Grandparents lack of caring

[teadrinker]

This is my first go here so apologies in advance.

I'm trying so hard not to be bitter but am failing. My parents seem to want nothing to do with my kids. They don't visit and even bought a house miles away from us so we 'wouldn't use them as babysitters'. They never have!

They blame ill health but are able to travel many miles when it suits them. My brother lives further away and yet they see him and his kids. I get annoyed (never to them) as all my mother talks about are his kids.

I find myself envying people who have grandparents picking their kids up at the school regularly. Mine have never been to a concert, sports day or anything like that.

My kids are too young to really care and I don't emphasize it but worry they will grow to resent it.

I never saw my Gran much as my Dad fell out with her (no idea why). He's not a people person to be honest but it saddens me that Mum was and she has become more like him now.

Recently lost my last Aunt who I was fond of and my FIL who was sweet but had Alzheimers for years. Neither lived nearby but we saw more of them than my parents.

Can anyone offer advice?

Moondog - I can't remember the exact details of the conversation between my DH & MIL now - however she was very defensive and argumentative with my DH (who is a softy most of the time), which ended in my DH saying it was clear where her priorities lay.

She was totally remorseless that she would be missing my DS's birthday, and seemed to be making a point that she intended to spend the day with SIL & her children. Of course, I doubt it was coincidence that SIL invited my MIL to spend the day with her on my DS's birthday. Actually, it was a much, much nicer day without her (uncharacteristically commented on by both my Mum & sister).

Anyhow, her loss. The worst thing is that we are still expected to attend family events, for appearances sake. Their are only so many work engagements and mysterious illnesses I can rely on.

Are your brothe's kids older? It may be that your mum and dad are not that into very young kids but may show more of an interest as your kids get older

Hi

Looks like there are lots of us in the same boat....so if it's any comfort you're not alone. My parents (not together) each seperately aren't grandparents in the idealistic way we always hoped for. Seeing their grandchildren as little as possible - none of the grandchildren know that they are their grandparents (they don't live that far away)....

We are lucky, however, that my in laws adore their grandson - unfortunately they live in Scotland so can rarely get to see him. So no babysitters for us!

I don't think there is anything you can do to change things to be honest, they are what they are...all you can do is 'force' the children onto them - i.e when they visit 'pop to the shops' for a couple of hours to force their hand a bit.

Trouble is I'm very 'into' friends kids. We had a traditional party for dd yesterday. I (and I hope they) had a ball.

Maybe I overcompensate to make sure I'm not like my parents. We are all products of our upbringing but its up to us not to keep repeating mistakes.

My Mum told me over and over of her horrible childhood, bemoans my Gran not doing much with me and db but fails to see the irony of her doing what seems like exactly the same thing.

I love my parents and don't think they are bad people. They just have the wrong (in my opinion) priorities.

As you can see you are not alone.....my mother has never looked after our dc's, now aged 14 and 10 (nor my sister's children so no discrimination there). My PIL's did once for a day whilst we went to a wedding, and did a few times for my SIL's children.

I don't stress about it anymore, you just have to rely on friends and babysitters. It's a shame though, as the grandparent/grandchild relationship can be so good. I got on well with my maternal grandparents, and wish that my children could have the same, but they can't and you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to.

Help not freely given isn't really help at all!

very sad

Just thought I'd add in a thought from a grandchild's point of view - when I was little my dad's parents had nothing to do with us. My dad is the eldest of 14 and they ended up with 42 grandchildren, but me and my brother were the first. They didn't approve of our family because my dad gave up catholicism. I know it hurt my mum a lot to see how much time they spent with our cousins, taking them on holidays, even paying school fees etc, when we never even got cards on our birthdays. My dad pretended not to be bothered. But I have to say that I don't feel I've suffered at all. As lots of the other posters have said, there are other much better relationships to be had with family friends, neighbours etc that you choose to be with, and who choose to be with you, rather than just spending time with you because you'r blood and they feel obliged. We had a lot of people in our lives who loved us and although I'm very grateful now that my boys have four grandparents who love them and want to be with them, I got by with just one grandma, and my younger sister got by with none, as they'd all passed away by the time she was 3. Your children will be fine, it sounds like you are a happy, caring family and will be able to give them as much love as they need.

yanbu