to not take my nephew sightseeing? Sorry it's long.

[Rosesinautumn]

O.k so a bit of background. Towards the back end of last year we were visiting my bonkers SIL in Germany for a couple of days and I had a conversation with my DN whereby he was saying he was really excited about coming to our place and listing all the places he wanted to go in London. I was a little bemused by this as I wasn't aware of any impending visit so I asked DH about it and he had no idea what he was talking about either. So we asked SIL who laughed and said that DN had 'ruined the suprise' and went and got their flight details to show us. They had booked flights to London for the half term holidays on the assumtion that they would stay with us and we could take them round to sightsee. Except that, not knowing that they were even thinking of coming, we had also booked a holiday that week. All was not lost however as they were arriving on the friday night and we were flying the saturday morning so we offered them the use of our house and they would just have to do the sights on their own.

A few weeks later they arrived (and were monumental arseholes on arrival, but lets not rake that muck) and I was asking DN what they were planning to do first, to which SIL answered that they wouldn't be sightseeing as she had 'seen all the places before and didn't want to see them again' and 'taking children round a city is too much hard work' (her DS's are 9 and 14 btw) and she and BIL wanted to go shopping. It did cross my mind that this was a little selfish but it's their life, their kids so whatever.

Right, so a couple of weeks ago SIL rang up to give me DN's(14) flight details....eerr say what? SIL had booked flights for DN to come and stay with us for 10 days, again without bothering to ask us whether it was it was ok. I can't say I was thrilled by this prospect as I have two DS's of my own who are 4 and 2 and have no idea how to entertain teenagers and can't imagine why said teenager would want to hang out with toddlers for over a week but in the interest of familial harmony I thought 'suck it up and get on with it, it will be good for DS's to spend time with their cousin as we don't see them all that often'. He arrived on Friday night. Saturday we went to the park, today we've been swimming, all normal activities for us but DN is not happy. He complained to DH this evening that he was bored and said that he had 'plans' for his time here and when were we going to start doing the things he wanted to do? Namely, sightseeing - the London Eye, London Dungeon, Museum's, Buck Palace, etc, etc. A couple of problems with this....

One, we are brassic at the minute and I'm not talking 'just don't really feel like spending the money' skint but 'just cancelled my mobile phone contract, sold some jewellrey, set up a ebay account to sell crap desirable items from round the house', skint! Excluding our weekly swimming trip, DH and I had already decided to have an ice cream summer. Basically if a trip out cost us more than the price of some ice creams, then we're not doing it. This is no real hardship to my lads as they're at the age where a trip to the city farm or climbing trees in the park is the stuff of dreams anyway. Yes, I know, stop shouting that 'there's plenty of free sightseeing to be done Museum's etc' because this brings me to the second problem.....

DH works 2 jobs during the week and has to catch up on paperwork at the weekends so hasn't the time and I am 5 months pregnant, have chronic SPD and just don't feel I could physically cope with both DS's in the crowds, on public transport and chasing round museum corridors (I'm blessed with the kind of lads who would much rather be running, climbing, hiding blah, blah, blah, than looking at stuff) for several hours, on my own. Infact I'm positive it would cripple me, a couple of hours down the park had me almost in tears so a whole day would be agony.

The only other person who could do it is my BIL but he doesn't get on with his sister and had already said that he's not even going to visit DN, nevermind take him out. DH is going to ask round at work and see if anybody would help out but we're not holding our breath (I mean why would they?). I can't help feeling a bit bad for DN (even though he's being a bit of a shit typical teenager ) but DH reckon's I shouldn't as we didn't promise him anything and it's SIL who is BU by expecting us to do something that she wasn't prepared to do herself.

So I ask you, is it reasonable to tell DN that he's just going to have to hang out with us and if he's bored, he's bored or should I brave one trip to the ninth circle of hell city centre?

I would do it Quint, but she's likely to refuse to pick them up from the airport!!....I'm not joking either....she really is that bonkers, i've seen her not feed her own 4yr old child for over 10hrs on a road trip we took together in France a few yrs ago because she didn't like any of the service stations/resturants and would only eat food bought from Carrfore. Mad I say, Maaaaaad!

Given that your SIL didn't consult you, why bother about consulting her? From what you have said your DN is both willing and capable to go and do stuff by himself, so let him.

Quint not Quit! Sorry. Perhaps message to myself to go to bed. Yep Solid, I think I'm going to spend tomorrow briefing him on the in's and out's of our capitol and then let him loose. What's the worst that could happen? Eeeek!

Hmm if she didn't feed her 4 year old for 10 hours she doesn't get to play neurotic and over protective.
Brief him well.

Crumbs -- am astonished at this lady's nerve and your tolerance.

Yes, agree with all, I would send him on his own, and I would phone SIL and tell her you can't afford to fund it so she should transfer money over. Hand him the phone so that she can explain to him why he can't do all that stuff if she refuses.

