to want MIL to babysit dds at our house rather than hers?

[suiledonn]

MIL lives a couple of miles away. We have a 3 year old and a 9 months old. We rarely ask MIL to babysit but when we do it is always on her terms.
We have a wedding on Friday and she offered to babysit. I have asked DH several times if he can tell her we would prefer if she looked after the girls here as the last time it was a nightmare to bring everything to her house for the sake of one day and we ended up going back to her house for the night. DD2 was a small baby and slept in the pram last time but that doesn't suit now as we are co-sleeping with dd2 and no-where suitable for us all to sleep.
I find it hard to leave them at all and would be happier if they were at home. DH just keeps saying thatwe know what she's like and she won't agree to it.
Just wondering if I am being unreasonable before I start kicking up about it.

YABU - if you don't want her babysitting at your house hire a sitter who will www.sitters.co.uk

I agree that you should ask her if you haven't. You need to decide what your fallback position is if she says no though. If she's your only babysitting option then you either leave the kids with her or don't go. If you really don't like leaving the kids you need to look for a paid babysitter. I wouldn't babysit someone else's kids in their house unless paid (probably wouldn't babysit elsewhere at all now as don't need the extra cash). Your MIL has her own life to get on with and most women with young grandchildren work these days. Staying up until 1am in someone elses house isn't much fun.

suiledonn "we rarely ask MIL to babysit, but when we do it is always on her terms"

I wonder if, actually you are a bit resentful that she doesn't offer more often ? Who knows what her reasons are - looking after a baby and toddler is pretty daunting to many people !

Of course, if someone is doing you a favour, it will be on their terms. I am just thinking that, for the sake of a happy relationship with your MIL , you will need to chill out a bit, not expect her to babysit, and not try to control things so much when she does.

Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh. I know what it's like to have 2 DCs this age

You know, when I read some of these threads, I inwardly shudder at the prospect of being a grandparent!!

As 2rebecca says, grandparents have their own lives these days - we're in the 21st century! Many of them still work, and have their own commitments, social agenda and so on. And with the likelihood that people live longer and will be in paid employment for longer, that situation isn't going to change.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure if and when I have grandchildren, I'll love them to bits and will enjoy spending time with them and helping my kids out where possible. But honestly, some people seem to expect the grandparents to provide unpaid childcare, be on tap to babysit, and then have the nerve to complain because they want to do it in their own house!

Whatever happened to a bit of gratitude?

Violet I know exactly what you mean, and I agree.

To be fair to the OP. In this case she has said there's underlying PND and anxiety, which can make us all not see these things so rationally

I can see from your point of view it would be better at your house but they are doing you a favour so you need to fit in. I agree with violethill-if I am ever a grandmother I will be busy living my own life and it will be more convienient for me to stay in my own house. If you don't like it, pay a babysitter and then you can do it on your terms.

YABU. The sooner the kids get used to sleepovers at Grandma's the better, I say.

I babysit fairly regularly for friends & family (I'm not a grandparent). For short things it is usually fine to go to the children's house.

However if it is a long thing eg. an all day wedding reception with anticipated late return I'd rather do it on my territory and just have the kids to stay over.

I know where stuff is, I can often dream up other activities (eg. baking) and more importantly it is less disruptive to me because once they do finally go to bed (and I'm under no illusions that this can be more tricky than at home) I can get on with things I need to do like quiet housework, or my mountain of admin. Usually things that I have bumped in order to do the babysitting in the first place. The children I look after are older and they tend to view it all as a great big adventure. I have however aquired quite a lot of stuff over the years to make pint sized guests visiting easy eg. toddler bed, cot, enormous splashy bath and a big box of brio railway.

I know not everyone is keen on this but if they are expecting me to give up a whole day of my very busy life to help out then there has to be a bit of give and take.

Don't mistake me I love spending time with the kids and feel very priviliged to have a special Aunty Lurker relationship with them but I do have other responsibilities that I need to keep on top of.

Why is it also overnight?
But if it´s for most of the day of course she would rather be at her own house.
It´s not like a couple of hours in the evening whilst your out for a drink and the children are sleeping,is it?
She´s actuallygot to entertain them.
Why can´t you take them with you?

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yabu

Can't you get a blow up bed for you and dh to sleep on at hers? Get mil to put dd in the travel cot and then transfer her over to the blow up with you when you get back.

Wasn't expecting such a big response.

screamingabdab There is no resentment at all. The reason she doesn't offer more is because we rarely go anywhere. I hate leaving the girls and I realise it is a big imposition asking anyone to mind 2 children.

finbo the blow up bed is a great idea. Must look into getting one.

The reason we need to cart so much over is that is what she asked us for. Also, she wants me to do a list detailing what needs to be done.

She is doing us a favour - I do appreciate that if it wasn't for her we wouldn't go anywhere as I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them with a paid sitter I don't know.

What annoys me is the fact that we do a lot for her - she is divorced from FIL and DH has stepped in to do a lot for her. When she needs something doing it has to be way, straight away whether it suits us or not. She has made arrangements for someone to do work at her house when she is away several times assuming we could be there but without checking.
She got really annoyed with me when I was 9 months pregnant because she wanted to collect her car from the garage immediately. DH was at work and I was just out of hospital with high blood pressure and refused to drive. The medication I was on had already made me faint and I didn't think it was safe but she reckoned as it was only a few miles it would be ok.

And can I make it clear when I say we rarely ask her to babysit I am talking about maybe 4 times in 3 years, not a weekly or monthly thing. Just occasions when we had no choice.

Sorry, rant over. I already talked to her today and following the feedback here, the girls are going to hers.

violethill We are very grateful to MIL for what she does but it is not like we expect 'free childcare on tap'. We were invited to a wedding. She was there when we got the invitation. She said 'go, i'll mind the girls'. It's not like we dump them on her morning, noon and night.

Maybe you and your husband are just a bit passive with her. No-one can insist someone do a job for them immediately. You always have the option of saying no and she then asks someone else/ pays someone else to do it, just like you and the babysitting option. You could have refused to drive and told her to find someone else or get a taxi. No-one can ever "make" someone else do something they don't want. She just sounds better than you at putting her foot down.
It sounds as though you both need to practice being more assertive with her, she's being assertive with you after all.

Thanks 2rebecca. I did say no to her the time I was pregnant and she was annoyed for days.

The thing is we do understand it is hard for her being on her own after being married for so long so we do tend to do what she asks even if it doesn't suit at the time. I suppose she has just got used to that.

I just hoped that she might reciprocate just this once IYKWIM

My dad is a widow now after 40 years of marriage and he's not being a demanding PITA. I don't think letting someone get their own way is good for them. She needs to start learning to be more independant. Help her that's fair enough, but if the timing doesn't suit just tell her and suggest she gets tradesman/ taxi etc.

suiledonn OK, I understand things a bit more after your last post. Made assumptions on the basis of the info. you had given

Thanks to everyone for your replies, even the ones I didn't agree with

This is probably about more than just the babysitting to be homest but it has given me food for thought.

Off now to prepare for tomorrow. It's going to take hours of work to get me looking presentable to the outside world

Hope you have a nice time