to be f***** off with DH ...

[TamTam29]

DH gets up & goes to work 6-630ish

10 wk old Baby work up this morning at 630 after sleeping t5hrough the night for first time.

Got up to change & (BF) feed him but wipes were in front room, so plodded in to front room to get them and and got quite a shock instead!

DH sat at computer naked, porn on screen, tissues at hand!

Yes im worn out and our sex life has been non existant the last few months
(from having 2 under 2, BF has stolen my MOJO, we still havent done it yet as had mainly 2nd degree tearing & small area of 3rd degree so im still cautious - we nearly got there a couple of times but had no contreception & dont want to rely on BF as form of contraception, also have big body issues after carrying a 10 pound baby)
but is that any excuse for w over some cyberslut?

Or maybe im in the wrong here? Didnt think I was a prude maybe i am!

The thing that gets me is that we have always been able to talk quite openly about things so dunno if i am so angry because of his secrecy rather than the act itself?

Also he knows even less about computers than me but has managed to delete todays history of the computer! I used to know how to get it back but dont know what to do on vista (although why i need to look I dont know)

so am i being unreasonable here?

I can't believe I'm reading this Mal

'he managed to wait a few days till I was feeling better without selfishly "pleasing himself" - he knew I wanted sex just as much as him but simply wasn't physically able. I offered him a BJ but he said he'd rather wait. It was exactly the same when he had his vasectomy recently, we went 12 days "without" and I was like a bitch on heat but it would have been utterly selfish to give myself pleasure when he couldn't partake so I waited unitl he was ready, just like he's done many times for me.'

Jesus Christ, is it 1912 or what????

'selfishly pleasing himself'
'it would have been utterly selfish to give myself pleasure'

Or are you a surrendered wife?

And this bit

'At least he'd be thinking about you and not some random shaved and genitally bleached automaton faking exctasy.'

So you reckon he only thinks about you when he has a wank?

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahaa

I'm sorry but this thread is very funny. Men masturbate, end of. My DH on the other hand is in the shit for coming in football last night at 02:30 with his shirt covered in blood.

blimey. Didn't he hear you getting up? If that had been my bloke I recon he would have heard me get up to tend to the baby and would have hidden the evidence!

What the hell is a surrendered wife and why is my viewpoint bizzare?

We are just a couple who have been married for 25 years, together since the age of 17 who have respect for each other - we are grown ups who CAN control our sexual urges,

If my hubby was masturbating in bed beside me stroking my hip, then yes, I would surmise that he was thinking about ME.
When he worked away I would hope that he mostly thought about me too and if he didn't then I don't want to know because it would upset me, however illogical that may be - I now that fantasies about other people are normal and healthy etc. but it doesn't mean I have to like the idea.

I feel like I'm living in my own little bubble now, I didn't realise that my opinions were SO odd.

my DH occassionally mastubates and strokes my bum in my sleep..so he tells me .

we have both used porn in the past but don't now..it's always been a means to an end...

yeah i s'pose there are worse things he could be getting up to! (been there with the blood on shirt in early hrs too although that was another lifetime ago)

We live in a flat & our bedroom is next door to front room, with DS2 crying he woudnt of heard me coming in, usually i feed him first then change him but as he slept through night i decided to change him 1st. DS1 is not yet 2 & sleeps in a cot still so there was no chance of him walking in like I did.

On reflection i'm not going to make a big thing about it, will wait & see if he brings it up - dunno if he realised I saw what he was doing or thinks I just saw what was on the screen anyway. Still - mostly i am over it already, apart from small dent to my ego & self esteem relating to my post-baby body!

Dont feel we have anything to resolve - will just tell him to use bathroom in future as many of you suggested. (thought that was what the FHM was in there for anyway!)

BTW
There are plenty of men who don't ( albeit because they can't) masturbate - have you never heard of male chastity devices?

huh? (to Malificence)

I do to an extent agree with Malificence. There are times where I will wait for a few days for my period to finnish, horny as , as I lust for dh, and it would not occur to me to please myself. There are other times where I just want a bit of self loving, and I see nothing wrong with that. My mind is my only visual stimulation, and no porn is needed.

I walked in on dh with a tissue once, it gave me "visual stimulation" for a long time... and I nearly ripped his clothes off there and then.

If I didn't want sex because I wasn't in the mood, and dp started wanking next to me in bed whilst stroking my bum (or anywhere else) I swear I would leap out of bed and go to sleep on the sofa.

Not in the mood or not feeling like it due to bf, childbirth, no mojo etc means not in the same room as me please!!!

I've said it before on here but to the op, some people say that you have to consider your dps feelings and attend to his needs even when you don't feel like it.

I told dp to go and attend to himself in the shower for several months after ds2 was born by c section and I was bfing.

Porn though? I'd have probably been pissed off at that, but more pissed off that he didn't come to offer an explanation/apologise/laugh it off before going to work.

