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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the meanest mummy ever?

44 replies

memoo · 21/08/2009 17:37

Both DC get the same amount of pocket money. DD usually spends hers but DS has been saving for months and managed to save £30. DD had just £8 saved.

They both wanted to spend it at build-a-bear so took them this afternoon. DS bought 2 new bears and outfits, DD only had enough for an outfit for the bear she already has at home.

Both DC were very happy.

Went to clarks after to get school shoes and bumped into a another mum from school. We were chatting before being served and she asked the DC about what they had bought in build-a-bear. I explain that DS had more as he had saved up his pocket money all these months.

She started saying "aww poor DD"! and asking why i hadn't given her some more money so she had the same as DS. explained again about DD alreading spending her pocket and DS saving up.

She went on about how she could never do that to her DC and how she would feel really guilty if she did. She also told me that whenever one of her DC had birthday money to spend she would give the same amount to her other children so that they didn't feel left out.

TBH I think she is being bloody daft, or am i just the meanest mummy ever?

OP posts:

dilemma456 · 21/08/2009 18:54

Message withdrawn

cjones2979 · 21/08/2009 19:02

What is this woman on ?????!!!!!

Crazy !!

You are in no way a mean mummy, you did exactly what I would have done.

My SIL is exactly the same as the lady described by Alibabaandthe40nappies, Her 2 youngest DD's (one is 5, the other almost 6) have only 11 months between them. Because they are so close in age (and birthday!) she has always treated them like twins, so they get 2 of everything - clothes, toys etc - so when the first birthday comes along in August she has to give both of them their birthday presents so that the other one doesn't feel left out!! Then by the time the second birthday comes round in Sept, she buys them both something else........hence, they are spoilt brats who get what they want when they want and ask for absolutely everything when out shopping!!

cjones2979 · 21/08/2009 19:05

Oh, also......

....SIL (mentioned above) has 3 DD's, the eldest is 10. The 2 youngest had to have new beds recently and because she didn't want her eldest to be "left out", she bought her the same bed too, even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with the bed she had !! (and my brother and SIL do not have a pot to piss in, so completely ridiculous IMO).

kittymax · 21/08/2009 20:11

You are not mean. You are teaching them the value of money, letting them decide whether to spend now or save for something that costs more. It's their choice, for some kids it burns a hole in their pocket and they have to spend it that day. Other kids like to see it amass and buy a bigger treat. How else are kids gonna learn this important skill of judgement, decision making, patience and managing finances? Your doing the right thing IMO

Ripeberry · 21/08/2009 20:18

Don't worry, my kids are getting to that stage where they think they can 'shame' me into buying them something.
If we go anywhere they want a toy or sweet and if I say NO, then they say " You're the meanest mummy ever" and I just say "Yes, I know, get used to it" .
P.S they do get plenty by the way, it's just that I can't stand spoilt children.

CloudDragon · 21/08/2009 20:24

yanbu - my parents were really tight with us and it taught us a good lesson, none of us ahve ever been in debt,

that woman's DCs are destined for bankcrupcy!!

vanimal · 21/08/2009 20:55

yanbu - and really, really impressed that your DD was happy with getting less than her brother.

CurriedNotBovvered · 21/08/2009 21:18

I have a friend who always buys each of her DC something on the other's birthday, and not just a token either - last was one of the Playmobil takealong dolls house - the best part of 30quid! The kids get an entire 'new wardrobe' every season from chav direct and get whatever they want whenever they want.

However, they are not particularly pleasant small people. They are quite vile in fact. Brattish and spoilt.

I would try my hardest to do what you did and stick to my guns. My DD starts with her first ever pocket money tomorrow and trying to figure whether DS (2.75 yrs younger) should start too, but not sure about the fairness as she didn't at his age, IYSWIM! Ho hum......

piscesmoon · 22/08/2009 08:37

'and really, really impressed that your DD was happy with getting less than her brother.

She was happy at getting less because OP is a very sensible mother! Siblings can take joy in the other getting something that they don't-as long as it is seen to be fair.Giving the youngest more money is the thing that would cause resentment, poor DC1 would see that there was no value in saving.
I would never give a sibling a present on a siblings birthday-it is the birthday DCs day and they are the special one. The other will be equally special on their own birthday. The DC without the birthday gets to play with the new toys anyway.

wrigglershouse · 22/08/2009 18:41

Totally not being unreasonable in this case. Just as an aside, my Mum always used to get something tiny for the rest of the children on a birthday. I think it was so the birthday child would be able to play with their present and not get asked for a "go" all the time.

I think it worked really well but it was something tiny - eg birthday present such as bike, lots of books, much coveted toy for the birthday child and smallest thing of lego or toy tractor or smallest type of Sylvanian Families thing each for other children. We learnt it was not our day at all but that didn't mean we couldn't have something nice.

hilaryt1 · 25/08/2009 14:35

Woman is judgemental, ignorant and offensive. Ignore her! Bet your children turn out nicer than hers.

Mothlene · 25/08/2009 14:39

YA absolutely NBU.

Take it from me: I had to save up for things when I was a child and when I went to buy them, my dad just got his cheque book out and bought the same thing for my sister. It was horrible. Your dd needs to learn that she too could have more if she saved and you are totally right. The out-and-out, blatent favouritism my parent showed to my sister haunts me to this day.

thesecondcoming · 25/08/2009 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 25/08/2009 15:03

YANBU and you are not a mean Mummy.

njmomof1 · 25/08/2009 15:06

NO!!! You are right, she is wrong....she had no right to question you at all!! Cheeky mare.

And following her comment of "god, i just don't know how you can do it though" my reply would've been "your not me but if you want to put your hand in your pocket....oh and don't forget, you can't give to one without the other!!!"

lisianthus · 25/08/2009 15:55

I agree with all the other posters - the other woman IS a loon!

Another thing to consider - each week, when DD spent her money and DS saved his, would that woman have thought it was "only fair" to "compensate" DS by buying him something then, as well as "compensating" DD when DS finally bought the bears for which he had been saving? It's a weird (and expensive!) cycle to get into.

You are much more sensible, OP.

honie · 25/08/2009 16:36

Did she suggest you give your son extra to spend when he saves and your daughter has something new as she didn't save? Why should dd get it twice, poor ds!!

iyswim?

honie · 25/08/2009 16:38

lisi, just read your post, you said it so much better than me!

seaturtle · 25/08/2009 22:33

YANBU You're not a mean mum, and this is from someone who DID get big handouts for anything when she was a teenager. It was fun at the time but I had no idea how to manage money and ended up with massive debts as an adult. You are teaching your kids some good lessons for the future.

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