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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to scream 'i'm sorry but it's not my bloody fault' at this woman

40 replies

Harimosmummy · 24/08/2009 13:40

OK, maybe I am... but I have a 3week old baby and am feeling a little hormonal myself.. .so please be gentle with me.

I have two children - a 14 month old DS and a 3week old DD. I took the two of them to a photo session this morning and got talking to a woman there.

I told her that neither child was planned and that the small age gap was luck rather than judgement...

So she launches into a TIRADE about how unplanned pregnancies make her so mad, as she's had 2 miscarriages and desperately wants a child and how it's so shit that parents (aka: ME ) just got to have children without trying.

Honestly, I was pretty much in tears by the end of it. No, my children weren't planned, but they were very much wanted and are adored by both me, DH and my DSDs.

I appreciate that going through a miscarriage must be horrid (I won't and didn't try to say I understood, because I don't think it's possible until you've lived through it and I wouldn't want to negate or somehow belittle that) but FFS, it's NOT MY FAULT that it happened...

At one point, she was ranting on about 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, as though it should have happened to me instead of her or that if something had happened to my children, it wouldn't have happened to hers.

Thankfully, we got called in then and she was gone when we came out.........

I honestly felt like reporting her but didn't... because I didn't want to get her into trouble when what she probably needed was a friendly ear... But now I'm home, I'm fuming - because she didn't give two hoots about how I might be feeling or how her stupid ranting might have affected me....

OP posts:

catsmother · 24/08/2009 14:16

YANBU

FWIW, I've had 3 miscarriages and, like many other women who've also miscarried, you do feel extremely bitter and angry with the world in general, and you do rage against the apparent ease with which other women fall pregnant successfully, and how unfair life is etc.

But the vast majority of us would never subject another woman to the sort of irrational tirade you had. You just don't. I've painted on smiles and made all the right noises to pregnant friends lots of times ...... I hate the fact I couldn't be as lucky as them, but I don't hate them, IYSWIM ? Her misfortune has nothing to do with you and I can only assume that if she's capable of overstepping boundaries like that in such a shocking way she must either have always been a horrid spiteful person, or alternatively, be on the verge of a breakdown through grief - for which of course she should be pitied. But I'm very sorry she took it all out on you.

ZippysMum · 24/08/2009 14:22

catsmother - what you said.

Like you, I've always managed to keep a lid on it - so imagine she must be in an even worse place than I have been to actually say what she did- hence the sympathy.

Or maybe she was just a horrid spiteful person.

Either way, OP, hope you are feeling better now. I think better to let it go than rake it over with a complaint.

katiestar · 24/08/2009 14:27

YANBU to be upset
It sounds as if it was a bit of a 'last straw that broke the camel's back' situation.Perhaps feeling a little bit of sympathy for her would help.

belgo · 24/08/2009 14:36

I know you love and wanted your children, but yourself in her position. She's desperate for a baby and just had two miscarriages, then she meets you with two gorgeous babies, and all you talk about is how your didn't plan to have either of them.

I do kind of see why she lost it with you.

belgo · 24/08/2009 14:37

I meant: But put yourself in her position.

kitbit · 24/08/2009 14:40

It sounds as though both of you were in the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. It wasn't personal to you, you just got a whole tidal wave of pent up crap that I bet she's been supressing for ages. And miscarriages can make you pretty obsessed about unfairness, and it probably just so happened that at the moment she's obsessing about how "easily" some people conceive.

Unfortunately you are also feeling a wee bit sensitive so couldn't just brush off her tirade.

Chalk it up to experience, realise her frustration really wasn't meant especially for you, and go and eat chocolate

Original poster

Harimosmummy · 24/08/2009 16:39

Thanks for alll the replies - they really have made me feel better.

I do take on board that my flippant comments about my kids not being planned could have been taken the wrong way (what I ddin't explain is that my Dh and I had been together for 8 years and really had just come to terms with NOT having kids (biologically... I have two lovely DSDs who have been in my life since they were babies themselves)... and then, BAM... I have 2 within 2 years of being married!!!). And I will make sure that I don't make that mistake again.