I think personally that if I had a 10 wk old and husband needed 'relief' then given the choice between a) He takes himself off and discretely deals with the situation himself and b) he lies next to me to do it while stroking my hip! I'd choose a every time.

I'm sure that when worn out from dealing with a new-born and still with hormones all over the place then option b would strike up all kinds of insecurities along the lines of

He wants sex!
I don't want sex!
Why don't I want sex!
Is there something wrong with me because I don't want sex!

All of which would be unnecessary and apply unneeded pressure when just adjusting to life with another dc is quite enough pressure for anyone to deal with.

I think Mr TamTam could have chosen a more discreet location but there is surely some merit in dealing with the situation quietly and without putting additional stress on a tired and hormonal wife.

TamTam29 - I think I'd be upset if DP didn't give me the chance to please him/at least join in and buggered off to do that. But if he'd made it obvious and I just wasn't in the mood I don't think I'd mind to be honest, sure I'd be shocked to walk in and just find him like that but it depends on what happened first.

BTW - some posts on this thread have given me the giggle I needed today!!!! V FUNNY!

Imagine trying to get some much needed sleep for a shattered bfing mum and there's someone making the bed jiggle about with his wanking....

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I'd be more pissed off to have a wanking DH next to me in bed. Especially when I was worn out - I would start feeling bad that I wSn't the one having sex. Would much rather he did it somewhere else. And wouldn't be too bothered what he was using for added stimulation.

well it happens when I'm asleep..if i was awake it would be a different story!he tried it once (we had been arguing) I just tutted and got out of bed!...I too sometimes wait before self pleasure but I wont condemn someone for it...personally I would wait till we are both in the mood..but if someone wanks it's not the worst thing they can do imo

YABU, tbh. He's human and has urges, and instead of bothering you with them despite your clearly not being interested, he's sorting himself out. That's actually quite nice of him.

Is it the porn that upsets you, or the fact that he had a shuffle full stop? Would you have preferred it if he had announced it first? Just because you don't feel like sex you can't expect him to never get horny at all. And it's not as if he went to a hooker, but he had only a look at some visual stimulatory material. That's hardly a crime (unless the pics were criminal, but that'd be a whole different kettle of fish).

I think you ought to talk to your partner about your sex life and your Mojo. Even if you're wary because of tears and stuff, there's plenty more to sex than just hiding the sausage. I understand the body issue thing, but maybe some intimacy would help you feeling better about yourself. You can always leave the light off, if it helps.

It just goes to show that we are all different and as long as couples have a healthy respect for each other and know what is and is not acceptable in their sex lives, then all should be well.
Secrecy is a very bad thing and at best causes resentment and unecessary worry and at worst rips people apart.

If you love someone enough to be having sex with them then surely it's not hard to talk about sex with them?

Men need to know how their partners feel about porn and respect their wishes, it's wrong of people to just say that "men wank to porn so you have to accept it"
but it can be a much deeper issue in reality.

All I can say is that I'm glad porn has never been an issue in my marriage, my hubby's not interested in it at all - a mate gave him some dvds 7 years ago and they've never been out of the packet, when I happened upon them a while back my hubby told me to watch them to see if they were any good! I've kept a couple of them but he's never wanted to watch them.
I always say that porn is for those with no imagination.

Can I just add that this guy is getting up at six to go to work every day. I'd say that's a responsible adult who loves you - they aren't all like that, I would agree with those saying there are worse habits than w**king! (Also better than letting some other woman attend to his "frustration". Of course that would be being a twat, but some of them are).

I would much rather dp took himself off and saw to himself than lying in bed next to me having a wank. God that would really rub my face in the fact that I said no

If he's feeling horny and I'm not then it's the best thing and I really don't need to know about it and it doesn't bother me at all.

I know he looks at porn on the pc sometimes too and I don't really care about that either.
It would be a different story if he chose to do that instaed of having sex with me but as it's not the case it's fine.

I can hardly tell him that he cannot do it or dictate to him where he should do it or how, nor would I want to just like I wouldn't like him to tell me the same.

Sonetimes men just want a wank, it's just concentracting on themselves not having to think about someone elses pleasure and the ultimate quickie and it feels good. This is according to my dp when we were discussing masturbation.

I think YOU are being unreasonable. It is only natural for him to need to relieve himself and doing it without bothering you is in my opinion the healthiest and most considerate option for him (when you are clearly busy and tired with a tiny baby and have enough to deal with without worrying that he is unsatisfied.

Would you rather he:-

1)completely abstained from any sexual activity until you can do it together?

2. went out and had sex with another woman

3. or man?

4. moaned that you weren't yet feeling up to having sex after the baby had been born?

5. wake you up at 5.30am and ask you permission to go and have a wank?

p.s at least he used tissues and wasn't planning to wipe it on your floral curtains