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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my BIL to sod off at christmas and visit another time?

47 replies

ItsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 10:26

Oh its so long I won't even go into it in detail.

I am a name change btw as he is nosey.

He lives in USA. lots of family coming over and accommodation plans already agreed, i have spent hours and hours looking for the right places for the family, all close together so we don't have to travel/drive and big enough to have a huge family christmas.

I will have a newborn baby (lets say 4 weeks old, depends on arrival of the little one), so we were going to stay with them all, rather than travelling back and forth back and forth.

Anyway, stupid selfish brother who wants it all his own way, and always scuppers plans, seemingly on purpose to wind everyone up, has now decided he wants to get his own place, in the city we live in. We were going to be sharing a house with him over christmas so its just thrown our plans completely. We are not planning on renting in the town we live in on the basis we cannot find anything for everyone that will suit.

he is acting like a child, and there is not need for it, both DH and I are considering just telling him to come on his own after christmas, as I think his issue is jealousy at other family member coming too, not him as the centre of the family.

Can I just tell him to sod off, or should we just let him call the shots?

OP posts:

cjones2979 · 09/08/2009 11:15

Are you due to have ceasarean ?? The reason I ask is because you keep talking about your DH having to look after you and your newborn etc.

Is this your first baby ?

I don't mean to be rude, but I have got 2 kids (didn't have a c section with either of them), and when my youngest was 4 weeks old we went and stayed overnight at a hotel for my BIL's wedding which was quite a way from home, so we would not have been able to nip back for anything. I didn't need to go and rest or have DH look after me. By the time the baby is 4 weeks old, you should be feeling near enough back to normal again after a normal delivery. You may be a bit tired, but I think you are maybe being a bit precious (understandable if it is your 1st baby), and if there are lots of family members around, you will have lots of help with the baby.
Even if you have to have a c section, you should be feeling a lot better by the time the baby is 4 weeks old. My SIL had c sections with both of her kids, and was driving again by the time they were 4 weeks old.

I don't think it is fair for your BIL to mess up everyone elses plans, but by the same token, I do feel just from reading your posts, that maybe a lot of the focus is on you and your DH and the fact that you will have a newborn baby and everything seems to be being arranged around that.

Let BIL do what he wants & just enjoy the break with the rest of your family.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh.

Original poster

ItsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 11:22

I have not planned a caesarian, and I do have a toddler too. I say about DH looking after me, as for health reasons, I have had a touch pregnancy and physically not at my best at all. Last pg was touch and go re caesarian which is why I hesitate regarding whether this will be needed this time around.

I am fully intending to be back on my feet and spritely by the time everyone else gets here. but I like to hope for the best, prepare for the worst. If we made plans around it all being tickety boo and its not, then we are messing it up. And, I would like to add, its not just me thinking like this, MIL in particular is keen that I rest lots with her grandson (its a boy we know already), and the others have been lovely and said they think this is a good way for me to relax after having a new baby. I personally think its nice to be fussed over and I am not going to refuse it!

I guess, glass half full, glass half empty, depends on your perspective.

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 11:26

So this is what I have done.

I have emailed him a very nice and polite email, asking him if he wishes us to continue booking somewhere for everyone, but with him in a smaller place rather than the bigger place, or would he prefer to sort out his own place in x city, while we continue with the plans to book in x village for everyone else, minus his property. I pointed out the pitfalls of him renting the apartment, kindly, and said the choice was his where he stayed, he would certainly be within driving distance of us.

So, his call. But made it clear we are continuing with our plans, we want him there with us, but we will be doing it that way regardless of him, in the nicest possible way.

OP posts:

Katisha · 09/08/2009 11:28

Why does nobody stand up to this man and having done so, ignore the sulking?
Why has nobody pointed out to him he does this time after time and can he just stop it please?
He's not going to change of his own volition because he has everyone anxiously running about after him.

Katisha · 09/08/2009 11:29

OK - x-post - sounds like this is starting to happen now! GOod luck!
But don't stand for any sulking.

Original poster

ItsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 11:38

katisha, DH had that discussion with him yesterday, he just pays no attention. Its like he has some kind of brain malfunction that makes it impossible to be happy with anyone's plans, or to care how his behaviour affects others. Or,just he does not like things to be kept simple, for some reason. Its very strange. Another lot of family, they are quite picky in their tastes, they like posh places, they are used to luxury, I expected them to be a pain, but they have been the most accommodating of the lot!!!!!

DH said he is behaving like he is the boss of the family, but without the doing of anything, just the moaning that he does not like what is being done!

OP posts:

franklymydear · 09/08/2009 11:42

If I was travelling across the Atlantic to visit family the very last thing I would want to be is stuck in a house with a family with a toddler and a newborn.

I don't think its selfish for someone to want their own space for their own family.

Original poster

ItsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 11:44

fair point, but why does he need to be in another location? and why now? And he would not have been stuck in a small house, it would have been a very large property!

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 11:47

Anyway, he has decided he wants his own place away from the family. That is what he is getting, and he can choose to come or not, stay where he wants, and we will stay with the rest of the family, just means a bit of reorganisation on the property front, but we will be able to re-arrange it somehow!

