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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to finally tell my mother in law to BOGG RIGHT OFF? (even though I am way too mousey to :()

18 replies

ummingandargghing · 15/08/2009 00:34

I am a bit hacked, well alot hacked at her.

She is notorious for being a pain in the butt in the family and devisive/gossipy but today a close friend called (and spoke to hubby as I was in the shower). My friend said she had met a lady today, they began chatting and between them they worked out that they both mutually knew my mother in law.

This lady then proceeded to spout forth to my friend that she had recently seen my MIL and that my MIL had told her all bout her daughter in law who was an appalling wife, was awful with the kids etc, a terrible mother blah blah - the lady obviously had sucked it up as truth as was recounting to my friend in a very matter of fact way. My friend explained to the lady that I was her close friend (thats stopped her ).

But my friend was shocked and wanted to tell us not to cause us upset but so we knew what my MIL was saying behind our backs incase we wanted to confront her.

AIBU to want to just finally tell my MIL to take a flying hike.

My husband is raging and tried to call her. He has had strong words with her before but she doesnt change/listen.

I dont like confrontation, am quiet by nature, but there is a line and she is just trouble basically. I want to cut near enough all ties with her but HOW would I do it without looking like the bad one and Ideally I dont want the kids not to see her as that would feel mean (she is there granny after all).

What would you do

I cant lie I was a tad upset but not surprised by my friends call.

Now I just want to protect my family from her as she is very divisive. For what its worth my husband and I are very happy so she is actually just ridiculously idiotic for trying to cause endless trouble

I dont want to rise to the bait but I dont want to be a doormat.

advice please
AIBU?

Have name changed as my sis in law/some pals comes on here.

OP posts:

Fluffypoms · 15/08/2009 00:49

YANBU..
Sounds like a nasty lady!

if she is trying to upsett your family life then i make you right to tell her to feck off.sounds like you'd get your DH's backing.

TheYearOfTheCat · 15/08/2009 00:51

I would have to say something (or in the words of a congolese student 'channel it through the mouth of my husband'), but I can't think of anything suitable enough at the moment.

Perhaps something like . . 'Oh my friend met such and such the other day. It's incredible how gossipy some people are [smile, enforced laugh, innocent look]. You wouldn't believe the things she was saying about what you had to say about us!! Some people, huh!

Alternatively, you can try my method. I have just had very very tall electric gates fitted, and I screen screen screen all my calls.

As far as the kids having contact, if she is as awful as you say, do you really want her influencing them? I don't tend to let my DC see too much of their granny, as I think she is ultimately bad for their self esteem, and instead we have adopted our lovely elderly neighbour as the 'older person in their lives'.

TheYearOfTheCat · 15/08/2009 00:55

BTW, it must be horrid for you having to listen to such crap. Do your best to ignore the content as far as possible, and recognise that she must be very lacking in her own life. My technique for dealing with this sort of person, so they don't drain my emotionally, is to visualise them on a piece of paper - then I screw the piece of paper into a ball and chuck it away - sometimes hearing their little squeaking voices as I toss the paper away.

Mental, but it works for me.

thinkingoutofthebox · 15/08/2009 00:56

In my honest opinion. I would love to see her face when she finds out that she's been caught out telling the whole world her opinions about you guys.

I would for the sake of YOUR sanity and energy. let your DH deal with it. He's already tried contacting her, so you know he's going to confront her even if you don't. and then when she speaks to you about it, tell her. ....gulp ina big breath of air and give the ultimatum. 'back off or lose us all', explain it's not what you want for the children but she may leave you no choice.

But I still think you should let your husband start.

Hope this helps xx

hambler · 15/08/2009 00:58

Rise above it.
Be extra kind and nice

thedailymailiscrap · 15/08/2009 08:13

Yanbu in wanting to tell her - but full marks to your husband for being so supportive.

I'd have him do it instead - more power to his elbow if he tells her if you ever hear anything like that again, you'll cut off contact. It'll have more effect if he does it

She'll probably deny it or say it's a misunderstanding, but he can hold his ground.

superduperminder · 15/08/2009 08:27

Can I just say how nice it is ti hear of a DH who is raging at his horrible mother, instead of sticking his head in the sand when she slags off her daughter in law!

