Are there no more thank-you notes?

[peachyfox]

For the last three years DP and I have taken his nieces and nephews on holiday - a special holiday just for them as we don't have kids yet. Otherwise they wouldn't have one. We pay for the whole thing, and this is sometimes v. expensive, villas with pools abroad, etc. This year was a bit crap, because I'm nearly due, and we had them here at home, but still took them out and did stuff, beach, windsurfing, lots of treats, etc.

They all said thank you very nicely and both sets of parents thanked us.

We've never had a note. Are there no more thank you notes?

We always had to write thank you notes at Christmas and birthdays etc. I hated doing it, and my mum would have to harangue remind us day after day, making us get 2 or 3 done at a time, to thank distant aunts and uncles for their stationary/dolls in national dress/bath foam etc. But I have to say, it taught me to write letters properly and as it was expected, they were absolutely right to make me do it.

Perhaps I'm just old-fashioned but I thought notes were important.

Hmmm...if both the children and the parents have verbally thanked you, what is the purpose of the card?

I was thinking about thank-you notes today!

I had to do them as a child for Christmas & birthday presents that were sent through the post. However I doubt if Dh's parents ever made him send any and I've never had one from any of his siblings' offspring...

As a parent it is a real pain though unless you have a child who loves writing and tbh I think parents often make their children do it for the benefit of other parents iyswim - to show off their children's good manners... it wouldn't occur to most children to send one unprompted!

I have an elderly relative who often sends a thank you card or letter if she has visited for a few days - I think she is a bit OTT tbh. I know she once berated another relative for not sending out thank-you cards for baby presents - the poor woman was suffering from PND and I'm sure had enough on her plate...

Do your nieces & nephews send thank-you notes for presents? If they do and they have verbally thanked you for the holiday I think that should be enough...

I think I remember your original thread about the holiday plans. How did it go?

i was just thinking of this today as I was thinking back to the number of birthdays ds has been to recently where no thank you note came for the present. I was trying to decide if I was being ungracious in wanting a thank you or if i am right to expect ds1 and 2 to write thany you notes for all party gifts and gifts given by people not seen at the time of giving.

Thanks Grapefruit, yes I posted about the holiday plans. We usually take them somewhere really nice - but this year because I'm 36 weeks pregnant, we had them over to stay with us. We live by the sea. I suppose perhaps they were a bit disappointed not to go abroad, but mainly we wanted to give the mum and grandma a break. They had fun though, we took them windsurfing, to the beach, pier, stuck them on overpriced rides and gave them all the cola and ice cream they could eat. I hoped for a bit more enthusiasm from them - but then that's teenagers for you I suppose!

My dad called me this morning to 'remind' me to send the family friend we had lunch with yesterday a thank you note. Now that's excessive! (not least since I'm 41).

Missmap, my LO will be writing thank you notes as soon as he is able, for sure, bugger what anyone else does. We don't get or expect notes from them for birthday and christmas presents, but the holiday is quite a special thing (we don't have a holiday ourselves because of it) and I just think a little extra effort wouldn't have gone amiss.

But reading the above it's clear that it depends what you've grown up with, it must seem an awful fag to lots of people. DP would laugh his socks off if I talked about this to him, he doesn't see it as important at all. But then his parents never made him do anything he didn't want to do or told him off (which hasn't made him very easy to live with incidentally ).

Actually I suppose deeper down I'm a bit cross with DP (it's his family) who doesn't really appreciate how much effort these things take when you're enormously pregnant and would rather curl up with a book than pick up pants and churn out endless vats of spag bol... He didn't even thank me..

i think YABU a verbal thanks is fine and doesn't need a note in addition

I love sending thank you notes, I think it is becoming a dying tradition. I think people love getting a personal letter in the post.

Some relatives on my husband's side don't see the point but I do and don't want anyone feeling unappreciated by us. It is vital to acknowledge people's efforts.

Not sure if thsi is relevant but we (,yself, DP and DS) went to stay with a friend of mine who I have'nt seen for a few years and his wife for a long weekend last week and I was thinking about sending a little thank you card, but I thought I might look a bit daft.

Would you send one even though I said thanks etc?

I do thank you texts or e-mails and encourage my children to do the same. I'm afraid I don't see what is so morally superior about posting a card. In the circumstances you describe I would probably have collected my kids with a nice bottle of wine or some flowers for you, but each to his own. The important thing is to say thank you, it doesn't matter about the format.

