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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL arrrrggggggggggghhhhhh

46 replies

Trina29 · 28/08/2009 23:53

Am i being unfair in thinking that my SIL is milking her illnesses? Just over 2 yrs ago she had an ectopic pregnancy. She was advised not to get pregnant for at least 18mths-2yrs for her body to heal. She got pregnant within 3mths. She was in and out of hosp due to high BP and had a c-section. Then again she was advised not to get pregnant but within 4mths she was. She was again ill putting not only herself at risk but her baby and again had a c-section and blood transfusion. Then about 4 yrs ago she found a lump in her neck had it checked nothing found. Last mth had a biopsy and came back inconclusive then last wk had the lump removed now she thinks she has cancer. I feel awful but she has cried wolf one too many times for me.

OP posts:

tinkerbellesmuse · 29/08/2009 00:32

Famishedass - I was holding back

hobbgoblin · 29/08/2009 00:53

lol @tinker and famished

OP you are being very mean spirited and should you ever be having a hard time of it you would wish that people did not think badly of you or feel that you were a burden - ask any of us who have had shit to deal with.

Tryharder · 29/08/2009 07:08

Agree, YABU. It sounds like you are pissed off because your DH took her to hospital instead of presumably spending his time with you and your DC. It's his sister FGS and she may well have cancer - it sounds like he didn't have to take her but perhaps he wanted to in order to demonstrate how much she means to him in the event something bad happens to her... I

t sounds like you have control issues. Do you resent other members of your husband's family if they "impose" on your DH in any way?

monkeypinkmonkey · 29/08/2009 07:22

Have you ever thought maybe her DH isn't very sympathetic to the 'waiting' before getting pregnant? Maybe she didn't want to get pregnant so early?

BubbaAndBump · 29/08/2009 07:25

OMG I had a CSection and a blood transfusion too! Thank F* I had one with my first DD and the other with the second, otherwise I'd just have to keep schtum!

girlsyearapart · 29/08/2009 07:39

Yeah think YABU but can also see where you're coming from.
People just deal with things in different ways and obviously her way and your way are not the same.
I have had multiple sclerosis for nearly ten years and barely even think about it but lots of irritating well meaning people ask me 'How aaaaarrre you??' everytime they see me. Takes me a while to think what they are on about.
Some people deal with illness by focussing on it whereas others prefer not to and the first group tend not to understand the 2nd. My uncle thinks I'm in denial because I don't want to discuss my condition! When in fact it's cos there's about a trillion more interesting things to talk about..

forehead · 29/08/2009 07:40

Yabvu. In fact you are being cruel. You SIL should be posting about you and what a selfish person you are. Just be thankful that you are not in her situation.

LoveBeingAMummy · 29/08/2009 07:47

Would it make you feel better if it turned out that she did have cancer?

Have you ever been through a cancer scare?

It a horrible terrible time and she must be thinking about her poor children if she did have it.

btw uabvu

HecatesTwopenceworth · 29/08/2009 07:49

Agree. It sounds very unreasonable (unless this is one of those stealth ones where when we all disagree with you, you return and reveal that she's stolen from you, slept with your dad and told everyone you hit kittens with sticks.)

It sounds like she has been through a lot. She was advised to wait before getting pregnant - maybe it wasn't a planned pregnancy? Maybe she couldn't face / doesn't agree with abortion.

Or maybe her need for a child was more important than the risk.

either way, that's no reason to act like she deserved terrible pregnancies and births!

And fwiw - people tend to panic when they find lumps and have biopsies! There's nothing wrong with her for fearing cancer, many people would! It's quite normal.

And there's nothing wrong with her needing family support. It's lovely to have a family who cares about you.

Well, I mean you clearly don't care about her, but I hope the others do.

"Cried wolf" - do you mean she hasn't had a lump? hasn't had an ectopic pregnancy - aka lost her baby?! isn't in the middle of another investigation into a lump? hasn't had 2 bad birth experiences?

Have a bit of compassion, woman!

gingernutlover · 29/08/2009 07:56

erm sounds like she has had a rough time actually

i'm a great believer of until you walk a day in another persons shoes dont judge them

GoldenSnitch · 29/08/2009 08:33

YABU!

