Was I being unreasonable to tell my DH if he didn't come on holiday I'd divorce him?

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Genuine question as I feel a bit embarassed about this but at the time I was so angry with him.

He has not come on a summer holiday with me and DD for about 6 years now. DD is 9 and for the last few years we've gone on our own. He reckons that holidays are boring, though he will come on skiing holidays with us. As we blow any money we have on a ski holiday I can only afford to take DD camping in the summer, which is fine.

So me and DD went to Devon last week, I'd booked the holiday in Jan and asked him several times to come but he'd always made excuses. It was a 7 hour drive for us but got there OK.

Then on Tuesday the tent broke, I bought a replacement and that broke. I was by now rather hysterical after spending hours trying to fix various tents on my own. I rang him up and told him if he didn't come now I'd divorce him. God knows what he told his boss but he managed to get the next 3 days off work and drove all the way to Devon, arriving at 3:00am.

By the time he got here someone had put the tent up for me and I had calmed down enough to think maybe I'd over reacted. But my mobile had died and I'd forgotten the charger so I couldn't ring him to tell him not to bother. I do feel bad he drove all that way but at the same time I feel he shouldn't have put me in that position.

Why can't DH take her skiing ? I think I know the answer ....

YANBU, the deeper issue is about more than a single camping holiday and it sounds like that occasion was the straw that broke the camels back. He sounds really selfish (me, me, me) and if I were you, I'd be pissed off too.

It is not a case of you both taking goes at looking after your DD so that you can both keep up with hobbies etc. It is the case that your life is built around him being able to do what he wants (you can like it or lump it) and if you want to do something - he can't be arsed, you're left to do it on your own and he won't even use up his holiday entitlement to have some time with his family - that sucks and is really a sad thing for your daughter to experience.

There doesn't seem to be any balance or equality and it is pretty obvious that your daughter has picked up on this. If you want any sort of quality time with him, it is based on you accompanying him on his jaunts and fitting in with his friends/schedule.

Sorry but I think you are living as a single parent already. The one thing I'd say is that you sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your DD I don't know the answer to your problem, but if it were me, there would be a lot of serious talking going on about how I don't wish to continue the marriage in this vein.

i think its just gone too long and the resentment has built up and built up to the point where you blew a gasket. does he actually know how you feel about it - have you told him before now? if not then he isnt a mind reader and maybe he thought you were happy with the arrangement as you had gone along with it for so long.
now would be a good time to tell him exactly how you feel about it, and give him the chance to change things. the fact that he dropped everything and did drive all the way down to devon tells me that he mustnt have realised how bad it had got for you and he must love you both.
so you maybe were unreasonable to keep going along with something you were so unhappy with, but id have probably done the same then blew a fuse as you did!

Stripey - Your DH can take her skiing. You go and do something fun and relaxing on your own. Then use the money saved to go somewhere nice with DD in the summer, and tell him he is coming like it or not. Then, he gets his paragliding so you have a week each to yourselves, and a week on holiday together and DD gets a week with her dad, and does not lose out on skiing - a long time coming i reckon.

Or, just divorce him. If he won't even take all his leave entitlement I would tell him if he does not want to spend time with the family he should walk.

Why do you put up with this crap then?

Hmmm. Sounds like if you said you weren't going skiiing he would just go without either of you and refuse to take dd - am I right?

Or DD would not want to go without mum ?

Well, why don't you call his bluff and book the next skiing holiday for him and your dd and stay at home. Your dd doesn't miss out, you get out of a holiday you don't like and your dh actually has to do some parenting. Job done.

Stripey : I reckon that we are assuming that he doesn't do any parenting. Is that correct ?

YANBU to be upset/irritated/annoyed that DH won't go on camping holidays with you & DD but you are however BU to threaten him with divorce if he didn't drop everything straight away to come & help you sort the tent IMO.

He doesn't do a lot of parenting. He expects me to look after DD at the weekend and he does whatever he wants. If I happen to be working at the weekend then he has to look after her. But will often try to get my mum to look after her instead, sometimes he takes her paragliding with him. So this means she spends the day on her DS or her bike at the airfield while he paraglides. She doesn't seem to mind this though. If he can't go paragliding as its too windy and I'm at work then DD moans that he ignores her all day as he's too busy working.

He did take her skiing one year without me as I had exams in Jan and Feb and couldn't go. DD was booked into childccre/ski lessons 9-5 and didn't enjoy it as much as she normally would. If I go I'll ski by myself in the morning while DD has lessons and then pick her up afetr lunch and we either ski together or go swimming. I don't like the thought of her being in childcare all day when she doesn't know anyone there.

So, basically, he operates pretty much as if he didn't have a family ?

I would never be as forthright in RL, and I know several people in a similar position, so I hope you aren't upset, but to me this is not what I'd call a family.

I feel sad for your DD, and her dad, actually, as he's missing out on a potentially great relationship. Kids of 9 are pretty great, I think.

How did this situation come to being, and how long have you been unhappy about it ?

Well until DD was 3 my DH didn't have a job so seemed to have plenty of time to spend with us. Then 6 years ago he got a job that involved him being away most of the time. I think I saw him about 20 days in a year that first year. I don't know if he just got used to not been with us but he had that job for a year and then got another job which didn't involve being away. But he's carried on doing his own thing. I've been unhappy about it since him getting that 2nd job, so 4 years. I've told him numerous times.