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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be the local drop in

46 replies

Kaza1 · 27/08/2009 12:06

Hi don't know if I'm BU don't think I am. Anway I've got three DDs 4.5 (jst started school), 3 and 10 months. My two older want to play outside round the back all the time which I'm all for as long as the weather is ok and they don't go out the gate (which they don't tend to do)

Anyway there's these two little girls 5 and 4 who keep coming round (which Im really don't mind) but there mothers never approach me to make sure this is ok and never return the favour. They are allowed to basically do want they want and it's a case of out of sight. The other night I went balistic because my 3 year old had done a pee on the grass round the back (I know minging) I obviusly brought her in and told her that it was totally unacceptable. I have since learned the reason she done it was becuase the 5year other girl done it and told her it was ok to do it.

I spoke to the OC the day after the incident and told her never to do it again and if she needed to go to the toilet then she could use ours. Do you know what she and the OC did they went and pee'd outside my gate I was livid and seriously rthought about banning them but feel this is a bit much as they're only young.

Last night my DDs had money out with them that I didn't know about and the two OC took it off them and went to the shops round the corner and bought sweets and proceeded to eat them and gave my DDs one each!!!! To say I'm angry is an understatement. I have spoken to them and told them they shouldn't have done that.

I reaaly am at a loss to what to do. I've thought about approaching their mothers but not sure how they'll react and don't want to cause a war!!

OP posts:

njmomof1 · 27/08/2009 15:02

Second the Social Services

10-10.30pm The mother is taking the piss!!!! Sorry for that but I'm mad now.

foxytocin · 27/08/2009 16:31

agree, call social services. if i were you I would be tempted to start a convo with that neighbour about your recent incidents and then say something like 'it is a wonder if SS is not aware of how these children are left unsupervised so much.' that way to plant the idea in the neighbour's mind if she hasn't thought of it yet. pricking the concience of the public is the only way these children will find protection. these are very vulnerable children.

a friend of mine was in a not so similar problem with a little girl near hers. This time someone actually opened the bolt on her back gate and put the child in. the child refused to tell my friend who had put her in the garden. She wasn't even home at the time and when she came home she could hear her rattling the back door handle. she was appalled at the thought that it could have been her dh to discover this girl in her back garden. Imagine how a man would explain what he was doing with a then 3yo in his home alone.

Later on, the mother became aggressive with my friend saying she was accusing her of not looking after her child (er, yes....)

AvadaKedavra · 27/08/2009 16:40

I used to be those children. Please consider giving SS/NSPCC a call just to chat about it. Please.

LuvLee · 27/08/2009 17:01

YANBU - Ban them.

Original poster

Kaza1 · 27/08/2009 17:47

Thanks for all your advice . It's really hard to know what to do I do feel really sorry for them

OP posts:

purpleduck · 27/08/2009 18:25

I am amazed and disappointed at all the people saying "bolt the gate"

These children are neglected already, and one, just one adult who vaguely gives a toss about them can make all the difference to their lives... shame!!!

There is a boy who lives by us who is left on his own all summer. He is 10, and was also left last summer.

Sometimes he is a pain, and when we've had too much, or he does something unacceptable, then I just tell him its time to go home. He has also learned that we have RULES. If he wants to stay, he has to abide by them. The motivation to behave is pretty high.Easy.
I always welcome him though - as it feels awful to be unwanted.

I want my children to know that ALL people matter.

I really can't believe some of these responses.

Original poster

Kaza1 · 27/08/2009 19:53

Purpleduck thanks for you reply and indeed thanks to everyone. I haven't and I'm not going to (unless things get really bad) not let them in I just can't do it to a 4 and 5 year old call me soft or daft but just can't do it.

I do always try and explain to them when they do things that they shouldn't that it was unacceptable and they shouldn't have done it but feel like it's not really my place.

I don't think they're neglected as such I just don't think they're mothers know what they're up to half the time (not even sure they know they're out). Thinking of it - probably is neglect.

OP posts:

pinkthechaffinch · 27/08/2009 22:31

Hi I agree with purpleduck.

This summer, 2 children (boy aged 14, girl aged 9 not related) with different degrees of autism have been coming round all hours to play with ds aged 7.

Their parents also seem very uninterested in them, boy smells a bit and, for a teenager, is very much on ds' wavelength-loves his lego
. The girl has bullied ds, before I cottoned on to what was going on. Nevertheless, DS is very fond of both of them.
Friends and family have said 'Ban Them!' but I've chosen to instigate much closer supervision, with clear ground rules and consequences and it seems to be working.

