AIBU to not contribute £190 for a birthday present?

[Cowardice]

I know I'm not, but it's being twisted to present that I am...

A bit of background.. (first of all, I am a regular poster, I use this name as an alias for more private stuff, mostly to talk about childhood abuse)

It is my father's 'big' birthday at the end of September. I come from a family of 9 children, I'm in the middle... (some of those details may be different in other posts, that's just how paranoid I am about being idenitifed as I think my brother's wife uses this forum) Anyway... my brother decided that as it was a big birthday, our father needed a big gift... costing £1800.

He has a hobby, again I'm not posting what his hobby is as it may also identify me, but suffice to say it is an expensive hobby, think antiques.

My brother has found an 'antique' which he thinks will make an 'ideal' birthday gift... for a man who is ungrateful, thankless, unemotional and abusive... I could go on, but I spent 18 months in therapy trying to forget..

Myself and my sisters were systematically abused throughout our childhood, resulting in deep rooted emotional problems for most of us, with the exception of one, who claims nothing ever happened - we call her the ostrich. Problem is, we've never told anyone (our brothers included) except doctors and counsellors, we've ever admitted it to anyone who could do something about it, not even to each other until much later in life... as a result, I hate the man, never see him... though when I do, I try to remain civil for my mothers sake (she doesn't know, though I often suspect she may do)

ANyway, I told my brother I wasn't giving him the money, I had no intention of handing over a huge chunk of my monthly budget for someone who will, more than likely, auction the item off and pocket the difference... not that it matters, cos I wouldn't be giving the cash anyway!! Now it seems that everyone else has agreed & as I am not paying, they all have to fork out extra, which isn't going down too well.... WHY????

Sorry for such a long & deeply disturbed post, sorry for those who began to read & think it may have been a light hearted post... I am genuinely confused as to why my sisters want to do this... why they can't see where I'm coming from... AIBU? Should I just hand £190 over for a man who cost me much more than that in therapy????

Sorry to pour all this out, I have said it all before on here, but I felt it right that the background info be taken into consideration!!

Should be interesting when he dies, whos going to get the gift or are you all going to sell it and split the money. Sorry probably shouldn't make light of the situation!!!

You are right, it is mad. Stand outside it!

danthe4th - if the gift is sold it will have nothing to do with me... in fact, he will most likely sell it himself & die alone in a hotel bar!

Thank you all for listening to me, for the advice and for reinforcing the fact that I am not being unreasonable.

I don't think you need to worry that others will be suspicious that anything is up, YANBU at all to not want to contribuet such a large amount for a birthday present. Just say it your household budget doesn't allow for a present that expensive.

The thing is, even if you subtract all the abuse and history from the situation, even if you were a "normal" happy family, £190 would still be insane. Stick to your guns. You sound like a strong, good person - don't let this ridiculous birthday thing knock you back.

No I wouldn't. Also, you were abused, could he be doing it do any other child or in the past other than you and your sisters? Your brothers have a right to know imo as their children could also be abused. I am so sorry you had to go through that, it is totally wrong for you to be abused by the person that's supposed to protect you and love you.

I would definitely go to the police, this man should pay for what he has done. I would never, ever see or speak to him again after this EVER. I would end this family secret, it's what he wants. Of course he'll be happy this way, got what he wanted, noone knows, he's "safe" and worst of all, he has got away with it.

Look outside your situation and imagine it was someone else, now think what advice you would give them. It's not easy when you're on the inside but you shouldn't have gone through that and neither should your sisters or possibly other children in the past and maybe future? What if he does it again?

I think the first thing I'd do is get it all out in the open, you have nothing to be ashamed about, I can see why you may feel that way but nothing was your fault. You were abused and taken advantage of by the person that should have been caring for you and giving you safety and comfort in your home. (((hugs)))

Hi Cowardice, i really had to think when you asked me when and how my mother told me. I noticed from a young age that although my mothers parents lived far closer to us the relationship my sister and i had with them was completly different than with my fathers parents.
For instance like yourself with your kids we were never ever left alone with`my mothers father,whereas we used to stay at my fathers parents for the school holidays in the other side of the country.

I think i was possibly eleven ish when my mother first said something,when i was looking at a photo of her at around four years old and said she looked really cheeky and confident,she said that she "soon had that knocked out of her".

I had known that the family were poor and she was made to leave school at 15 by her father also the fact that he was never spoken about with any love or affection was pretty obvious.

She would say the odd thing from then onwards but it was my father that told me stuff as well,i know that my mum left home and moved to Brighton where my father is from at 18 as her father bashed her head off a cooker knob so badly that she needed stiches...this was when she was with my father.

She like you has done extremly well for herself and was and is a fantastic mother to me,there has been a couple of things that are very obviously linked to the abuse that she does though,withg friends she never lets them get to close,i asked her about this once and she said people are always nosey about your past etc,which is such a shame as abuse should be nothing for her to be ashamed of,only him.

His funeral by the way was pretty basic,still a few tears from the kids but nothing like when my gran died,i notice the sisters and brothers talk about my gran lots and reminice but never about their father.

Don't be guilt tripped into paying out cash to someone like that,he deserves nothing.