to not want my elderly father to come and live with us?

[AbbyLubber]

He's in his mid-80s, and has just lost my mother. He wants to emigrate to England from a much warmer, cheaper country and move in with us.

I love him, and I really want to help, but I'm very uncomfortable with the idea.

He won't know anyone here but us. He never does or can respect anyone's limits. He's interfering, bossy, and pretty tyrannical. We don't have much in common - his idea of heaven is motor sports on tv, and we're all musicians. Which also means we work from home... a concept utterly unknown to him. He won't consider living nearby - and if he did he'd still come around to us 24/7. He's impervious to hints and the children (now early teens) would have no privacy at all - it would really put their home at risk. But I can't turn him down either. What should I do? Or say? Please don't just scream at me for being callous. I can do that myself.

No no no no no don't do it - definitely not even as a trial, as it will just last forever, He needs to learn to live alone, no matter how terrifying it might be.

You say your mum has just died, it's not the right time to be making far reaching decisions. You seem fairly certain it won't work for you so, painful as it may be, you need to say no. Maybe he could come for a visit (and see what your life is really like - he won't have any real idea of the day to day stuff if he lives in another country) and hopefully see for himself that it won't work, but the bottom line is that if he can't see that for himself you will have to tell him, as gently as you can, that it's not an option.

I am permanently racked with guilt that my 84 year old father is in an aged care facility while I am on the other side of the world. I am going to visit him in a couple of weeks for the first time in two years. Sometimes life sucks.

Hi, sunnydelight and giantkatestacks. it's good in a way to know others are going through the same thing. Sunny, don't feel guilty. My own guilt is similar, but I also know it's stupid - my grandparents didn't live with us either., and while my greatgrandmother did live with her fmialy, my own mother HATED it. Not sure there's ever been a time when this was a nobrainer.

And everyone, huge thanks. Does anyone have a link to the MIL thread you mentioned?

Here you are