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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really need to know. To do with TRAVEL to collect my DD from XP's girlfriend's at contact weekends

23 replies

notevenamousie · 19/08/2009 16:50

I need to finally decide what I am prepared to put up with.

We lived, when together, in X--- . I moved away due to emotional abusive issues and ended the relationship, 18 months ago. I did all the travelling to enable dd to see her dad except for 4 single journeys in those 18 months, and reimbursed him the cost of those journeys.

I moved back to Y--- 2 months ago which is about an hour's journey from where we lived together. XP has sort of moved in to his girlfriend's. It is another 2 hours journey beyond our forner home. He wants to see dd every 3rd weekend. This is fine with me. He wants me to do 50% of the travelling (they have a car, we do not).

I think I shouldn't have to because he has moved that distance away and when I moved away, I did the travelling. I also will struggle to afford it. But maybe he knows, at the end of the day, that I will do it in the end because it benefits dd.

AIBU to say, I will take her as far as X---, you can do the rest?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/08/2009 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ridingjoker · 19/08/2009 17:09

he drives. you dont.

untill dd is old enough to go part or all of the journey by herself he can come collect from you..... or.... he could pay the costs of your travelling expenses to meet him.

you should not be expected to meet when you dont drive, are paying all dd living costs (is he paying maintenence), and this travelling time is eating into your "me time"

you moved 1 hr distance. thats nothing. was his choice to move a further 2 hrs and increase that to a 3 hr drive (6 hr return, have i got that right)

he should have had his daughters priorities right. not his prority over moving in with new gf which he has chosen.

if you give in to this at first hurdle he is going to expect you to continue meeting halfway....which will cause you alot of grief with making plans and arrangements of your own in the future i would guess.

winnie09 · 19/08/2009 17:14

Mousie, I don't think you should be doing it either. I think he is being unreasonable to expect it.

Original poster
notevenamousie · 19/08/2009 17:15

rj and SGM, thank you.

His GF has the car, he doesn't. Sorry, I was misleading there. I can't afford a car but I can drive, he can't drive at all.

He pays around a half of what CSA would suggest as maintenance at the moment. I don't want to create arguments. It was cut when I was living so far away. And he has not put it back up, tho I asked.

I feel guilty for wanting "me time".

OP posts:
Original poster
notevenamousie · 19/08/2009 17:16

Sorry, winne, x post - thank you. I don't want to feel like the evil bitter ex, which I am trying so hard not to be.

OP posts:
grumblinalong · 19/08/2009 17:17

DS1's dad does all the picking up/dropping off. YANBU at all to refuse to travel at a cost of your own time and money and I actually think you have been too reasonable so far. Well done for facilitating contact for your DD though.

KnickKnack · 19/08/2009 17:18

He should do all (or most)of the travelling.

winnie09 · 19/08/2009 17:19

you are not evil and bitter but I am sorry he needs to be making the arrangements to see his child. he made the choice to move so far away.

I have learnt the hard way that endeavouring to be nice and not be seen as an evil bitter ex doesn't actually help me.

KnickKnack · 19/08/2009 17:20

my ex does not have a car, I do.
He still does all the collecting (and in the general scheme of things he is usually a very unreasonable bloke)

GypsyMoth · 19/08/2009 17:27

a 6 hour round trip...twice,in a car with a girlfriend driving? dangerous.

however,he can claim a mileage allowance back from the csa if you use the agency (maybe you should start to}

a courts view would be you make available for contact,his job to collect. but they do like to see parents share.

my view,he's going to have to make some effort. presumably sundays on public transport for you would be difficult.

Original poster
notevenamousie · 19/08/2009 17:35

Difficult starts to sum it up.

I wish I knew what to do for the best. I agree it is not exactly fair for his GF - maybe they should spend some weekends at out former home... I don't know

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/08/2009 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MummyDragon · 19/08/2009 20:50

You are not an evil and bitter ex.

You are entitled to "me time" without feeling guilty about it.

Whether it's fair on his GF or not is nothing to do with you - do not waste time thinking about it.

