To expect my MIL not to leave my under-10s home alone??

[weegiemum]

I posted this in 'Relationships' earlier, but didn't get a lot of responses so I thought I would grit my teeth and post here!

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So we have spent the weekend with MIL who is not the easiest and can be very inconsistent. But it was actually pretty good, she was doing well (and therefore so was I, as I hadn't got cross all weekend!!)

This morning we went to her church. Dh and I stayed behind afterwards to talk to a few of his old friends, and MIL took the kids home to hers. When we got home we discovered she had walked to the corner shop 5 minutes away with our ds(7) and left the girls at her house (9 and 5). When we arrived our daughters were in the house alone with food on the cooker top and in the oven.

To aggravate it, dd2 has a problem with her hip which means that despite the fact she is as mobile as the next child, she is not allowed to hop, jump, skip, run etc. When I got in both girls were bouncing on the sofa. This activity for dd2 could lead to a break, a dislocation or an operation later in the year to repair damaged bone. She tries very hard to live by her restrictive rules, but sometimes forgets, especially when unsupervised. I thought MIL might have understood this - she used to be a nursery teacher for children with special needs, mainly mobility/physical!

It was not even as if (though it would not have made any difference about how wrong I think it is) it was for something essential, it was for icecream.

I'm . Dh agrees that it should be him to speak to her about it. We have had no time to do it today as just as we realised what had happened his brother and family arrived and then not long after lunch we had to leave to come home (booked on a ferry).

Am I right to be shocked or am I over-reacting?

YANBU to not want your children to be left alone but it was only a minor transgression and I'm sure you can sort it out with a quiet word from DH. Definitely don't cancel the trip.

Poor you.

it's not actually illegal to have left them - it only becomes illegal if something were to have happened and it was deemed that you (or the responsible adult) had knowingly left them in a dangerous situation. Scottish law is very pragmatic in that respect.

Now the fact that the hob was left on and your dd2 was particualry vulnerable to being injured means that if something had happened.......

I think your dh needs to take it up with her (once he has calmed down) and gently point that you are both concerned about the fact that the children were left, particularly given dd2's condition. At this stage, don't mention the Ocotber Week and see if she expresses any contrition. If she doesn't, your dh needs to be more direct and say specifically that you both need to be confident that she will keep a closer eye on them when they go to stay.

At the same time, start sounding out anyone else you could leave them with

Not in a million years would I leave leave them, no and you are right to be upset. I am not denying I would be really angry, but MN is good in that people will give you advice of how you should handle something rather how we instinctively feel about it iyswim

Your DH needs to be very clear about what he is saying, for you to trust your MIl again you will need to feel that she will not do anything like this again.

I really can understand your anger and reluctance to let her look after your DC in October, but as I said earlier, for me, it would all depend on how she reacts to your DH bringing it up with her. I would also be tempted to have your own 'chat' at a later date to reiterate what your DH has said and to reassure yourself he has taken it seriously.

tell me again IANBU!

I wouldn't leave my dcs with my MIL for a week following something like this. It is one thing to leave them and go out, it is a completely different thing to leave them alone with the cooker on.

You need to speak to her to understand why she did it and then you will be in a better position to decide whether they stay with her again.

I would be either cancelling my holiday or buying my dcs flights unless I was given very strong reassurance that it wouldn't happen again (and even then I'd be worried).

Could you leave them with her in October, but also get a local babysitter to help her out with them in the day.

We did this when we went to a party and felt our 3 were too much for my aged parents to handle, so we used Sitters agency and someone came out to help give them supper and put them to bed.

YANBU to be upset. If your dd didn't have hip problems I would just put it down to a generation gap thing-5yrolds walked to school on their own in their day.
However, she knew about the hip so it's shocking but I'd just phrase it putting the blame on dds eg 'you know they're far to immature to be left on their own' and repeat the possibility of her breaking a leg a lot.
My mum looked after my 3 (4yrold twins and 7yrold with mild special needs) overnight recently and she is 62. She is a capable fit women who worked as a child minder, but she was exhausted and that was after less than 24 hrs. It is a huge thing to ask and I think you need to organise friends/relatives/babysitters to give her breaks if she's going to look after them for that long.
Your trip sounds great and I hope you can sort this out.