OP posts:

purpleduck · 09/08/2009 11:57

just leave him to it

2rebecca · 09/08/2009 12:34

I agree with franklymy dear. If he's as moody as you say then him being in his own place sounds a good idea. Just organise a place for those who want to be together and let him sort out his own accomodation and travel arrangements. If everyone is staying in your city though I'd have been inclined to stay at home with a small baby and let the rest of the family be together and get some sleep and just travel to them if it's all in the same city. A bit of personal space and some sleep can be a good thing if all together for a few days.

IsItMeOr · 09/08/2009 13:03

Having read latest posts, he does sound unreasonable.

As you were!

raindroprhyme · 09/08/2009 14:17

i would just carry on as you planned. sounds like he would choose to be miserable whatever happened so his loss.

bigchris · 09/08/2009 15:24

let us know the answr to your email

HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/08/2009 16:09

why not just tell him to sort out his own accommodation and you'll see him when he gets here. And take no further interest in the matter. Why are you running around after him sorting stuff out?

How it turns out is his problem and if he moans, remind him that it was his decision, nobody elses.

vonsudenfed · 09/08/2009 16:29

I understand just what you're on about. It's not really about the accommodation right now, it's all to do with him just having to throw a spanner in family plans - as you said in your original post, it's all about not being the centre of attention.

My brother's partner is exactly the same. Every time we have some kind of family gathering, she has to throw some kind of wobbly about something (usually something really trivial), or - her latest trick - about whether or not she will come or not. It's attention seeking, and generallyd designed to put her at the centre of a family event that isn't, in the end, mainly about her. After several years of extreme irritation, I (and the rest of my family) have decided to ignore her - it's fine if she does and fine if she doesn't. I don't think she's noticed the difference, but it makes me feel a whole heap better about it all.

[in case this makes me seem a bit cold-hearted about her - I can see exactly why she does this, her family are even more divorced than my own, and her own family gatherings are quite fraught. But it's still irritating beyond belief]

I think you're doing just the right thing; make his actions his own problem and no one elses (and you can have just as much of a fun time with not everyone there all the time) and then get on with it.

Ripeberry · 09/08/2009 16:41

Why not leave them all to it this year? Go off somewhere FAR AWAY. All sounds far too stressfull with a young baby.
When my DD1 was born her first Xmas was when she was 6 months old.
On Xmas day we must have visited at least 5 different sets of relatives and I was exghausted and just cried when I got home.
Now we pop in to visit one relative a year at Xmas.

JodieO · 09/08/2009 17:37

How far away from the rest of you will he be? Surely if he wants his own space with his own family then he should be "allowed" to? He has children and a wife to think about as well and clearly he will put them first in these plans. For all your know they might just not be comfortble sharing with someone else and want more privacy.

I wouldn't want to stay with other people and maybe he felt pushed into it before which is why he's left it until now. Maybe he found a good deal with the flat? Either way, he's an adult with a family and can make his own decisions. They may want time together as a family during Christmas themselves.

wonderingwondering · 09/08/2009 18:57

I can't think of anything I'd like less than being squeezed together with my extended family over Christmas. And I'd hate my family Christmas being organised by someone else, a sister, SiL, whatever.

Just let him know what your plans are and leave him to it, he can make his own plans to spend as much or as little time with you and the rest of your extended family as he likes. The fact that you think his ideas are more effort for him is irrelevant.

Perhaps being pregnant and facing the prospect of a newborn and a toddler and Christmas, there is (understandably) a tendency to go in to planning overdrive, when most normal people like to make plans for Christmas some time in November/December!

Original poster

itsaJollyHolidayforMary · 09/08/2009 20:15

JodieO - his wife is chinese so does not usually celebrate christmas, she is a big family person and its usually her who want us to spend time together, for example, we went over last christmas and were going to rent a local place and she insisted we stay with them as we are all family. I am sure he wants the space, and he is allowed to do anything he pleases,. Just a shame he has to be this way about it.

wonderingwondering - not overdrive at all. There are a lot of people to sort out their flights, and large accommodation for christmas has to be booked early as it gets snapped up. Once the accommodation is booked, everyone can sort out their flights, whenever they are ready/able, and my job is done. It makes sense for me and DH to sort out accommodation as I live here, can visit if needed, and know the local area

OP posts:

msled · 09/08/2009 20:24

Treat him like a toddler. Ignore attention seeking behaviour, and don't reward a tantrum with more attention. So if he wants to drop out of the plans, fine, his choice, just tell him that he will have to sort out his own accommodation and you will see him there.
I'd LOVE a big family Christmas in a large house by the way - and I know you cannot book a large house for Christmas in November! If someone had organised all this for the family, I'd never have the bad manners and ingratitude to ask them to sort out something else especially for me. If I didn't want it, I'd find my own accommodation or stay at home.

2rebecca · 10/08/2009 20:23

I don't see why him wanting his own accomodation and telling you before you book it is attention seeking, but then I don't see why his wife saying she doesn't know if she'll come or not is attention seeking.
Surely if she decides not to come to a gathering and he decides to stay away from the brood they are avoiding attention not seeking it? He's given you over 4 months warning of his intentions. Tell him to book his own place and ignore him. I really don't see why this is a tantrum. Why should your brother not have his own space at Christmas if that's what he wants? You sound in controlling big sister mode.

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