Firawla · 29/08/2009 11:18

Yabvu

ElieRM · 29/08/2009 13:49

YABU- fail to understand how you can clsim she is crying wolf when you yourself assert that everything that has happened to her is most definately not made up.

onestep · 29/08/2009 13:57

I'm bloody glad you're not my sil. if you'd ever had anything scary happen to you you'd have an ounce of empathy for the poor woman.

Fruitysunshine · 31/08/2009 20:12

Perhaps she went with her brother because she wanted to talk to somebody on the way - maybe so she did not feel so scared.

If all these illnesses have been real you really are being quite unsupportive. Yes, maybe you have done your bit up until now and you are getting tired of it, but so what? ONE DAY it could be you need that needs the support off your husband and family members for an extended period of time - let's all hope they are not of the same attitude you are.

Your husband took a day off work to drive HIS sister to the hospital - did it occur to you that maybe he is secretly worried about her? He obviously felt that driving her to the hospital was more important than a days holiday. If he did not want to drive her then he could have said no.

I think you need to be a bit more charitable and realise that not everybody is as strong as you think you are. Not everybody is able to do certain things without support.

Even if my husband's ExW asked him for a similar favour I would have no issue with it, I am secure enough with him not to feel threatened by it and at the end of the day she IS a human being - everybody needs support at some point or other for an indeterminable length of time.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2009 20:57

How horrible you are! She was told to wait 2 years to get pregnant and she didn't, well after losing a pregnancy i would not have been able to wait 2 years, i assume you have never lost a pregnancy? Her horrible pregnancies don't sound related to the ectopic anyway

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2009 21:00

Cont... Oops. Then she gets a lump and she is worried she has cancer and wants some company at the hospital instead of going alone and scared, and you are being a Bitch about it. You are being very unreasonable.

picmaestress · 31/08/2009 23:59

I think you would find 99% of people would have sympathy in this situation, and you're quite...rare.

Are you showing off, or are you really this unsympathetic in real life? Do you ever consider that other people make different decisions because their lives are...different?

Empathy and humility are useful qualities as you get older and life doesn't turn out quite how you'd hoped. Just a hint.

Oh, and watch out, I hear Karma's a bitch...

Tidey · 01/09/2009 00:06

As far as I'm aware the definition of 'crying wolf' isn't 'She's had all these things happen but none of them have killed her yet'.

You must know you're being unreasonable.

Scorpette · 01/09/2009 00:51

So did she get pregnant on her own? Was it an immaculate conception? If there's reason to get annoyed with anyone, it should be her husband, who should've made sure she shouldn't have got pg so quickly so soon after the Doctors advised her not to. For all you know, she wanted to wait but he pressurised her into it.

TBH, you sound jealous that your husband gave her a lift - but she is not just some other woman, she is her sister, his flesh and blood, who has had a horrendous time of it, medically and emotionally. If my DP didn't want to offer help to his siblings when they were in need, I'd be disgusted with him, not resentful that he is caring. To say that you'd not expect a lift of her husband is irrelevant - he is not your brother; your DH is hers. As for him being fed up of hearing about it, all siblings get fed up with their brothers and sisters; it's no reason to feel so nasty about her. I think a grown man can cope with his sister being a bit annoying, don't you?

'Milking her illnesses' is just an awful thing to say. I would hate to be in her shoes and frankly, I would feel like I deserved a bit of a moan. Yes, she might have become a bit self-obsessed about it all, but I think most people would become a bit self-preoccupied and worrisome if that many health problems had happened to them in a relatively short period of time! Have you ever stopped to consider that so many serious things have happened to her that she's developed anxiety problems (or even Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - it doesn't have to be massive things that trigger it). This would account for her talking about it a lot... although we only have your word that she is doing. IMHO, you sound like you're outraged that she has the cheek to get ill, like it's a personal offence to you. Are you sure you're not also jealous that she is getting more attention than you?

Instead of begrudging her a bit of consideration from her own brother and acting like she's enjoying the attention, you ought to thank your lucky stars you haven't had so many serious health concerns in your life. She could have died as a result of all her pgs and as a mother, she must be doubly terrified about the results of the lumpectomy.

Are you sure you and your family haven't just decided that she is 'trouble' or a problem-causer, because of her health? Poor woman.

Scorpette · 01/09/2009 00:53

She is HIS sister, I meant, sorry.

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