If your dh took time off from one of his jobs could DN travel by himself to meet him instead of having to go with him at 5am?

Hi there - blimey! Thought I would just add my two pennorth - I would suggest (your honour) that your SIL has this in mind for a regular arrangement - at least yearly and that you are effectively being part of her holiday childcare plans. I would suggest that you tell her straight and soon if this is acceptable (you sound much nicer than me!!) and if yes, that you will have to insist on significant pocket money if her son wants to do 'significant' things. She will also need to consider that if she doesn't want him to go on his own, she may need to pay for you guys too if you can't afford it.

I feel really sorry for your DN who has had two frustrating trips to London-to hold it out as a treat and then not let him do anything is unfair. However your SIL is to blame. I would take him in to do free things once, so that he knows how the tube works etc and then give him an A to Z and a packed lunch and let him go on his own. Get him to work out how much money he needs and let him phone his mother and tell her that she 'forgot'that it will cost a lot and he needs £xxx

What a f*&%ing liberty. I cannot believe that she just expects you to give her DS all the of the experiences that she was too lazy to give him herself.

I think that the babysitting idea while you take him out is a great idea, and you get the adderd bonus of being child-free (LOs anyway) for an afternoon etc.

I'm staggered by some people's selfishness.

YANBU at your thoughts to her but a little teeny tiny bit U if you don't do anything with him- it's not his fault.

I don't see how the OP is being U if she can't afford it? She hadn't planned on seeing her DN, is already paying extra to keep him in food etc and is now expected to show him around London too, with her children - you;re easily talking £100 for a day (at least!!)

Just wondered if you know anyone in your neighborhood who has kids his age? Just thinking back to my own experiences of being abroad at that age, (and also having foreign teenagers visit people in my village). By now he'll probably be suffering from peer-withdrawal and if you can find some friends for him to hang out with for a few days and do whatever it is teenage boys like to do together(am drawing a discreet veil over that one), or even teenaged girls and boys, he'll probably have the best holiday ever and forget about going into town... maybe.

Is your sil your dh's sister? If so then I think it is down to your dh to have a quiet word with her once this trip is over. As in, if you want to send dn over to visit in the future, please check with us that a) we'll be here and b) it's convenient. Sounds to me like she's getting away with it because no one will speak up to her.

Gosh! I think you have been massively accomodating already so you are certainly notBU but your sil certainly is.

I agree with everyone who has said this needs to be nipped in the bud now. Get your dh to phone her (with your dn there so he can hear exactly what's being said) and explain why you are unable to take him out and that he needs spending money if he is to go off on his own - it's up to her then to be the bad guy, not you.

Terribly awkward situation and if you could manage a free afternoon riding around on a bus that happens to go past some sights it would be a kind gesture to your dn as it's not his fault his mother is barking.

Oh! and please tell us more nuts stuff she has done!! My jaw literally hit the floor with just this story but i sense you have many more...

How is DN with your 4 yo? You say you can't manage museums and public transport, but if you put it to DN that you need him to be "in charge" of the 4 yo so that you can make it work out and you will take them to the Science museum (which is free IIRC). That might be one way of pleasing everyone.

Just want to firstly say thanks for all the suggestions, there were quite a few options that I hadn't considered and I thought I'd give you an update. After an exasperating day yesterday trying to find a solution and hitting brick walls, we've (almost) got it sorted, DH's darling friend has offered to take him round one day in return for us helping out with some DIY at her flat and a home cooked meal, God bless her heart! The only hitch we have now is that DN will HAVE to come in at 5am with DH as his friend works with him in the morning and we can't expect her to go and pick him up (she's in her 50's and is already going to be doing plenty of schlepping about) and his mum has vetoed him travelling on his own, I can't escort him in as I have a midwife appointment so he's just going to have to get an early night and suck it up.

Both DH and I have had 'chats' with both SIL and DN (honestly the issue isn't standing up to her, DH isn't backwards in telling her straight she's just incredibly brazen). I was fairly tactful but firm convo about people having realistic expectation's and understanding things from other peoples perspective. SIL did an almost complete 180 by the end of the convo and was saying 'oh yes he must fit in with you, you can't be walking round the city with children, you should be getting him to clean the house and do the garden....' I was like 'steady on sister, I only want reasonable expectations, not my own personal child slave', although...... I gather DH's chat was less tactful and quite possibly contained expletives!

Sounds like you've found a good solution, Rosesinautumn. Hopefully SIL will learn something from this!

YANBU AT ALL
Your SIL is clearly mad as a box of frogs being unreasonable to think she can off load a teenager on you and expect you to entertain him for 2 weeks.

I think you need to have a strong worded conversation with her, and soon

lol at "my own personal child slave". Glad you've reached a solution.

Ignore SIL request for him not to travel on his own (he presumably did on the plane!). Give him a tube map and an A-Z and send him into town to meet DHs fabulous sightseeing friend. If she has such a prob with this she shouldn't have sent him over and maybe she'll think twice next time.