I also can see that it probably was just a bad moment for her too. I was a bit hassled when I got there, and my DS is a bit of a blue-eyed-blonde-haired-butter-wouldn't-melt sort of boy, so she was probably thinking I didn't deserve this poppet of a son.

I'm not going to report her or anything. I just needed to vent in a non-RL environment, IYSWIM. And I do appreciate all the replies.

THankyou.

OP posts:

katiestar · 25/08/2009 11:14

harimosmum - could I just make a suggestion please don't take it the wrong way it's meant kindly.
i really wouldn't tell people your DC weren't planned
i have a friend whose child overheard her saying this and it was a contributing factor to a suicide attempt when she was a teenager .She blamed herself for her mother's depression and marriage breakdown

katiestar · 25/08/2009 11:17

Sorry that sounds very alarmist -it was a very extreme case ! I don't think for a minute that would happen to your DC but I don't really think it can benefit your kids to hear it from you or anyone you tell who may so helpfully relay it back to them .

knockedgymnast · 25/08/2009 11:17

What Katiestar has said.

It's none of anyone else's business whether or not you have planned to have a baby or not.

Mumcentreplus · 25/08/2009 11:22

YANBU she has a cheek! ..I would have had some choice words for her..everyones circumstances are different she does'nt even know you and no matter her issues she has no right to speak to you like that!

lljkk · 25/08/2009 11:25

How were you supposed to know that the woman had fertility problems, OP? Most people do NOT have fertility problems. There's no room for small chat at all ever if we are expected to that ultra-sensitive to other people's possible problems in life.

DC were mostly unplanned, (so were most their relatives). Unplanned pregnancies are talked about in the news almost daily; it's an ordinary fact of life. 80 million pregnancies /year globally are unplanned, it's estimated. Unplanned does not mean 'unwanted'.

I would be upset like OP was, but I would work hard on trying to turn the upset into compassion for the lady, she's obviously very stuck with some awful feelings.

Original poster

Harimosmummy · 25/08/2009 14:31

Thanks lljkk...

I do take the point about telling people about the 'unplanned' bit... it's irrelevant. My children were and are dearly loved and wanted.

I think what got to me (I blame the hormones!) is that she sort of insinuated that if something had happened to my kids then it wouldn't have happened to hers and I just had a huge hormonal rush of motherly love and protection.. The thought of anyone even considering the idea that something might happen to my kids...

As I said, I really do understand that it's my hormones kicking in and probably making me over-react a bit (I can, for instance, burst into tears by just hearing or reading about a child being hurt or being killed.. Just the mere thought of that can have me rushing for the keenex) and I can also see that she obviously had some real issues too.

I do feel a lot calmer about it today though.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 25/08/2009 15:03

Yanbu for being upset and her ranting was appalling but before I had my DCs, when I had had three miscarriages and struggled to conceive, whenever I heard a woman do the "ooh, I only have to pass him on the stairs and I'm pregnant again*," thing, I'd want to brain them.

It sounded like they were saying "poor little over-fertile me, feel sorry for me!"

I managed not to say anything though.

(FWIW I now have an unplanned one of my own, which is a rich irony - I have turned into one of those women myself)

or "hang his trousers over the end of the bed"
or "sit in his seat when its still warm"
or "catch his eye across a crowded room"
or any other skin-crawlingly coy euphemism

mermaidspurse · 25/08/2009 19:54

you are a little u - you readily recognise how hormonal you are feeling after your recent birth.

Women who suffer mc have dreadful problems with their hormones whilst struggling with grief and loss.
If mc was not such a taboo subject maybe we would all be a little better at handling these sort of situations.

I expect she rushed off to the loo sobbed her heart out and then as others have said felt mortified at letting her mask slip.

No doubt her employer knows all too well she has had 2 mc as she will in all probability have shared her happy news and then taken sick leave when she lost her babies.

Have some compassion, enjoy your lovely bundles and thank your lucky, lucky stars.

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