To have sent this text?

[LoveMyGirls]

I have just sent this text to a friend I have been friends with for 15
years, we go through stages of being closer than other times but generally we have always been there for each other. I asked her to be my bridesmaid because I couldn't imagine getting married and her not being a big part of my day, the getting ready together, hen do, choosing dresses etc

In the past 17months there have been numerous times I have asked her to come to something wedding related (looking for dresses or shoes or make up trial for us all) and she has declined because of other plans (fair enough at times I understand)
there have been times it's been crucial for her to be there like when they ordered their bridesmaid dresses and she has come with us but has been a bit awkward about it like it's really inconvienient even when I've given plenty of notice.

At one point I gave her the chance to not be my bridesmaid, said I really wouldn't mind if she was too busy or didn't want to. She insisted she did want to.

Now she hardly answers her phone, doesn't text me back yet if I happen to pop round she's back to how she normally is and we can spend hours chatting.

I'm upset because I text her and she doesn't reply, with 5 weeks to go I've got enough on without having to keep trying her phone etc

Today I text her to say her dress would be ready in a couple of weeks and I'm so excited etc she hasn't replied.

We're supposed to be going shopping for shoes and jewellery tomorrow and she hasn't rung me to find out what time we're going or whose picking her up etc.

AIBU to think this is rude and not the actions of a supposed best friend of 15years?

So I have sent her this text
XX will pick you up at xxam tomorrow for shopping. Also I'm a bit upset because I'm getting a bit stressed about everything and you are my bridesmaid yet you never call me, it's always me calling you. I'm also upset because I'm trying to get stuff organised and you give the impression our wedding doesnt matter to you. Maybe I'm being OTT but I thought you were one of my closest friends but at the moment it really doesn't feel like it.

Yes I've got PMT but still she's being rude surely?

OK LMG in that case I would send a message or a note saying, 'I don't really think your heart is in this and I feel I need someone with more time and energy to devote towards supporting me here. So I have chosen a different bridesmaid. You are off the hook but please please come to the wedding and we can move on from there. Sorry if you're upset. I'm sure you'll understand it's a very big day for me and I need to make sure things are how I want them to be as much as poss.'

Then pick another more deserving, more interested bridesmaid.

You need to work out a way to move on from this so it doesn't cast a shadow over your special day.

Does she work? does she have dc? does she have a life? if she is anything like me, well i dont have time to shit during the week and weekends i spend trying to catch my breath, and as for text messages, i always forget to reply to them, i dont do it on purpose, i just dont have my mobile surgically attached to my hand, most of the time i dont hear it, or even know where it is, so dont get messages till hours later

YABU to send that text, if you have an issue with her, talk to her in person, i fecking hate it when people send emotional spillage by text

sorry, came up with code when I tried to post .

She has 1 ds whose 6, she works 3 days a week, whereas I have 2 dds and work full time. She has just had an iphone which last time I saw her was pretty much in her hand the whole time.
I don't want to tell her not to be my bridesmaid, I just want her to understand I'm also busy and would like her to call me sometimes.

seventeen months of planning would take the shine off anything good god takes less than 9 to get ready for a baby.... give her a break and take your pre wedding jitters out on someone else also whats with the constant need to text? personally texting infuriates me especially if its to confront someone about something just pick up the phone arrange the time if shes out leave a message - job done.

Some people are just too wrapped up in their own wee worlds to reply to texts and some others just don't think that confirming times to meet is vital.

I am a bit like you and 100% see where you're coming from.... in fact, it sounds a bit like a 'friend' I have, and it's the sort of text I'd send! I am in agreement with you.

I think the best thing to do would be to wait and see if she turns up tomorrow and how she gets on with everyone.

Try to have a quiet word with her in person and see what the score is.

If she is mean or doesn't seem to care, give me a ring, I'll be your bm.

I do agree with loopy that 17 months of this has probably bored her rigid - and that is with the best will in the world! Weddings are boring, the planning of them even more so unless you are the bride.

I think you are expecting too much. Take what she can give with good grace and don't ask for more. You have asked her to be your bridesmaid, and it should be about her being at your wedding as a companion not about whether she has done this that or the other

all you actually need her to do is wear the dress and show up on the day, imvho.

Yes she is being unsupportive and perhaps a bit rude, but I would never put stuff like that in a text. Its always better in person. But its done now. Hope you two can sort it out. Perhaps I would apologise for the text being a bit heavy and explain you're a bit stresssed, and hopefully she will apologise too and all will be well.

I sometimes have problems with Iphone texts. There can be a time lag on them for some reason, particularly Iphone to Iphone but also non-Iphone to Iphone and vv. She may not have received your text. I would follow it up with a call to confirm tomorrow's arrangements and if she said she got your text then I'd be looking for another bridesmaid.

Sorry LMG I think you have lost all sense of perspective about this

I would ring her up and apologise and back off a bit on all the wedding stuff.

You should never, ever send a text message with such an emotional outpouring. If she doesn't reply to your regular texts, what on Eart do you imagine she's going to do with this one?! You need to sit down with her and talk.

Also, 17 months is a heck of a long time to be planning a wedding 5 weeks is still a long way to go (many people plan their whole weddings in that time!). Try to chill a little, I am sure you will enjoy it all an awful lot more

I think you have to accept that to some people it just doesn't seem important to look for shoes a year ahead or have a 'make up trial'

Yes ideally she could support you by showing an interest in this stuff but 17 months is a hell of a long time to do so when she has a child and a 3 day a week job!!!!

Sorry - I think you are being bridezilla! Over 17 months she hasn't always been free to go shopping, but HAS turned up when it's important. Well that is life. No matter how close i am to someone, or how important I think occasions are to them, I am BUSY, and struggle to fit everything in.