Good on you for sorting something out and there's plenty of free things to do. Just refuse to do anything that costs unless SIL wires money to DN.

Definitely put your foot down next time and say you're away (and can't use your house).

Good luck

Laadeeda - I shall oblidge your request and elaborate on our road trip I mentioned before. In almost a decade with DH, your right, there are plenty of stories but this was 3 days jam packed with fruit and nut!

About 7yrs ago DH and I were going on a belated honeymoon to Venice but had cut it a couple of days short so we could go to Germany first to take (and DH to build) a computer for BIL as he was setting up a buisness and to take SIL and her DS2 (not both kids because apparently that's too difficult - can't see it myself ),on a trip to Genevre. The drive was a good 10 hrs of hidieousness. DH and SIL argued the wholeway the cream of which was SIL accusing us of not doing enough for her and family and not treating her the same as the rest of the family!? Err shortened honeymoon, giving them a computer, taking and paying for a road trip apparently doesn't count .

As I mentioned earlier, SIL wouldn't eat in any of the service stations as she had packed a lunch (brioche and 3 apples) and actually tried to persuade us to not stop at all and eat whilst driving (she wanted to get to Genevre in time to do some shopping).

Now, SIL had done this trip before and had said that she was going to reserve some rooms in a hotel across the boarder in France but managed to forget to tell us that infact she hadn't done this. She hadn't done it because on ringing the hotel they had asked for a credit card and I think the shock at the prospect of potentially having to part with any cash (they weren't going to charge the card, they just wanted it as a guarantee) that she had probably gone into cardiac arrest and slammed the phone down! Ok so we'll just book a room when we got there but Non, non, what eeze this? It's a French Bank Holiday? Zere are non vacances....there, or any bloody where else!

We're driving round trying to find somewhere to stay and DH is starting to really loose the plot because he's starving so we're also looking for somewhere to pick some food up and to her utter delight SIL spots a Carrefore and suggests we stop there and get some cheese and bread and other sundry items. Magnifique! Quick and simple, total genius idea from SIL. DH and I go in, grab our grub and tell SIL that we'll meet her in the car. An hour later (it's almost 9pm by now) DH has to go in an practically drag her out as she "loves Carrefore and just HAS to look at all the products, I can't miss an aisle!" . DH snaps and says something like "Oh well, go back in then, why not? We're in a car park, might as well bed down here for the night"! To whit SIL cries "We can't sleep in the car! I have my child with me!" Oh you noticed that did you?!

Thankfully the Gods were smiling on us and we found this fab backpackers place that was kind of prefab units with bunkbed rooms and shared 'shower pods', very basic but dirt cheap and clean. SIL refused to stay there and took herself back to the car as we were checking in (bearing in mind it's about 10pm now). We left her to stew in the car as we showered and changed and then DH bellowed something in arabic out of the window at her. He wouldn't tell me what he said but she got out of the car and came in .

The next morning we breakfasted. I say we, I mean DH and I, SIL wouldn't have any as there was Ham on the buffet (DH and fam are Muslim) although quite why that stops you having a bowel of cereal from an individual box, I never did find out. Perhaps the pork molecules travel through the ether and permeate the cardboard? Who knows. DN didn't get brekky either by the way .

Off we set to Genevre. I was driving, the traffic was Bank holiday heavy. We're queing at a T junction, Genevre is left, Evian is right. I am, obviously, in the left turn lane. DH and SIL are bickering in arabic and as we approach the front of the queue DH tells me i'm in the wrong lane. Confusion "Erm no I'm not", "Yes you are, were going to Evian now". O.Kaaaay. So, amid much hornblowing and fist waving from the other drivers, I turn right.

On arriving at Evian, we park, get out, have a little walk along the lakeside, take pictures of the mountains. We've been there 15-20mins and DH and SIL start bickering AGAIN. I interject and ask whats wrong, DH informs me that SIL wants to go to Genevre now. And there ladies, we hit my limit. I start ranting at SIL "Go? Go! We just got here, why the feck did you want to come here anyway? Are you deranged or something? Don't tell me we just drove 40mins in the OPPOSITE direction to looks at some fecking mountains that ICOULDHAVESEENONTHESIDEOFAWATERBOTTLE?" DH was almost crying with laughter by the time I'd finished and SIL looked like she was sucking a lemon. We stayed there 3 hrs before going to Genevre, much to SIL chargrin .

It didn't end there and I've left bits out but I think that's more than enoungh to see that SIL ranks Lieutenant Colonel in the Barmy Army .

Oh that's my quote of the week right there!

Roses, your SIL is going to go down in MN legend. She sounds like the loudest barker on Planet Barking . So sorry for your current predicament, but it has made me laugh.

Woof woof to that!

You need to invite her to stay. There would be hours of entertainment for us all!