Just feel sorry for these kids, no-one else seems to give a shit about them.
Money's tight, so I offer squash but not food

tw1nkley · 27/08/2009 22:57

I would ring ss tbh. I had a similar situation a few years ago. eventually after feeding and looking after them for weeks, I said I wanted to see their mum, I went roud and knocked, but the kids dragged me in saying mums on the sofa, house was really terrible. Had a chat with the mum, she didn't care that they were at mine 24/7. Went to leave. Kids were eating frozen sprouts out of the bottom of the freezer draw. My screamed at them for stealing food. They ran from the house. She hadn't fed them for days.

There could be a bigger issue going on here. I think you should speak to someone. if not ss do you have wardens or anyone about?

tw1nkley · 27/08/2009 22:58

"My" should read MUM.

purpleduck · 27/08/2009 23:48

Kaza - even though it feels like its not your place, it is important to set boundaries - it makes life much easier for all visiting children really!

Also, if no-one else is teaching them how to behave in other people's houses, then you are doing them a huge service- they will be learning lessons they can take to other people's houses, and hopefully be more welcome in more places.

colditz · 28/08/2009 00:24

Discipline is not a punishment. It's a gift.

iamtrufflepig · 28/08/2009 00:44

I don't really see why people are saying that she should look after these children. Does that mean that their own mother gets to sit and do nothing whilst she parents them. I agree that it is a good idea to contact ss, but surely it isn't a situation that Kaza should be expected to put up with. They have stolen money from her dcs, you can't always turn the other cheek or else they will take more and more liberties.

colditz · 28/08/2009 00:47

They are 4 and 5, not 18 and 20. Of course they are taking liberties, that's what children who haven't been taught any better do.

They are small, vulnerable and seem really quite uncared for. SOMEONE has to care for them so the op should either call SS immediately or care for them until someone else does.

Wouldn't you want the same for your own children? For someone to care?

KiwiKat · 28/08/2009 01:07

Of course it's your place - these children are influencing your own children's behaviour, especially if they idolise the OC. I applaud your intention to welcome them into your home, but I would make it clear that when they're there, they behave in a certain way. If they enjoy being with you and your dc, they'll soon learn what they need to do or not so that continue to be welcome.

And call Social Services first thing in the morning. Their mothers need a wee clip around the ears, figuratively speaking, of course! I really hope to hear that these little ones are better looked after as a result.

iamtrufflepig · 28/08/2009 01:18

colditz I understand they aren't 18 and 20, but they will be one day, is Kaza still supposed to be teaching them right from wrong even then, if not, why not if it is fine for her to be doing so now. I agree that she should call ss. I work in a very deprived area and will say that if she continues to take care of the children she will be left with the burden of parenting two children who she neither wants or should have the responsibility of. The more that you do for some parents, the more that they will do nothing.

I actually wouldn't want somebody to do that for my dcs as I am had them and am willing to parent them myself.

foxytocin · 28/08/2009 08:26

as others has said it is benevolent of you to help these children out how you can but I think you need to consider that these children sound like they already have larger issues with you cannot address on your own no matter how benevolent you wish to be.

contacting ss is leaving a 'paper trail' for these children. if nothing is done now, at least when the next person contacts ss, the school may eventually, the police may eventually, the hospital may eventually, they can see that other concerns have been raised in the past and that it is an ongoing issue for the children. not something new. your call may be the one that get ss to pop round and do something effective.

OtterInaSkoda · 28/08/2009 10:25

PurpleDuck to be fair the bolt-the-gate contingent (of which I was one) didn't know when they were posted quite how uncared for these children are.

purpleduck · 28/08/2009 11:59

It is sad isn't it Otter?

I used to be a child who was a bit neglected, and I still feel alot of shame about being forced onto neighbours. I remember drawing a rude picture (it was a bird poo'ing or something) and the woman who's house I was at looked at me with such disapproval - it still feels awful when I think of it. But no-one had taught me any different. It would hae made such a difference to my life if someone - anyone would have taken an interest in me.

SO, a little effort from Kaza, may be a big, big benefit to those poor girls.

OtterInaSkoda · 28/08/2009 12:18

AvadaKedavra suggested calling the NSPCC. I think that's a top idea. I was going to suggest calling your local bobby (PCSO?) and asking them to wander around next time you see the oc out late. You'd know better than I though what the police are like around your way. I think the NSPCC is probably a better idea.

purpleduck I know what you mean about the shame. Your pooing bird story touched a bit of a nerve.

iamtrufflepig · 28/08/2009 16:43

The weather will be turning colder soon and it won't be just your garden they will be in, it will be your house as well. You need to think whether you want to do something about it before this happens, or at least think of some strategy to limit it.

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