Am I lucky?

[thatsnotmybelly]

On three separate occasions recently I have been told I'm lucky.

1. I was out for a night out with some mum friends and I looked at my phone to see the time. Much teasing and laughter that I was "checking to see if dh needed me to go home". I laughed too, and said that short of the house burning down or a trip to A&E, there was no way dh would ask me to come home from my night out. Now, everyone knows that my children are terrible sleepers, and my 16 month old generally needs to feed to sleep if he wakes, so apparently I am 'lucky' that my dh is prepared to 'babysit' without ever calling me to come home. Would people tell dh he was lucky because he definitely wouldn't get a phonecall on the golf course asking him to come home and help with the children? I don't think so. Is it really so outside the norm for a man to be capable of looking after his children that I am lucky? That would be sad if it were true.

1. I get to go to the beautician once in a while. Apparently going for the odd pedecure while dh has the children is the ultimate luxury and I am 'lucky' that dh agrees to this .

1. Dh often gets up with the children in the morning. He works and I am a sahm, therefore apparently it is my duty to always be the first up in the morning, and I am 'lucky' that my dh is prepared to get up.

Just to make myself clear, I do feel lucky that I have a nice dh and a nice family and a nice life. But I object to being told I am 'lucky' every time my husband does anything. Of course he does loads of things around the house and with the children. We have two pre-school children ffs! There is a lot to do. I feel sad that the prevailing view seems to be that because he earns the money, everything else should fall to me.

That leaves no room for dh actually enjoying being hands on with his children.

That leaves no room for me to ever have any time to myself.

That leaves no recognition that what I do is hard work too.

AIBU? Am I lucky?

I suppose I am lucky in that I was born with a big gob and tell DP to get his finger out of his arse... for which I know that he feels extremely lucky!!

You're certainly not unlucky, but IMO we should expect to get as much free time as men do, and also hope that to some extent fathers will enjoy spending time with their children.

My exh used to get very uptight whenever I made plans to go out he would either:

a. Make plans on the same night that could not possibly be broken (work colleagues don't you know?), or a football match that was only on THAT NIGHT! and I was being unreasonable if I got upset or didn't want to change my plans because after all I could go out whenever.

Or

b. Pick a big row two days before I was going out, which ended in him threatening to leave me because he knew I was "up to something"

I once asked him why he was behaving like a sulky toddler and he burst out with "if anyone in this family is going out it should be ME". He truly believed I should just be content to sit around the house.

So no I don't think you are lucky but I do think there are a lot selfish arse husbands out there.

YANBU

This makes my blood boil almost as much as the way the media categorises any man who is seen outdoors in the company of his own offspring as a 'great dad'.

ie Jude Law kicks football at son in park - great dad. Liam Gallagher carries baby while wife carries shopping - great dad.

I can't recall ever seeing any photograph of a woman looking after her kids with a caption praising her just for being there but hey ho, men get a free pass to part time parenting it swould seem.

Lucky, yes you probably are in many ways but parenting should be a team effort. Says loads about the people who make those comments.

YANBU, my dh has never called me on a night out and asked me to come home, I hate it when I go out with friends and someone says about dh babysitting, he isn't babysitting because they are his children. When he goes out with friends I bet none of them ask him if I'm babysitting.

LMAO I could have written this thread Thatsnotmybelly!

I keep on getting told i'm lucky by the inlaws because my dh shares the childcare, housework 'lets' me go out etc. This is in comparision to my SIL's husband who is a lazy arse who never does anything and my MIL's husband who is very old fashioned.

I really resent this constant accusation that I am 'lucky' as it's said with a tone as if I am a lazy ungrateful sod. Well I AM ungrateful-why should I be 'grateful' for an equal share of the work. What I have is fair and just. I work, he works we spilt everything.

I worked hard on finding the right man and i've worked hard on my relationship as has my dh. I've never made myself small to suit a man. Unlike the women from dh's side of the family who simper and whine about their situations and yet do fuck all to change their lives.

Grrrr@ the 'babysitting'. WHY do people say that!!!

YANBU

The whole tyranny of "lucky" pisses me off.

"Lucky" is a feminist issue.

Maybe you should shoot the next person who says it to you - and explain what's wrong with the term to their still-twitching body. That'll stop 'em. And send a strong message to the others.

Sorry. Of course, I don't really think you should do that ... .

It does make me grumpy, though.

"Lucky is a feminist issue"

aye. Tis.

I guess you could say rather than your are lucky, that you are fortunate that your upbringing or life experiences have given you the skills to find a partner who is able to meet your needs as a family.

You are fortunate perhaps in that you seem to be grateful for your situation and perhaps have not had many unhappy events or if you have have had the strength to overcome them.
Either way, it sounds like you family are a family that works well.

I'm surprised by the (almost) unanimous YANBU.

I did wonder if I would be told grumpily that actually I was very lucky and why didn't I stop whinging about being lucky, and start appreciating it instead, and that people with lazy arsed dh's didn't appreciate me complaining about how good I've got it. I was hitching up my pants for a fight spirited debate.

There's still time I suppose.

thatsnotmybelly - Just to make you feel good in connection to your last post; You are being soooooo unreasonable

Seriously though, it would wind me right up. Its bad enough people telling me I'm lucky that DP has stayed with me, and is buying some of the things for baby I second cherryblossoms suggestion

YANBU
I get this all the time and it really is annoying, especially from my friends who are intelligent women, they should know better than to be grateful for their DH's taking a fair share of parenting.

In fact, I am surprised at the view on MN sometimes and have argued debated the point on here a few times when someone is told they should just feel lucky that their DH has got up with the DC and not worry that he hasn't changed their nappies, fed them or done anything, because he is just a man.

It is insulting to men too, some men enjoy being a good father and actually want to be around their own children.

enjoy