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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this to my DH....

43 replies

MarriedtoanOsterich · 27/08/2009 02:55

I am away with family for the summer, and have name changed as my Mother started reading Mumsnet,

Little background...
DH had a great job, great salary which we massively overspent thinking it would last forever (very stupid). Now we are in a situation of taking our dcs away from their school, cancelling tennis lessons, basically cancelling everything that is not essential for living. My trip away has cost nothing and was supposed to give DH time to get some business (in sales) and room to do it (no other responsibilities for him to worry about. I have written to all the people we owe money to with minimum payment promises, and he keeps paying them their minimum payment not the one I have agreed after the CAB advised me.

So now I read our bank statement (couldn't get online) and thought I'd send him this.

Dear Mr Ostrich,

I've been looking closely at your spending and I am struggling to not go a little mad. Now I understand some of the $450 cash (no pound sign) may have been for food, but a little funny that you made 160 in two days and 130 in a couple cpt too.....

Other unnecessary spending includes credit cards and things we shouldn't be paying for, and sky is still too much. I think you need to reduce the package asap, get rid of movies or the whole thing.

If you had not been wasting money over the last 6 weeks we would have been $1017.60 better off. $230 were account charges.

So to be kind I had a look at how much you'd spent in shopping for food and petrol...... (this was to see whether the cash point withdrawals could have been for food).

On food (stores appearing on the statement) you've spent $335.06 and petrol $88.84

You have spent more than $50 a week on food, allowing for washing powder and dishwasher (which I hope you have not been using for just you) at least $45 a week.

And petrol, in a car you shouldn't really be using, over $10 a week.

So me coming to my parents, excluding bills, has still meant the running cost of our family (IE YOU) is nearly $1500, which is $260 a week......... for fuck's sake.

So when we tell the boys no more stage coach and we have no money for Mabel's birthday you will need to have a look in the mirror to find the person to blame, you will have to think that Domino's pizza and nights out were all at the expense of your children. You should be disgusted with yourself. When we have no money for poor baby X to have a wardrobe or any clothes, look again.

I am so upset that you still don't get the fact that beer in your belly literally means less food and clothing for the children. I think you have hurt them enough, time to start putting them first.

Your Wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarriedtoanOsterich · 28/08/2009 02:30

My older dss share a room and furniture, other is a girl. During my cash rich years I gave lots to charity (dss are 6&7) and then had a little girl, so nothing to pass on. Another stupid mistake.

OP posts:
tatt · 28/08/2009 08:12

She's a baby, she can wear boys baby clothes (boys used to wear dresses, it didn't affect them) or you can buy from charity shops. It doesn't stop her sharing a wardrobe. You need to focus on what is really important.

Original poster
MarriedtoanOsterich · 28/08/2009 12:28

charity shops....never, never, never.
The baby is a boy! My dh managed to waste over $1000 in 6 weeks, I am sure I can manage new clothes.

OP posts:
PictureInTheAttic · 28/08/2009 12:34

Haven't read the whole thread, sorry, but gosh that's a bit harsh! Children can put on shows in the living room at very little cost and still have fun you know! With your husband, well, you might catch more flies with honey than vinegar if you know what I mean? Good luck!

iamunreasonable · 28/08/2009 12:51

Nowt wrong with charity shops

diddl · 28/08/2009 12:57

OMG!
How can you scoff at charity shops!
And you think because hubby spent xx amount, so should you!
No wonder you´re in debt!

Stayingsunnygirl · 28/08/2009 13:04

A couple of suggestions - could you and your dh both sit down independently and draw up a budget for the family - factoring in the minimum payments that need to be made, money for food/bills/petrol etc, money towards clothes and possibly family fun, if there's some headroom in the budget. This will enable you both to have somewhere positive to start the discussions - rather than raking over the past, you need to start afresh and make a robust plan that will work for you both. You might well end up with a budget that's a compromise between your two budgets - for example he might be more clued up on the car costs whereas you will know how much you need to do the shopping - not being sexist, just saying that you will both have different areas of expertise.