Sunny - I don't think it is a morally superior thing to do but a "nice" personal thing to do. It is more effort to sit and write a letter to somebody than it is to send a quick email or text.

If I get thank you or birthday texts it is nice but I always appreciate cards more - it says to me that the person went to the effort just for me and that makes me feel valuable to them.

mamadiva - send her a little card - she will appreciate it.

Those of you who don't do thankyou notes if you've said it verbally do you mean saying thankyou when someone hands the present over or would they be there when the present was opened and then thanked for it?

Also if a parcel is sent via someone else or the post do you think a phone call to say thankyou is ok?

I don't think notes are needed if you have been thanked personally. I think a personal thank you is much nicer than a cold note, to be honest. Quite often I have brought a present for a friend's LO which they haven't even opened when I'm there - so I can't even see the little look of surprise when they frst see it and I don't see them playing with it. And then about a week or so later I get a note in the post thanking me for the present. That leaves me very cold. I would have much preferred it was opened there and then and to have seen the happy faces of Mum and LO.When we were children we were always told to phone relatives who sent us presents. I think they appreciated this much more than a note in the post. Seems a bit distant to me.
But if you don't thank someone in person for something, then yes, of course a note is essential.

I think that JUST sending a text or email to say thank you is lazy, to be honest, and therefore comes across as unappreciative. If people don't thank the present giver personally, then I think a card is the least they can do.

I finished writing 85 thank you notes for wedding gifts last week. I was truly fed up by the end but would never not do it.

Why would a note be cold?

I think a note, particularly if a photo with a message scribbled on the back, or a little drawing from the child, is a lovely thing to have, or stick on the fridge or whatever.

Coldness could only ever come from the deliverer of the thanks, not the format.

Wedding gifts are a different matter, though, because you get so many amid such a chaotic time and don't get the chance to realise what everyone has bought you until you have the chance to sit down after the wedding/honeymoon and look at them all in detail. So yes, after weddings, thank you cards are essential, I think.

Also, there's a scale thing involved here. If I do some small thing wrong, I apologise. If I really bugger up, I would apologise and then I would probably try to do something really nice for that person, so that they know my words were not formulaic but heartfelt.

A note, IMO, is cold, because a verbal thank you is so much more, well, personal.
Older relatives, in particular, I'm sure would prefer to hear a little child's voice on the phone, chatting to them and telling them what else they got as presents.

"Coldness could only ever come from the deliverer of the thanks, not the format."

Don't agree. So do you think a thank you email or text is sufficient?
Hardly.

I'm a massive supporter of thank you notes. It takes a couple of minutes to write one and it shows you appreciate the thought. I think they're especially important if a gift has arrived in the post because otherwise how would the sender even know you received it?

I don't just write them for presents, but also for nice days out, dinner parties, a thoughtful gesture etc etc. Much better than a status update on facebook.

I was also forced to write them as a child, but my husband wasn't and always thinks I'm a bit odd for doing it. Oddly, though, my mother-in-law writes lovely thank you notes.

They thanked you in person. The parents thanked you. Why a note? If someone came round for your birthday and said "Happy Birthday" to you would you still expect a birthday card? I know people do it, especially with children, but I always think it's daft.

I don't use thank you letters just for presents. I use them for a variety of things from hospitality to friendship acknowledgements.

I am always personal in my letter content according to my relationship with the recipient and always add a wee touch about my news to remove the coldness from it.

cthea, because of the enormous effort we made!

A birthday card or present is a bit different to weeks of holiday (sorry should add I am the op, namechanged in case mum read it - i know it is not everyone's habit and in no way a reflection of how genuinely grateful she was)

Gateau, my point was notes aren't cold unless you make them that way. Although in fact, in this case, an email would have been nice from the kids.

But they all thanked you already. There won't be an equivalent effort in saying thank you. In fact I think it's easier to be sweet and emotional in writing than it is in person, so if they sounded genuinely thankful in person this should be enough. They may mention it again every time you meet. They may be talking about you gratefully to all their friends etc.

Disagree again maki, but it really does';t matter; it's hardly worth arguing about as it's all a matter of personal opinion.
It's cards in essence, as the sole way of saying thank you, no matter what way they are delivered that I find cold.
In answer to your OP, you sound as if you want them to get down on bended knee and thank you for your efforts. Best not to bother in future, I think.