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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take her toy away?

22 replies

pjmama · 19/08/2009 20:05

Having trouble getting DD to poo on the toilet/potty - wees are no problem, but she just won't poo. She's nearly 3.

Had a breakthrough a few days ago, she did it two days in a row and so we bought her a toy as a special reward and made a big fuss about it.

However, for the past 3 days she's reverted back to flatly refusing to do it again. I've taken the toy back and told her that she needs to keep doing it on the toilet if she wants to keep it, because that's what she got it for. I've tried various other motivations such as chocolate button bribery, but nothing has worked. This is the only thing that seems to get a reaction. She hasn't had a poo for 3 days now and I'm worried she's going to end up in pain and am running out of ideas.

Now she's understandably upset and I feel like a total bitch. Also, DH disagrees with taking the toy back and thinks I'm being rotten. I really don't know whether I've lost perspective on this and could do with some advice please? Do I give her the toy back and go back to square one or stick to my guns?

OP posts:

dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 19/08/2009 20:06

give her the toy back. I think the battle will be worse if you keep it.

Bleatblurt · 19/08/2009 20:06

I think you are a meanie!

Bleatblurt · 19/08/2009 20:07

Just with this btw, I'm sure in general you are a lovely person.

Original poster

pjmama · 19/08/2009 20:08

I don't feel like one right now! I feel like a meanie!

OP posts:

cookielove · 19/08/2009 20:08

i think you should keep it, but i know nothing

Habbibu · 19/08/2009 20:09

I'd give the toy back - you don't want this to be a battle. As you said, you don't want her to become constipated, and for some children I think it is stressful. Try to relax and just maybe offer to read her stories on the toilet if/when you think she may need to go - if she relaxes enough to go, big fuss and a sticker, maybe.

Original poster

pjmama · 19/08/2009 20:11

Bugger - it would appear my DH is right, how the hell did that happen?!

I'm going to give it back now

OP posts:

shhhh · 19/08/2009 20:14

give the toy back and have patience...

dd went through months of not pooing on a regular basis and turns out she was withholding which in turn turned into consitpation which in turn turned into accidents from leakage (beyond her control).

Soooo I know how frustrating it can be. Dd would got up to 10 days without poo'ing..

I sought help and she is on medication and now goes 1-3 times a day freely.

I would give her the toy back, have patience and if it continues then seek medical advice.

Up her fluids and fibre intake and try bribery like a reward chart or stickers for a poo etc. Back to basics im afraid.

btw, dd was also 3 when she went through this...(about 3.4yrs till now aged 4.4 years). You will sort it xx

debs40 · 19/08/2009 20:18

Blimey what's the rush? She's not even three yet. I can understand that it is stressful sometimes but all children are different (DS1 was nearly 4 before he got the hang of it and DS2 practically trained himself at 2) and turning it in to a big issue will only make it worse.

She did well and got a toy. If she does it again, she can get herself another. She doesn't deserve to be punished if she doesn't keep it up every time.

Pitchounette · 19/08/2009 21:19

Message withdrawn

foreverchanges · 19/08/2009 21:33

yabu
always positive reinforcement in toilet training - not negative you will create more problems

foreverchanges · 19/08/2009 21:36

always praise good potty practise
ignore accidents (at three anyway)
dont think she would associate you taking toy away with not pooing on potty not really reasonable to a 3 yo

KnickKnack · 19/08/2009 21:51

I would give her the toy back, then quietly forget about the whole thing...don't discuss toilet/bowels etc in front of her (I found this part quite hard as it keeps cropping up in conversation with family and other parents). The more you make a fuss, the harder and harder she will find it. She will get into the swing of things eventually (it took my DD ages, but the whole "taking a step back" approach worked in the end...and much less stressful all around)

In the meantime just make sure she eats plenty of fruit, veg, lots of water, prunes etc if needed.

llynnnn · 19/08/2009 22:01

i can totally sympathise with you, my dd (just turned 3) has really striggled with her poo's, we have been potty training since january and its only in the last couple of weeks that she has been reliably using the potty for her number 2's! it is soooo frustrating, but i would give her toy back. we tried EVERYTHING with dd, rewards, punishments, getting cross with her etc etc, but the thing that seemed to finally work was almost totally ignoring the issue. if we knew she was doing it in her knickers we used to ask her if she needed the toilet but if she said no wwe would just leave her and clean her up with very little conversation, just 'never mind next time we will use the toilet' it was very frustrating for a few days but then all of a sudden she started to go to the loo.

sorry for the long post, but just wanted to let you know you arent the only one to have this issue

hope it gets better

llynnnn · 19/08/2009 22:01

sorry for the long post, but just wanted to let you know you arent the only one to have this issue

hope it gets better

cookielove · 19/08/2009 22:06

ok i think everyone else is right!

MissSunny · 19/08/2009 22:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster

pjmama · 19/08/2009 22:58

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. Sounds like I've got too stressed and bogged down in this (pardon the pun ) and need to take a step back and re-think.

OP posts:

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 23:34

we had the same problem with DD, we used a reward chart.

im glad youve given the toy back, id be careful about what messages your giving her and be careful it doesnt become a huge issue - try and keep it stress free.

nickschick · 19/08/2009 23:50

I think with toilet training its all very hit and miss some days good some days bad and rewards and bribery can only have limited effect.

When a child is ready to use the loo - they will- no amount of chocolates,dollies or anything will 'make' them be toilet trained and in using these rewards you can significantly delay their development.

The best you can hope in trying to promote this is to remind your dd how pleased you were that she managed the loo and thats why you bought her that toy and try and build her confidence.

Give her the toy back .

mumeeee · 19/08/2009 23:56

You bought the toy as a reward for doing something you wanted her to do. So give the toy back and relax.

Bigpants1 · 20/08/2009 00:06

Please give the toy back-she did a poo-was promised a reward, and got one.
She is only just 3. My dd is 3.5, and will pee on toilet/potty-still not always reliably, but pooing is not as easy. So far, approx 3 times she has done one on the loo/potty, she has got a toy-infact, she did one this morning! But, i would never take the toy away,for messing herself the next day.
Believe me, i am no saint, and i know toilet training is a minefield and very frustrating.But, after 6 dc, i know, she will eventually get it, and so will your dd.
I agree with other posters, that the best way forward, is to relax, and if she has an accident,just clean her up. If you get cross, she will get anxious, and start holding-on.
One of my sons,ended up in hospital with chronic constipation and leakage, and i wouldnt wish that on you. But, suddenly, he just "got it", and we have never looked back.
I dont go on behaviour site very much now, as there was a lot of toilet training threads, and some people were very punitive, but could not understand it still did not bring results.(Taking a toy away is nothing-people were actively recommending shaming-especially older dc.) One woman trained her daughters, by slapping them, if they had an accident-I sincerely hope we have progessed a bit since then!
Sorry for long thread, but just wanted you to know you are not alone,and that your lovely dd will soon be peeing and pooing to her hearts content!

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