face, no friendly sign that friend normally texts.

OP posts:

beanieb · 02/09/2009 08:47

I think that's quite stroppy of her TBH. Seeing as she hadn't actually agreed anything with you at all it's wrong of her to get arsey the one time you have to let her down.

However I think a text back, along the lines of 'will you need me to have her the week after or will MIL be looking after her?' with a smiley face to show there's no snideness meant might be in order. If she doesn't respond positively then you'll know she's just being a cowbag.

GibbonInARibbon · 02/09/2009 08:47

I agree a text can have a tone, one you can recognise if you are very good friends with someone. As everyone else has said, phone her and say 'sorry for confusion' If you are good friends a chat about will clear the air I'm sure

BouncingTurtle · 02/09/2009 08:59

And tbh this is why I don't like text messages. She may not have been being sarky, she may have just been a bit rushed but you may be reading things that aren't there.

BUT I don't think YABU.

If, back when I was a WOHM, I had a friend like you, I would be bloody grateful to have someone who is saving me about £60 a day in childcare fees.

And I don't think it is at all unreasonable to expect to have this arrangement firmed up in advance.

Things have changed now because, as you say, you yourself are now a WOHM, even if it is part time. You are looking after your own dc all day then going to work 4-9, that adds up to a really long day, and it is tiring! So it is totally reasonable that you would make other plans on a day you may have your friend's dd, especially if she hadn't confirmed with you that you were having her.

I do think it may have been helpful when you made other plans for that day, you could have informed her there and then that you would not be able to have her dd that day so she could make other arrangements. But you are not obliged to have her dd!

AlwaysSmiling · 02/09/2009 09:26

I think it's funny talking about how tones are read wrong sometimes in texts (don't mean in this case) when we are writing on here which is just the same sometimes. Sorry I know that is totally besides the point just felt I had to say it hehe

troutpout · 02/09/2009 09:31

You both are being a little bit unreasonable.

GooseyLoosey · 02/09/2009 09:31

I would ring her and apologise for last week and explain how hard you are finding your new job and you are stressed by it and you are still happy to look after her dd but as you are now working, you will need to arrange it more in advance.

I would only add the last bit after I was sure the conversation was going well.

I realise that this puts you in the position of apologising for something that you probably don't need to, but in my experience you sometimes need to if you want to get a friendship back on track as your friend will no doubt think that she has nothing to apologise for either.

warthog · 02/09/2009 09:32

jeez i think it's unconscionable to expect childcare for your dc from a friend. the least she could have done was to phone you for a chat and find out whether it's ok to have her one day a week. a text the day before is just not on.

i think she owes you buckets and has no right to get arsey. of course you shouldn't change your plans.

i think you should give her a call and ask her if she was expecting you to look after her dd since there seems to be some confusion. although why you should have to do that is beyond me too!

MmeLindt · 02/09/2009 09:36

Ring her. Or even better go around and speak to her face to face.

Say that you are sorry that there has been some confusion about when you are looking after her DD. Explain that you are finding it hard going at the moment with your new job and that you would like to arrange things further in advance so that you both know how things stand.

No more texting. It is too easy to misunderstand a text.

BonsoirAnna · 02/09/2009 09:38

Both of you needed to sit down in advance of the holidays and discuss your timetables rather than just live day to day. You are both at fault for not having had an upfront organisation.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 02/09/2009 09:46

Text messages are POO INVHO. You need to either talk face to face or on the phone. No more ambiguity can result from that.

LuluMaman · 02/09/2009 09:49

she should have set out in advance the days she needed you to have her DD and you should have asked and then there would have been no confusion

also, in the light of your new job, she should have appreciated it would have an impact on you and you should have said

it is six of one and half a dozen of the other

ring her and talk about it

a good friend will appreciate all the help they have had and be grateful they have had free childcare up until now

sayithowitis · 02/09/2009 09:51

I think the friend is being VU. It is rude of her to just expect that you would be able to have her dd on the basis that she will just text you the day before. If she wants you to look after her, she should be making the effort to have a proper conversation with you about it, not relying on texts. After all, you are the one doing her a favour. I also think that once you started work, however many hours you do, she should have checked with you that you were still hapy to have the dd. It is hard enough to look after children for a few hours after a day at work. It is just as hard to go to work in the evening having had the children all day IMO. And I certainly do not think you were under any obligation to change your plans to see another friend last week, just because your working friend expects you to be at her beck and call.

I think a call from you just to check on arrangements for the remainder of the holidays would be in order, but I really don't see why you should apologise for not being available for one day when she hadn't advised you in advance, is necessary at all.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 02/09/2009 10:18

I do tink your friend is being unreasonable for expecting so much from you.

However, I also think that you could have instigated a conversation with her before now to discuss when you would have her daughter and to put the dates in your diaries.

Then none of this would have happened.

If you value her friendship. I guess I would go and see her. Apologise for the confusion and say 'we should have put the dates in the diary at the start of the holidays'. Then you don't have to take full responsibility and it gives her the chance to apologise too.

LongtimeinBrussels · 02/09/2009 10:45

IMO YANBU but I would definitely advise giving her a ring to sort things out.

I had a situation like this with the mother of my son's best friend. At that time we weren't personally friends but I offered to have her ds after school three sometimes four times a week until 7pm when the dad came to pick him up and then when his sister got older (and the grandparents found it too difficult) she came too. There is always homework every day in the Belgian system so I was pretty much running a homework school for everyone (my DCs included). This went on for years until my son got to 5th or 6th year primary (aged 10/11/12ish) and was starting to find the work a bit more difficult. I decided I needed to spend more individual time with him so asked if they could come just twice a week. I was astounded by the mum's reply. She mumbled something about not knowing what she was going to do with her children (there is a very good before and after school system set up here in Belgium) and that if they had to pay for them to stay at school (it's a forfeit for the month) then they might as well stay at school every day! She was not happy. I knew her DCs loved coming to our house so I said she could be the one to tell them that they wouldn't be coming anymore because I was still offering for them to come twice a week and thought it was unfair of her to punish them. It seemed to me to be a cutting off your nose to spite your face sort of reaction. In the end she agreed they could come twice a week. The next time I saw her she was very cool towards me but I just chatted as usual and she soon thawed out. Seven years on and we are now actually very good friends!

One thing I have found being a SAHM it that I am often asked by WOHMs to look after their DCs in the holidays. I often do it no problem but I don't like being taken for granted and I think that that is your real issue here.

Mybox · 02/09/2009 10:48

Why can't your friend look after your dd now you're working? It's what you're doing for her.

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