or is this just crappy?

[BintOfBohemia]

DS2's 1st birthday was yesterday and we organised a day out at the zoo with family and friends. We had a lovely day out, lots of people came, DS2 enjoyed it, so it was really good.

The only slight cloud over it all was that my parents yet again proved their priorities are elsewhere. They wouldn't come out yesterday because they were going sailing. So I thought I'd invite them for a birthday tea on Saturday but they couldn't see us on Saturday because of more sailing and football. They did ask if we wanted to go to their house yesterday but the zoo was a full day out and we weren't back til way after their bedtime. (The kids, not my parents. )

So they popped round for 20 minutes on Saturday night (again at their bedtime so not really the best) and that was that. And they will no doubt be presenting this as our fault for "excluding" them as we didn't go to their house.

AIBU? Or oversensitive? Or is it just crap? My sister also arranged to go away so didn't come and there was no one from my side of the family present on his birthday. They've had a year's notice that this was his birthday, and they seem to bother with DS1 but are not arsed about DS2 and it pisses me off.

the main thing is you had a good day

some people don't put your children first but you do and thats what matters.

YANBU to be a bit upset but there's no point falling out about it.

Yes its a bit annoying if they can't plan their social activities around something as important as this. However, IME you can't make them be the grandparents that you want them to be. My own parents make far less effort than my in-laws but at the end of the day it's their loss. The difference in how my DCs feel about each set of grandparents is stark.

If it makes you feel better, then tell them that you are disappointed. It probably won't make any difference though. As long as your DS had a lovely time, that's all that really matters.

I think you are probably just a bit oversensitive about it. Your DS2 is only 1, so is totally unaware of it being his birthday. Before I had DS, I would have rather poked my eyes out than go to a childrens party (and tbh, it doesn't do much for me now), so I really don't see why your parents and sister would want to spend a day at the zoo with a load of small children.

Cheers gingernut. We've already fallen out about a year ago to be honest, but I keep letting myself live in hope, or think that even though they don't give a shit about me, that they might care about about their only grandchildren. But nope, everything, and everybody else comes first.

Really must toughen up.

Thanks, it is their loss. It wasn't just litle kids at the zoo, there were a lot of us, our friends, some kids, DH's parents - it was just a really nice day out.

DS2 obviously doesn't know or care that his grandparents don't care about him, but DS1 (who is 3) commented on the way home that we hadn't seen them - it obviously struck him as odd when everyone else was there.

Should also add that they treat them differently; when DS1 turned 1, they gave him some money that they had been saving for a year for him. They didn't bother with DS2.

But then, they didn't bother coming to see DS2 after he was born apart from when DH asked them to pop round. My dad's probably held him twice in a year.

We couldn't get them out of the house after DS1 was born.

i agree with what someone said about the way the children feel about their grandparents.

My mum makes tons of effort and my dd absolutely adores her (prefers her to me at times!) but the other grandparents dont make so much effort and she is noticably not interested when she does see them - and I just have to think "Their loss" they are the ones missing out on wonderful ties with your children.

You sound like a lovely mum and your children will have everything they need from the people who can be bothered. Glad you and your ds enjoyed the day.

its very sad that they made the effort with your first son though - very sad

Thank you gingerbut.

I was posting really because they make me doubt my judgement; they do (and have always done) things that strike me as wrong/hideously insensitive/unfair but then they make out like it's just my "perception" and my fault for feeling like that. It really skews you as a person to have your feelings permanently disregarded or invalidated.

I've been having counselling to help deal with how they treat me, and generally I think I'm doing better but then incidents like this set me straight back again. It's all so twisted.

oooops - gingernut!

I think it also makes me more protective of DS2 as it makes me feel so sad for him.

Thank god it's only them who treat him like this.

You will never change them Bint, it is a sadness you have to get used to in my experience. My PIL bothered with DS1, then have seen DS2 once (he is 2 now) and they don't even know I'm having another one next week. My Dad visits for an hour twice a year. Whatever I have said or done makes no difference, it is their choice and their loss.
The children are not bothered at all and they love my Mum who sees them a lot.
I am slowly getting used to it but I don't think it is a question of toughening up, just learning to have no expectations of them.

That's so sad lion. But I suppose the children don't miss what they never had. I just keep thinking about my own grandad wo died before I was born; would have been nice to meet him, but I've never missed him.

Do you have any idea why your family /ILs have behaved like this?

I know we would all like to have parents who thought there was nothing better than being grandparents, but unfortunately that's not the case. The novelty probably wore off with your ds1.

And I'm sure at 3 he would not have interpreted their absence as a social slight on his younger brother, more just, oh, they aren't here.

tbh, grandparents do not have obligations towards grandchildren. If it was a good weather forecast, I think going sailing was a much more preferable option than a 1 yr olds party at the zoo.

Sure you would like your parents there. But if they don't want to, or have made other plans, then that's just tough really. Don't make them feel guilty about it, or they will back off further.

mum23 I understand that they don't have obligations to their GCs (they weren't very interested in us so it follows they wouldn't be bothered with them) but what bothers me is the unfairness of it. They made a big fuss of wanting to come and see DS1 on his birthday the other week, but didn't seem to give a shit about seeing DS2. It's the inconsistency that gets me.

I'd be very upset if my parents did this. Like you say, it's not as though it was a surprise, they've known for 365 days it was his birthday. It was one day out of a whole year. Poor you and ds, but at least he had a good day

I remember once when I was young having a birthday party on a Friday evening. My dad came in half way through, dressed in his football kit, and asked if I minded if he went out to play football. Of course I minded, but I didn't say, it's not like there was any point.

So nothing's changed, really.

It is sad Bint but I have stopped being angry about it. My PIL and dad are just more interested in their own lives than they are in their grandchildren. PIL stopped bothering once the novelty wore off (about 6 months) and my dad is very clear that he sees the children out of duty. My PIL and dad have shallow and pointless lives in my opinion, their behaviour towards my children has made me lose all respect for them. I agree that grandparents don't have obligations to care about grandchildren but there is something missing in them as people if they don't.
Bint - I think you need to deal with it if they are bothering with one child and not the other. Any idea why?

I could be wrong, but I think it's because when DS1 was born I was estranged from my mother. We made up when DS1 was about 9m old and I don't think they have forgiven me for it. I think it's a punishment thing. I can't think of any other reason.