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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be outraged about judgemental mum in the supermarket

56 replies

mmrred · 23/08/2009 20:13

My DD is 14 (but looks older)and my DS is 2. In the supermarket yesterday she was looking after him and letting him have a wander as I sorted out a DVD purchase. He played her up, as little brothers do, and walked in front of a woman's trolley. DD apologised and this woman said 'Can't you learn to control your child?'

How dare she? My DD isn't a teenage Mum but even if she were, it's not as if her brother was causing havoc whilst she was on her mobile phone or something. How unbelievably judgemental.

My DD is humilaited and hurt. Apparently this woman had twin babies in her trolley - perhaps she will show a bit more tolerance when they are toddling.

OP posts:
S1ur · 24/08/2009 02:37

YANBU I hate all people.

esp, in supermarkets and especially and specifically those who criticise me (or mine).

I am not discriminating, I think she was rude because she dared to have an opinion and be rude enough to express it, if I was her and had got annoyed I'd have pursed my lips a la tradition and posted on mn. No need to upset people face to face after all.

savoycabbage · 24/08/2009 04:04

She doesn't sound judgemental to me, just grumpy. She overeacted but it's not that big an assumption. If your dd had been 10 I would have been outraged with you.

Original poster
mmrred · 24/08/2009 15:07

Hadn't thought about her being tired and ratty so that'll teach ME to be judgemental!

However, still think some people make comments (and judgements) to and about younger Mums that are unfair.

OP posts:
belgo · 24/08/2009 15:17

Why didn't your dd just say he's her brother?

There are a lot of teenage mothers in the UK, it's not that surprising the other woman made the wrong assumption.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 24/08/2009 15:23

Reminds me of when I was a 16yo au pair in France, when I took the 2yo into town. Ah, the looks I got! At least I couldn't understand what they were muttering

Sullwah · 24/08/2009 15:28

Think you are being a bit oversensitive.

But it reminds me of when my teenage sister took out our cousin in a pram to the shops. Some old biddy said to her "where's the father then?"

My sister, quick as a flash said "at home with his mother"

lal123 · 24/08/2009 15:28

From your post it looks as though you were outraged that the woman assumed your DD was DS's mum, rather than being outraged that the woman questioned yur daughter's control of DS?

I think the fact that you are so outraged at the fact that someone could possible assume your daughter was a teenage mum says more about YOUR prejudice about teenage mums than hers???

hercules1 · 24/08/2009 15:29

Yabvu. Hardly a thing to be outraged about. Cant believe your daughter felt this way about it.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/08/2009 15:33

I think you should be happy if this is all you have to he outraged about.

You are doing your dd no favours if you facilitate her to be upset/insert word of choice over this incident.

MamaMaiasaura · 24/08/2009 15:36

fimbo - would you really say that to someone for a child walking out infront of you? Hope i dont meet you in supermarket.

OP - Poor dd, I'd be upset for her too thought wonder if the other mum was frazzled with twins

stealthsquiggle · 24/08/2009 15:37

I am only 10 years older than DB but I used to get those looks from people. I (and my DM) thought it was funny. Also the fact that people who knew my DM in the context of DB (playgroup, etc) would visibly re-calculate her age when they met me and elder DB (19mths older than me)

Woman was tired and grumpy and irrational, but your DD (and you) need to learn to laugh it off.

Waspie · 24/08/2009 15:47

I'm 6 years older than my sister. When I was 18 and she was 12 I went to pick her up from her after school music lesson (desperate to drive anywhere using my lovely new driving licence) and the music teacher said "Oh X, I've not met your mother yet" and shook my hand.

I was amused. Certainly not outraged.

Sassybeast · 24/08/2009 15:50

Oh - perhaps your toddler WAS behaving badly ? Perish the thought eh ?

peanutbutterkid · 24/08/2009 18:39

That is what 2yr olds do, Sassy, they make inconsiderate mistakes. That's because they're 2 and not 22, they still need LOTS of socialising. It is normal for them to behave like OP described.

Honestly, whatever happened to tolerance?! Why should parents expected to be in perfect control of their children at all times? Is this just a British thing? In other countries most people would smile fondly at a lively 2yo; in Britain it's taken as a cue to ring the NSPCC, ffs.

Flibbertyjibbet · 24/08/2009 18:46

I think you are being a bit sensitive, but you just smile and think of that lady in 18 months time....

With two littluns in a supermarket and her options will be -

  1. use all night supermarket at night when dc's asleep and dp home.
  2. heave a trolley round with two wrestling children in it, no room for much food and what food fits in it get squashed and trodden on by the wrestling children.

Er, rather like me today!

hocuspontas · 24/08/2009 18:50

This could have been the scenario -

Woman out for first time since CS, boy larking about, lurches into woman's trolley, handle cuts into her stomach, she grits her teeth, boy does it again, she half collapses in pain, pleads "please can you keep him under control?", girl apologises.

Not judgemental, just in agony

Trikken · 24/08/2009 19:00

id prob be a bit suprised if someone said that to me when i was younger as i used to baby-sit my mums friends children a lot, but it wouldnt have worried me, tho i do get annoyed when my mum gets mistaken for my ds's mum when we're out shopping, im 24 so dont think i look young.

Trikken · 24/08/2009 19:00

meant to be nearly 24

skybright · 24/08/2009 19:01

I expect she did say a bit more than she might of if it was an older women.

My 14 year old was with me in a crowded lift ,standing behind her brothers pram,when a lady asked how old "her" baby was.

She said quick as anything "he's not mine" but goes on and on about it everytime we are in that shopping centre.

MamaMaiasaura · 24/08/2009 21:33

Sassy - I agree with peanut. Toddlers are learning!

Rindercella · 24/08/2009 21:49

It's of course true that toddlers are learning - I don't think a single person on here would disagree with that statement. However, that does not mean that every single person who encounters an, err, active toddler should be delighted by that behaviour.

Some people will smile indulgently (probably me included); some will ignore; some, if they have had a crap day and not had much sleep the night before may make a slightly irritated remark.

One of the behaviours children will need to learn is to respect others' space and not to charge around supermarkets.

MamaMaiasaura · 24/08/2009 21:54

rinder - yes true they will learn, but it is a process and at 2 they can not be expected to know the social skills of an older child.

Rindercella · 24/08/2009 22:04

That's true Awen, but then I did not say that a 2 year old should have the social skills of an older child. It is a long (and painful ) process.

However, you cannot expect everyone who encounters a small child who is "playing up" (OP's words) to be particularly thrilled about it. If my 2 year old DD charged into someone's trolley, I would apologise - simple. I might be a bit miffed if that person told me off, but I most certainly would not be 'outraged' by it (and nor would I if it was my 19 year old DSS who was ticked off).

There are many things to be outraged about in life (just take a look at some of the readers' comments on the Daily Mail website), but this ain't one of them. IMO of course

savoycabbage · 25/08/2009 04:17

If your dd is "fourteen but looks older" then it is a reasonable assumption that she is his mother. The woman didn't say anything about teenage mothers, that is your assumption.

Perhaps she thinks that teenage mothers are the bees knees.

YABU

gingernutlover · 25/08/2009 08:34

sounds like she wrongly assumed your dd was the mother - thats not that unreasonable though if she looks more like 16?

Also sounds like she was having a bad day and snapped at someone in a supermarket.

I'm sure she will be more tolerant when hers are bigger, as she might be actually sleeping herself then.

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