to be really annoyed at this!!

[welshone51]

Hi My son and his little friend ( both nearly 2) were playing yesterday evening during a get together amongst my friends and their children.
They appeared to be playing nicely just the two of them however they then had a minor disagreement over a toy car which just involved lots of loud babbling at each other- I then witnessed my sons friend bending down by his leg, I briefly turned around then all of a sudden my son screamed out and came running to me pointing to a large angry looking bite on his leg. I pointed this out to my friend ( mum of the child involved) who was sat near by and she immedietely looked at the bite and went to confront her daughter -she asked her daughter if she had bitten my son and her daughter said no- she then asked if anyone had seen her do it- I announced that I had as good as seen her do it and then she turned to her husband and said '' well what do I do shes denying it so I can't really punish her''and then in the next breath said that there was a really nasty bite mark on my sons leg that looked like it had just been done but she didnt feel she could tell her daughter off properly because she denyed doing it.
The bite mark on my sons leg has now turned into a nasty bruise.
I appreciate that all children have their rows and lash out especially as toddlers and bites often happen but I am just rather annoyed by the reaction of my friend who let her daughter get away with biting. She has bitten my son before but I am often told it s because my son was '' getting her in way' or ''annoying her''
I am not saying my son is perfect and as toddlers do he sometimes lashes out in frustration but is always reprimanded!
I just felt that my friend needed to at least acknowledge that her daughter did wrong! Have I being unreasonable in being annoyed at this? She is a really good friend of mine but situations like this seem to regularly occur.

There was a Radio 2 phone in last week about toddlers who bite and in the intro to the segment, Matthew Bannister, who was standing in for Jezza, said in a jokey way, "It's even been suggested that parents bite the child back" ho ho ho and it was laughed off with the panel of 'experts' too. It then amused me that every single person who called in said they had bitten their own child and the problem had stopped instantly!

The 'expert' advised calmly explaining to the child that it hurt. It only took a year to solve the biting problem with her own child!

It all rather back-fired really.

Btw, YANBU. A lot of toddlers bite, it's a stage, but I would not be impressed by the parent's failure to do anything about it. Apart from avoiding them, you can only really model how you show dd how to behave with others and pointedly supervise

If an under 2 is lieing she's pretty advanced. To lie, a child needs to understand that other people think differently from her.

If she did bite, and did lie, the child obvioulsy already recongises what she did was wrong, and therefore doesn't need to be chastised.

LynetteScavo have I understood you correctly? The child doesn't need to be chastised? What is this reasoning??? I need it explained.

I think that if I thought my child had done something wrong but had denied it, as well as telling him that 'biting is naughty, it hurts' I would also tell him that 'saying you have not done something which you have done is telling lies, and telling lies is naughty'.

That sort of came out wrong....I knew somone would pick me up on it.

Well, if it had been my child who was suspected to have bitten, I would have said "We don't bite" with raised eyebrows.

I would also have apologised profusely to bitten child and parent.

I would have also been mighty amazed (and damn proud) that they were able to lie before the age of 2.

If they know they have done wrong, what is the point in telling them off? Don't get me wrong...I chastise my children a lot (sometimes too much according to DH).....but really why? They know they've done wrong, so do I. Does any more need to be said? Probably not, but I say it anyway.

There were no other children there at the time the only other child was in the garden with his dad and as my son couldnt have bitten himself it appears the child did lie, especially as I saw her mouth by that area seconds before- I believe abdab may have a point also this is what my husband said that she may be embarrased by her daughter biting, I know things like this happen I just thought it set a bad example to my son when she didnt reprimand her daughter that you can bite other children and get away with it. I would really hate to lose her friendship over this I may just have to monitor them more closely.

Lynette - but surely it is more of a problem that a child is aware that they have done wrong and got away with it, than if a child doesn't yet understand what is right and what is wrong?

lynetee

If a child of mine bit I would do a hell of a lot more than "raise my eyebrows and tell them we do not bite"

Are you for real?

Wait until your child comes running to you screaming, unconsolable with a large red raw bruise on their arm, asking why their friend has bitten them

I am telling you now if any of my children ever dared to even open their mouth to bite, they would NEVER do it again

LilyMolly the child in question is still a one year old.Ther best thing to do is ignore the biter and give the bitten liots of attention.
You do feel very indignant and angry when a toddler bites your DC .That is natural but the sort of major retribution you seems to be suggesting is not appropriate for a child that young,
I personally think that suggestions that you shoulkd drop a friend you like very much because of the behaviour of her 1 yr old is ludicrous.I have seen so many parents fall out over kids stuff and of course the next thing the kids are best of friends.I would instaed suggest you pay sharp attention to the situation and intervene as soon as you see trouble brewing. I can't understand why you stood by and did nothing when you saw a diasagreement developing child with a child who had previously bitten your kid.I would have been in there like a shot.

YANBU
I agree with Screamings theory, good point.

DD could definitely fib at that age. In fact the most common sign of her needing changing was an out-of-the-blue announcement of "my not do a poo" - and similarly we would get "I didn't break it/knock it over/take it/hit DS"

If it had been me I would, given overwhelming evidence, have told the child off not only for biting but for fibbing as well.

katie I agree with you that it's important for you to comfort the bitee, and I'd add to that that it is important to apologise on behalf of your child, if your child is the biter.

I do think that other parents need to see that you are taking it seriously, by disciplining your child in some way. There is a line to be drawn though. Some parents are so worried about being seen to tell off their child, they end up shrieking like a fishwife, and giving the biter some unintended attention.

A lot of biting at around 2 is due to boredom, teething, experimentation, hunger, tiredness and attention-seeking, so prevention is better than cure.

Katie thanks for your input- my friendship will not break down over this incident- me and my friend are too close for things like this to come between us.
I have a fairly relaxed style of parenting regarding certain things- my son is a confident little boy and I dont personally believe in always stepping in when minor disagreements occur- I beleive it is a major part of social development and if I always step in then my child will always want me there when certain situations arise however hindsight is a wonderful thing and obviously if I had known that my son was going to be bitten I would have stepped in I just dont believe in constantly holding his hand.