to be p*****d off that my nany just criticised my parenting skills?

[naturopath]

Nanny is 30, but no children of her own yet. She's only had one previous nannying job before this one. Generally she is excellent - the kids love her and she has them eating/sleeping/playing/walking well etc.

But she has just told me that I am in for trouble when the dcs get older as I am "too lenient" and apparently they won't listen to me. Actually, that is not the case at all (although dh and mil are def imo too lenient / encouraging of naughty / dangerous behaviour). Only this morning I had ds outside the room (our version of naughty step) twice - once for throwing things, the other for poking his baby brother. He is generally a gorgeous, pretty well-behaved boy - just a little bit cheeky / naughty sometimes (he is 2 - so a pretty typical toddler). He is v happy, has lots of friends, and everyone oves him.

If on the odd ocassion I am too lenient it is usually because I am exhausted, or we are playing. (I work ft, and have a newborn - although on mat leave now).

I am with at least one of the dcs at all times of day / night at the mo - she gets to go home and have a full night's sleep - completely different - and she doesn't have the mother-child relationship / challenges etc.So what right does she have to criticise me? And I'm her employer ffs! aibu??

naturopath. YANBU, it must be galling when you are doing your best.

But you sound pissed off about the way your DH and MIL approach him, so that's where you need to focus.
Inconsistency between parents (MIL may be less of an issue, depending how involved she is) can cause problems.

ok, so a lot of this is correct - I do work long hours (when working) and suppose I do spoil ds a little - not in terms of buying stuff but in terms of giving him a bit more attention at bedtime(eg reading afew stories, tos of cuddles), letting him run all over the sofa (without shoes), "help" me with the washing, etc. She thinks that just because he, for example, stands up in his highchair when I'm around (which I absolutely do not allow), that I allow such things! I do not and always tell him so very firmly - he usually sits back down, but occassionally he won't, either because he's trying his luck, being obstinate etc. or just because he's a typical toddler who likes to assert his own authority/individuality a bit. Of course, I should be able to control him every time, but yes, I'm not perfect- I do have to prepare the food, look after the baby, see to the washing etc., and I don't want to spend all my time telling him that he can't do everything. Who wants to hear the word "no" all the time? I say it often enough as it is, but I try to keep a balance.

IDontReadTheDailyMailAnyway - your comment that the full time working parents with a nanny "can't cope" without "hired help" is simply astonishing. Yes, it may seem that way - that's probably becuase they are trying to fit it a full time job around raising children. Of course that's difficult - it doesn;t mean they can't cope. I'm sure my nanny thinks that I won't cope- but the fact is that I will and I'm sure I'll do a good job.

I'm sure she did mean it as "constuctive criticism", and not to be bitchy, but she's always had comments like that _ I think she just like to be the one in control in a realtionship - even employer/employee. I usually just ignore these comments. But I do absolutely believe that it is different being a 24/7 parent, than being a nanny 9-5 nanny. And even between parents, all children are different and will have different needs.

I realy don't care that she meant "well" by it - I still think it's out of order.

And re dh and mil - I am the main carer other than the nanny - but it does seem they undo my/ the nanny's good work by encouraging "naughty" behaviour. I have discussed this several times with them - it's just a difference of opinion that we all agree - but yes, different parenting methods is a problem here that we need to sort out. But that's exactly why I feel I have to give ds a bit of leeway sometimes - so as not to confuse him as to what's allowed and what isn't (e.g, climbing up on walls etc. - I wouldn't allow at that age as I think it's too dangerous, whereas dh and mil positively encourage it to encourage his agility / bravery etc.)

YANBU. She crossed a line. Unless of course you have a "Mrs Doubtfire"-type relationship with her where you both see each other as friends/confidantes in addition to being an employer/employee.

Then again, I totally side with Maria in "The Sound of Music" when she tells the Captain what's what. However, unlike the Captain, if those were my parenting skills she was criticising, I'd have flung her out on her arse without so much as a 'by your leave'

naturopath, I feel your pain.

I would take constructive criticism if delivered as a last resort in the right way in the interests of the child. But not casual advice from a know-it-all nanny who is not even a parent herself. No way.

As you say different parenting methods. Moreover, children, she will find out in due course when she has her own, push the boundaries much much more with their parents. She would not even see the tip of the iceberg when she is alone with them.

As a parent, we not only have our parenting methods, we also have to pick our battles.

Right, the high chair. I don't even bother to get my dcs to sit in them, much less strapped in. They are as good as gold in nursery, but will never tolerate a high chair at home.

Your job is not to be consistent with her boundaries so as to make her life easier. Your job is hiring the nannies and making sure your dcs are brought up to your standards over the course of their childhood.

My dd 6 who never sat in a high chair now eats nicely at school and restaurants. No stress. Our way, Works too.

For less aggro, assuming hiring another nanny is not too much of an ordeal, I would assume the contract will come to an end at its natural expiry.

She needs to keep stum ..bluddy cheeky imo feel for you...but you have to consider constructive criticism how did she deliver the information?...tbh I would be pissed off...I have been on both sides and sometimes children listen and react differently to another adult in comparison to their parent...

naturo, just read your last post.

Don't have to justify about not being strict or consistent with your dcs because you are busy with other chores. And not to worry your dcs are spoiled by their dh and mil.

Children take lots of things in their stride. They are not robots who need supernanny consistency to learn. They are more sophisticated (for your toddler, in time) than we give them credit for and are able to process where each person's boundaries are. Ultimately, they will internalise the lessons and learn the dangers of their actions eg climbing walls, but will choose for themselves where their own boundary will be.

Nannies (not all, but some) can live in a slightly unreal world where all their taxes are paid and they Only have to look after seemingly obedient children with spending money for outings and no distractions like running a home or paying bills during those hours or holding down another job. Walk a mile, I say.