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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am but i need a general kick up the arse ladies.

20 replies

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 19:11

Ok making it as short but informative as possible here we go.

I had a very long online relationship with someone and we then met up, spent a wonderful and glorious afternoon and then night together then part of the following day. We then said out goodbyes and he went back to wales. It was the hardest thing in the world to say bye and i was so sad for days.

I am with someone and have been for a few years, we have a child together and i have a ds from previous relationship. He loves me, and all he is meant to iyswim?

However this other guy after spending so long telling me he still wanted me has found a g'f, ok i know i am with someone. But when i saw pics of them together it really wrenched my heart out. I am pining for him yet it IS dp i love, I don't know if it is because I am fed up with being indoors with the dc while he is at work or some of the other things that are bothering me.

This guy went to a festival and has bought me and ds1 a t-shirt each cos he knew we would like them....he said he always thinks of us.

Ladies what is wrong with me????????

OP posts:

MamaG · 11/08/2009 19:13

Nothing is wrong with you: I think the thing with your ex always felt a bit "unfinished" and while he was single, it must have felt nice that he was there as a back up. That sounds awful, but subconsiously I bet thats what you were feeling.

Give it a bit of time, you might find that you can continue your friendship on a safer, more even keel

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 11/08/2009 19:14

classic situation of not appreciating what you already have, sorry.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 11/08/2009 19:14

sorry, that sounds so blunt reading it back!
before you all jump on me, will explain in a (third) post

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 11/08/2009 19:17

What I mean was (and I seem to have had my softness chip removed and everything I say at the min is a bit blunt!) - loads of women i know in RL have this kind of situation, and get that pang of regret at what may have been. The issue is whether you do anything about it - if you back off (and so does this guy) you'll get chance to reassess what you actually have with your DP iyswim

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 19:30

Silly thing is we live so far apart we both know it would never work. We only stay in touch online, and the very very occassional text message, but they are so few and far between...

Also he is a bit younger than me so maybe i like that too ...

OP posts:

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 11/08/2009 19:48

At the end of the day, would you want to lose your partner over this? And how would you feel if the tables were turned, and he were the one pining over a another woman?

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 19:51

i know all that elf and i would hate it! I would not want to lose him over this guy. I think I am having a midlife crisis while in my 30's lol

OP posts:

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 11/08/2009 19:56

lol
a bit of distance will give you clarity, I know this guy is miles away, but if you are in regular contact, it just stokes the flames

motherbeyond · 11/08/2009 20:01

have you 'done anything' with the online guy?

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 20:02

Elf, thats the whole point we can and have gone months without any contact and then one of us drops the other a line and its like we have always been in touch. When i told him i was pg with ds2 he totally got upset, you could hear it in his voice....but he got over it. And on the whole it is just a platonic friendship but i think the feelings are there underlying for both of us.

OP posts:

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 20:04

Mother

yes we had a long online relationship and then eventually met up. we have been friends for 9 years. TBH when we chatted online all those years there was nothing that could have been interpreted as anything more than 2 friends talking, but when we met there were certainly fireworks.

OP posts:

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 11/08/2009 20:11

You have to think about it this way - if you DP were doing this, you would not be happy, and would feel betrayed. Would you still trust him, even if nothing happened, knowing that he was emotionally involved with somebody else? Its not a brilliant rule but I try to think in my relationship what I would and would not expect from DH which helps my compass.

lisad123 · 11/08/2009 20:14

the only reason you ike him is he is new and intresting and its all the butterfly feelings you get in anew reltionship. Trust me its not worth risking what you have with your dp/h for something that wont last the test of time.

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 20:17

Elf, you are so right.I also think that the stress I am going through at the moment makes him appealing, when i was with him there was no stress iyswim?

Lisa, yes thats what i was trying to say its the butterflies.....

OP posts:

lisad123 · 11/08/2009 20:19

but the butterflys never last, always gives in the comfetableness, knowing each other well enough to not have to ask, and they warm feeling when you know they know you better than anyone

NanaNina · 11/08/2009 20:20

Dear HSB - so sorry you are feeling low about things just now. I think you were probably flattered at having a "secre someone" with whom you could interact quite safely (online) and then one very successful meeting. I'm sure he was flattered by your attention too. The trouble is the GF isn't it?

You say "when you saw the pictures" - did you find out through FB or something similar. Have you talked with him about this GF..........not sure where she fits in timewise to your meeting.

i think you are reacting quite naturally to the "loss" of this man, especially as there were fireworks when you met. BUT as you already know I think, you have to moooooove on and put him on the back burner as it could threaten what you have at home which sounds good.

Grieve for your loss quietly and try to keep yourself busy so that there is less timefor this to keep going on in your head.

And "motherbeyond" have a little tact. If HSB had wanted to say anything about this she would have done.

The feelings you have now will pass but it will take time...........be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself

whoisasking · 11/08/2009 20:33

Oh Hurting!

Love is such a complex thing. I am in a slightly similar position as you, and can relate. I am now putting on my sensible hat:

I think that these feelings are probably partially to do with the "uattainability" (Is that even a word? If not it should be!) of this other person. You say that you both recognise that you can't be together, that it would never work. This can be a powerful dynamic. It conjures great romance, and feelings of unreality. You say that you are happy and in love with your partner. This is a good thing, but maybe something is lacking? Something that you could explore?

I feel your pain! I am in a relationship, albeit a fairly crappy and disconnected one, and yet I yearn for someone else. Every move forward that he makes (away from me) hurts a little bit more, and the day I found out his DP was pregnant was truly a day I'd rather forget.

I hope you find some peace, but I'm sitting here at my PC, sending you "I know how you feel" vibes!

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 20:40

NanaNina,

You have got it spot on. I was flattered when we finally met, and with the attention.

I did see them via FB, and that was hard or rather it hurt. He has only just met her in the last few months.

We have kind of spoken and he said it was nothing serious, just a bit of fun and that there was only room in heart for one person and "You should know who that is by now"

I have not made an issue of any of this and have only spoken about it here tonight.

Thanks for your understanding xx

OP posts:

Original poster

HurtingSoBad · 11/08/2009 20:43

WHo, tbh i think it is the fact dp is working such long hours that we barely see eachother. Last night he finished at 1am, by which time i was shattered...have ds1 11 with behavioural problems to cope with and ds2 who is an angel in comparison. but still can be challenging at 23m.

OP posts:

whoisasking · 11/08/2009 20:54

Well, you know that this is an issue? Have you spoken to your DP about this? I honestly think that this whole situation could be an opportunity for you to shine a light into your current (and real) relationship with your DP and to maybe address the things that are making you crave something else.

oh, and have a

PS: (I love doing Ps's - you really have a full plate right now don't you? do you have some RL friends who can trust enough to blurt all this out to? Over a large bottle of wine preferably)

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