You did all the travelling while you were living further away, and now that you've moved closer, he has chosen to move further away. So it's only fair that he does the travelling. If he wants to see DD, he will have to sort something out.

I'd be inclined to make this a formal arrangement via the CSA/solicitor tbh. No way are you being unreasonable. You are keen for him to continue to see DD, and you don't have a car - and I don't think that 6 hours travelling on trains/buses (or more, perhaps, if it's public transport versus car??) will be much fun for your DD. And what are you supposed to do while he sees DD? - sit on a train back home, then turn around and come back to collect her 3 hours later or something? Ridiculous.

Original poster
notevenamousie · 20/08/2009 12:13

Hi suggestion is that I spend the Sundays on the train, engineering works aside, for 6 hours to get here. He says it is only fair and she is a good traveller.

I guess I could. Could I ask him to fund it or part of it? Could I offer to do it alternate contact weekends? My weekend "off" is basically Saturday and that's it, every 3 weeks - and I get back a confused unsettled little toddler who finds the whole thing bewildering (as well she should - it's far, far from being her fault).

Are there other opinions? I don't have RL freinds who are terribly balanced or knowledgeabe, so a shameful bump here, for more thoughts...

OP posts:
winnie09 · 20/08/2009 15:28

mousie, 6 hrs on a train for you on your weekend off. no way. sorry if i sound harsh but if he wants to see dd he has to organise it. how it impacts onm his girlfriend is not your responsibility either. i personally think you've been accomodating enough

ridingjoker · 20/08/2009 15:37

mousie - 6 hrs on a train at your expense.

i certainly wouldn't be doing this.

does he still have the old home?did i see that mentionned somewhere? the one thats only 1 hr away?

gingernutlover · 20/08/2009 15:42

i agree it is a bit much to expect you to do the "delivery/collection" and to spend almost half your weekend doing so.

Suggest to him that he uses the house you used to share (you say this is still available?) on the contact weekends and that you will share the travel e.g. he will collect her friday night, you will go and get her sunday night, or whatever works best.

mayorquimby · 20/08/2009 16:27

i think it should be half and half. so either he collects from you and you then collect from him, or you drop her to his house and he drops her back.
or simply meet half way.

Original poster
notevenamousie · 20/08/2009 18:53

I've given a bit - will take half way. I think that's enough. I've suggested out former home but he says it is not his "home" anymore because he has a new family with GF and dd needs to be part of that family and home when possible.

Poor dd . I haven't given in yet, I think he probably knows I will because I know she needs to see him. Glad to know I am not horrible and unreasonable, many many thanks.

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 20/08/2009 19:13

Really don't give in on this. I've done all that before, let my ex walk all over me just so he wouldn't stop seeing DS but in the end he just stopped anyway. I wish I hadn't been so accomodating in the first place. A good father won't let travelling stop them seeing their child.

AnitaBlake · 20/08/2009 19:22

To be fair, you are both living a distance away from the 'original' starting point. It's unfair to ask his GF to do the driving IMO. I think your idea of half-way (or a little further in your direction) is the fairest way to do this. Niether of you have a car, so public transport is the only way.

I would suggest he meets you at a convienient bus-stop or takes over the upervision of her about a third of the journey in tbh.

mamas12 · 20/08/2009 19:32

I also think you should do a halfway there handoverBut I also think you shouldn't be doing this every weekend.
Hope you and dd can just stay at home every third weekend at least as all that travelling, Where's your life and the life of your dd?
When she is older she will have commitments on the weekends too, birthday parties, sports drama whatever so really he does need to step up and I feel you are too soft with him mousie.
easy for me to say but look at your life and cut back on the travelling.

oliviasmama · 20/08/2009 20:04

If he wants to see his daughter on a regular basis in the future he should show some initiative and get off his back side, get his driving test passed and stop putting the onus on you. He can then either borrow his girlfriends car or buy one!

It's his probelm really, unless your daughter is desperate to see her Daddy but I do think that all this travelling will be such a bore for her.

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