Personally I would also love to see her face when she finds out that she has been caught.

My mil once rang and left a message, didn't hang up properly and then proceeded to take the piss out of my voice on the answerphone - she was really quite nasty. Next time I saw her I causually mentioned how much I had enjoyed her impression of me and she couldn't look me the eye for about 6 months. SO satisfying!

girlsyearapart · 15/08/2009 08:44

Yes I second that about a dh being equally pissed off at his own mum. My mil can be hurtful and criticise everything I do and dh either can't see it or thinks I'm being over sensistive. Perhaps let your dh deal with her? or say i had a funny conversation with my friend the other day she says you said xyz but you couldn't possibly have said that could you?! Shame her. Puts your friend in the middle a bit though.. She must've agonised about telling you.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 15/08/2009 08:50

YANBU at all to feel like it. But don't. It won't help family relations. Put on a smile, and Rise Above It. I know that is easier said than done, but you can smile sweetly and ask her to ensure her friends do not pass on her comments to strangers in case they happen to be friends of yours, as it can cause her some embarrassment.

You are the bigger person. Unfortunately it means you need to be that way all the time. Its a cross you just have to bear.

2kidzandi · 15/08/2009 08:55

I'm wondering if your DH is an only child or an only son? MIL can be really problematic with only's wives.

KittyTN · 15/08/2009 11:39

I'm sure it must be harder for MILs with single sons but I also think MILs with only boys are probably more problematic than those who have a daughter of their own. My MIL has 2ds - I am praying that my BIL will marry and reproduce soon to divert some of the flack. OP is so lucky to have a supportive husband. My ds just says that his parents are socially inept and have no charism - an excessively generous view that I just dont buy. If DH and I could just have a moan together I think I could cope with them. OP should let DH handle whatever they decide is best. But I think if possible it would be best not to have a massive fall out. Good luck.

poshsinglemum · 15/08/2009 11:44

I would tell her you don't like her slagging you off to other people. She needs putting in her place.

picmaestress · 15/08/2009 11:58

I think sometimes in your life you have to confront people. If they think you won't challenge their horrible behaviour, they'll just carry on. You don't have to be horrible back, just tell her what she did was nasty and unacceptable, and you don't like it.
If you don't feel strong enough to say it to her face, put it in a polite letter that makes it clear how it's made you feel humiliated and attacked.
She sounds totally vile.

MaggieBeauLeo · 15/08/2009 12:12

Make her sweat. Say my friend (insert name) had an interesting little chat with (MIL's friend).... well, well, I learnt a lot about myself, but more about you really.

Then take a lemon cake out of the oven, shove a slice in her gob and wash it down with earl grey.

Beotch. but what to 'do'... NOTHING

PM73 · 15/08/2009 19:46

I would think your mil already knows she has put her foot in it as the mutual friend will no doubt have relayed back to her her conversation with your friend.

I would let your dh have a word with her & personally i wouldnt lower myself.I,myself have issues with my inlaws & so far i have kept my mouth shut,its very hard to but i keep saying to myself that i come away the bigger person.

She sounds quite horrid actually.

landrover · 19/08/2009 19:51

yanbu

saggyhairyarse · 19/08/2009 21:35

I think there comes a point though when you can't keep not saying anything.

Your husband needs to speak to her. It's missing the point to try and stop her talking badly about you. He needs to ask her why she feels like that about you. And he needs to tell her why he married you, that you are a good mother to his children/her grandchildren and that he won't tolerate her behaviour anymore.

And, yes, by all means wait for him to have his word but when you see her next I think you should tell her that she has hurt your feelings.

choosyfloosy · 19/08/2009 21:46

I don't actually think your friend has done you much of a favour tbh, except in defending you to her other friend. I would say leave it, and work towards your children having a regular time to see your MIL if she/they would like that, perhaps without you? Or a phone relationship if the distanceis long? You don't have to be best buddies but I would stay on speaking terms if you can.

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