It is worth trying to build in a bit of money for fun/allowances if you can manage it.

If you don't want to go to charity shops for baby clothes (and they honestly are worth a look - you can find some great bargains for the baby and for you too), then go to your local NCT nearly new sale - I used to clothe the dses from them when they were babies, and bought some beautiful stuff. Whether you get baby clothes in a charity shop or a nearly new sale, they are often in very good condition, in my experience, because babies grow out of things before they have too much chance to ruin them.

Ebay is also worth a look - people put job lots of clothes on there.

PDR · 28/08/2009 13:21

We are quite well off but I still buy things for my son on ebay as they are only in them for 5 minutes!

Also Primark has really good vests and sleepsuits which wash really well in my experience.

You could probably kit her out for a good few months on under £30... which if I am not wrong is less than 1 month's Sky with movies & sport?

Agree that your husband is quite out of order though and needs to grow up.

PDR · 28/08/2009 13:22

Sorry I see he is a boy! Kit HIM out!

Original poster
MarriedtoanOsterich · 28/08/2009 15:05

I didn't mean that I should go and blow lots of cash, I mean if it's there to waste it's there to be more careful with!!
I do feel a bit ewww about charity shops and my children, it's an inherent thing. I would rather go without everything myself than see them in second hand clothes. Besides clothes are so cheap that if my DH just dropped Sky and beer I think that would be a reasonable amount to spend on a limited wardrobe for the dcs and I could wash more. My dd needs next to nothing for the winter, dss are in unifrom all week and so it's just the baby.... and how much do they need?

OP posts:
AnAuntieNotAMum · 28/08/2009 15:07

Once you go onto token payments rather than minimum payments, your credit rating is trashed. Is this what your DH is scared of perhaps? Is the thought of having no more access to credit, car finance, remortgage etc. too daunting for him at that moment?

You say that you have spoken to the CAB. Have you spoken to anyone together so that it feels more like you are facing this together?

As for his spending. You seem to feel that it is because he doesn't care enough for you and the children. Maybe that's true, but maybe it's not the case at all, maybe he is feeling immense pressure, trying to hold on to any job to support you all. Are pizzas and beers a way of him destressing and holding on to a little bit of normality? Not writing letters etc. is a lot more than laziness surely? These things make him face facts and perhaps he has, for too long, been judging his own worth by what he earns?

tatt · 29/08/2009 08:40

if you are trying to clear debts then you both need to change your attitudes. There is not money to waste and you can't complain about your DH having pizza and beer then buy expensive clothes for a baby who doesn't know what he is wearing. If you are not prepared to make sacrifices how can you complain when your husband won't? He probably feels he's earned a pizza after a hard days work, while you are off enjoying yourself.

You took clothes to charity shops, why should you mind buying from people like you? Just wash them again.

diddl · 29/08/2009 08:59

You would rather go without than see your children in second hand clothes.
And clothes are so cheap...
First, you should in any event be going without when you aretrying to clear debts.
And if you could please tell me wherclothes are "so cheap", as I would love to start shopping there!

mathanxiety · 29/08/2009 09:02

Sounds like you need to take charge of the finances. He seems depressed and therefore not the person to have access to the chequebook.

Original poster
MarriedtoanOsterich · 29/08/2009 13:56

An Aunty, I hope you're right and he's in denial and has self esteem issues rather than a selfish immature idiot!!

tatt, I'm sure you mean well but I am not looking for expensive clothes, just not charity shop.... I have ebay if I want nice second hand stuff anyway.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 29/08/2009 13:59

I'm really shocked at the 'eeeww, charity shops' thing, tbh

diddl - you can get really cheap baby & childrens clothes at George or Primark - sometimes cheaper than some charity shops, so I can sort of see where the OP is going with that part.

bronze · 29/08/2009 14:09

Even ebay/charity shops should be out od bounds if you're trying that hard. Try freecycle.

diddl · 29/08/2009 14:30

SerendipitousHarlot
I see your point.
Although it sounds to me as if the OP has just dismissed charity shops out of hand, TBH.

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