To be fed up of being asked when/ whether I want children?

[iggypiggy]

Possibly strange question on MN... and also am aware I might not be thinking 100% rationally about this but... anyway - talk sense into me...

I got married last year - and all I am ever being asked by people is if I am planning on having children and when!!!! In the last two days I have been asked 3 times... and I am not exaggerating when i say it get asked at least once a week by someone - regardless of how well I know them.

Apparently this is an acceptable question?! But what answer are people expecting? Do people often discuss plans for a family in detail with anyone and everyone? How do people know that they are not putting their foot in it massively when they ask this?!

I have totally had enough of saying 'oh maybe one day - but I've got lots else to think about for now...'

I am aware that this is particularly sensitive for me ask I had an MC on Easter Sunday and have been ttc ever since... (hence presence on MN with all the lovely people on here that support me through everything) But - from my own personal experience these are all of the reasons I couldn't answer truthfully:

1. Before the mc we were ttc but didn't want to share with people in case there were problems (and didn't want people to keep asking)
2. I was only just pregnant - so couldn't answer in case anything went wrong
3. I'd just had an MC and really didn't want to shre that..
4. I am still ttc and it's not happening yet and I am miserable so stop bloody asking...

in the future I guess the answer could also be - we can't have children....

So AIBU to be so sensitive? Is it actually an ok question to ask? Would any of you be happy to answer it before you had children?

Is such a personal question - surely people should never ask?? They will be told if someone wants them to know?

Sorry - have just been asked again and think it has sent me over the edge...

I always used to WANT to reply "Just as soon as my knackered ovaries magically start working again, we'll get right on it!"

Of course I never did...

mil is the worst culprit as well - and she has 3 gc already

where my parents have never asked me or dh yet - for which i love them - and they have no gc

though i know my M&D would love to be gp's and would offer to bs etc

YANBU at all to be fed up with it. It's an incredibly personal question when you think about the reasons that can lie behind someone not having produced a baby nine months after their wedding day (or nine years).

It does depend a lot on who asks the question. Random strangers, you may just want to kill. When I was TTC my lovely boss responded to me being fed up with work by lightheartedly saying 'you should have a baby, go on maternity leave!' Ah, I said, it doesn't seem to be that straightforward ... she was mortified, but as I liked her it wasn't so bad, and it was good to have someone at work know what was going on (she ended up being the third person I told when I got pregnant).

If I knew how to cultivate my 'back off' vibe I'd tell you all - surprisingly few people ever asked this question, and an even more surprisingly low number have asked 'when are you having another one' (I'm not).

It doesn't stop when you have a child either, people are constsantly asking when the next one will come along or if you are going to stop there or if you are going to "go again". If you are sick or put on weight they think you have "something to tell them".

chandon you are right - in someways I really want to tell people - but then again.. I don't want thier pity if nothing ever happens for us... i have spend my life up to age 30 saying I don't want children (this is probably payback... i am 33 now) - I kind of don't want the intrusion into my personal life...

pjmamma ha - i agree - that would be a good response!

blondes neither of our parents have GCs and we are the only ones likely to produce any in the near future - but bless them they never ask or put pressure on us... I know they would love it..

dontcallmebaby I need your vibe! I am apparently totally fair game - even after saying that I don't want them for pretty much all of my life this far! My boss asks me almost every month if am pregnant and then tells me that I'd better not get pregnant cos they need me at work - gotta love her...

crocky I can imagine... sigh...

YANBU

I got really fed up being asked when we were going to have kids after we got married, and I answered an honest 'we'll let nature take it's course' and we were very luck it did quite quickly. But I also had on mind what if it doesn't, I think I would've liked to be able to take the lie/shock tactic, and say 'I don't want any'. And then when you do have one, all people ask you is when you'll have another.

My brother got married last year and he's 36, his wife 37, my Mum is always going on about how she hopes they will have some. We are a very open family and would probably talk about it if there were problems, but her brother can't have any with his wife and when I asked my SIL about it she said it was not talked about but they all knew it wasn't possible.

I want to tell my Mum I overheard my SIL at her hen do telling her friend they would TTC, but I don't want her to go on even more.

iggypiggy I hope it happens soon fro you, and all works out, just remember if it does, you'll be fighting off the when are you going to have another questions as soon as it pops out!

Oh it drives me mad as well, it's just such a rude question to ask. It really upsets me and we're not even trying at the mo - I hate to think what it must be like when you've been trying for a while or have MCed.

A male colleague was the most recent person to ask me the other day and I just changed the subject altogether. I just couldn't think of any kind of response I wanted to share with him. I probably should get less sensitive about it!

next time a man asks

ask him if he wants anymore, and if they say no

then reply, go and have a snip then

bet they will shut up

And if it's a woman?

tubes cut

dont know

was replying to emnotpgyet post about males

my sister lived in norway, where it is totally normal to discuss these things with only casual friends, it's just a topic of conversation that often comes up, a bit like, 'oh, are you thinking of redecorating' when someone moves house.

however, having gone through years of ttc, all sorts of medical stuff, ivf etc, it was a very sensitive issue for me. i coped ok with the casual Q, which i took to answering with a firm 'no' and looking them straight in the eye.

it was the people who didn't then back off & kept on about 'oh you should have kids' etc etc. or if i felt ill, would start nudging & winking. honestly, they obviously don't have much going on in their lives, if the pregnancy of a work mate/casual friend is a big piece of news.
YANBU

kickassangel - it was the second type of questioning that sparked me to post I think! It's the going on about it that's hard - i can deflect a casual enquiry fast - but the probing ones are v. distressing sometimes..#

Sadly am v. oversensitive about the particular questioner because she announced her second pregnany the week i would have announced mine if i hadn't MC'd a 10 weeks... And her EDD is 2 days from what mine would have been... sigh... and she did go on and on and on about how I might not want to leave it too late etc etc..

I kind of think IANBU but equally they ANBU either!

thanks all for replies - you have made a hormal witch feel better

or hormonal even...

You are totally NBU. These questions used to drive me mad after we got married. It took me 3 years to get pregnant and I had two miscarriages during that time. If someone asked me that question on a bad day I'd tell them what was happening and they'd wish they hadn't said anything.

Close friends asking was ok because we could chat about stuff openly. But complete strangers - none of their business!

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, it can be such a difficult time. Fingers crossed for you and good luck in the future.

Thanks whistlejacket (love that painting)

I do get tempted to say stuff... but then I kind of don't... Glad to hear you did get PG though... I think am in pit of hopelessness at the mo!

People sometimes really just don't think before they open their mouths. I've had people ask me when we're going to have a second, even though they know all about DH's cancer and ongoing chemotherapy. And people who don't know us well enough to know what we've been through certainly don't know us well enough to ask if we're ttc. You never know what kind of nerve you might hit, so unless you know someone well enough to know it won't upset them, don't ask!
Anyone who goes on to dig themselves a hole by saying you might be leaving it too late etc really needs a smack with the reality stick!

iggypiggy - I'm expecting number 3 now! I never would have thought it after being in that same pit of hopelessness. It's really hard to imagine having a baby when it's not happening but stay strong.

(painting is on my wall! Not the real one of course )

That is lovely I hope it happens for me too.

Whistlejacket is on my wall too