I seem to have not been organised this year to get birthday cards and presents in time to friends and family this year. Harder as I am abroad, but i feel terrible about it. I do care and i haven't forgotten but somehow life gets in the way....

Playing devils advocate a bit but...

Did you sit down with her at the beginning when you asked her to be your bridesmaid and discuss exactly what you expected her to do and how often you were expecting her to do wedding things with you?

What's 'obvious' and 'can't imagine it being done any other way' to one person is often completely 'unobvious' and 'I can't believe they would do it that way' to another person. Doesn't make either way right or wrong, just means that people have very different backgrounds and experiences and thus expectations and different understandings of what the same things are.

It could well be that she was expecting to do a day of bridesmaids dress/etcs shopping, maybe a fitting, maybe an afternoon of looking at some wedding dresses that you had already shortlisted and then then going to the hen do and being around on the day itself - this might already have been a struggle with her other committments or maybe things have changed (maybe she's poorly or pg or stressed at work or with kids or who knows) but she thought she could sort it out but then suddenly you are expecting her to spend six times the amount of time she was thinking she would have to and the only way she can deal with it is to bury her head in the sand.

Maybe she is posting on MN somewhere saying 'My friend is getting married soon and is expecting me to spend all my spare time wandering around shopping and I can't because of XYZ...' How do you think you would react if you saw such a post?

Has she been married - were you involved in her wedding if so? And how much time did that involve - did she spend a lot of time planning and getting others to come with her or not? If not, she might be feeling that you are trying to make her spend more time on your wedding than her own and that it feels too much. Or maybe if she hasn't been married she would like to be and doing all this with you is too much of a painful reminder of what she wants but can't have...

And have you done anything with her that is not wedding related since you got engaged? I know you said you have talked about other stuff - but have you gone out and not talked wedding or gone out shopping but not for wedding stuff or been for a walk or done training with her new puppy? If not, she might feel that the friendship has all gone very one directional.

It sounds like you have more than one bridesmaid from the OP - does she get on with the others, is it something like she doesn't want to spend time with them particularly? Maybe she is expecting the matron of honour or chief bridesmaid to do a lot of this stuff with you?

Sorry, just lots of questions rather than answers. I can see why you sent the text but agree with lots of the other posters that texts are probably not the way to go for this sort of stuff, even if you feel that it is the only way that you can contact her as it feels like she is avoiding you.

Maybe you are in a vicious circle - the more you try to contact her, the more pressured she feels and the less she will feel the want or inclination to call you back. Maybe stepping back a bit will actually work in your favour, even if it is just agreeing some stuff when you see her (assuming she still is able to go!) tomorrow.

Before you ask her what you want her to do for you and your wedding in the next five weeks, it would be worth asking her what she is thinking that she would like to do and be able to do in that time so that you are able to balance the two if they are very different so she doesn't feel pressured to do something she isn't able to do or feel like she is letting you down. Giving her a bit of control back instead of giving her lots of things to be involved with or opt out might make it easier for her to do the bits she is able to do without stressing about what she can't do and thus make her happier about being a bridesmaid IYSWIM!

Hope you make it to the wedding without too much stress and the friendship intact!

If a friend of mine asked me to be her bridesmaid I would expect to

1. go to a dress fitting (possibly) for the bridesmaid dress if it wasn't being bought off the peg.

1. go to the hen night.

1. go to a wedding rehearsal if the wedding wass being held in a church.

1. not get drunk on the day itself.

Anything above and beyond those would be more of a call on my time and commitment than I had anticipated and I would possibly begin to feel a tiny bit resentful.

LOL Mintyy A woman after my own heart

I agree entirely with the last two posts; you seem to expect a very high level of commitment to her which is quite possibly well above and beyond what she had anticipated would be required.

If it was me I wouldn't expect to do much more than on Mintyy's list - possibly add in a amke-up/hair trial but that's it. I honestly don't know any other bridesmaids who have had to do more than this.

I think you shouldn't have sent the text; you seem to be expecting her to be as excited as you - but it's your day, not hers. I'm sure she will be looking forward to it, and happy/pleased for you, but thinking she is going to be leaping about rushing to respond to a text saying her dress is nearly ready is unrealistic. She's a grown woman with a life and a family of her own.

Isn't it precisely to avoid these sort of situations that bridesmaids are meant to be young single women, so they don't have other pressures and can devote all their spare time to the bride to be without other stuff getting in the way?

You will have to speak to her face to face. But I think setting out your expectations, and calmly finding out what hers were/are is the way to go, not trying to guilt her in to being more involved.....

I do think that she should respond to your texts though, to be fair to you.

Thanks everyone, sorry I went to bed last night, I was tired and emotional.

My friend rang me last night and we had a good chat she apologised and said she really had no idea I was feeling like that and I apologised for being OTT explained it was stress and pmt.

I do have other bm's and they have been more involved, one is keeping my dress at her house for me, another has been to pretty much everything I've asked her to she has gone over and above what I expected and I'm very grateful to her, my sister is my cheif bm and she's been really excited since she got back from her hols.

I didn't sit down with any of them and explain anything to start with because I have never been married and had no idea what I would need tbh.

Today I will mention or maybe write down the dates I will need her over the next 5 weeks.

In answer to some questions before I let this thread die....

My friend isn't married and doesn't want to get married though her dp does want to.
She has been bridesmaid before for a friend who was a lot more high maintenence than me so I do think she knew what was involved more than I did as I wasn't involved in her friends wedding.

I have been over and walked the dog with her and chatted about things other than the wedding in the past 3 weeks.

As for her being bored of wedding stuff I honestly doubt that because she has been the least involved because I do understand she has a ds when none of my other bm's have children, my sister does have 2 step sons but they are in their teens and don't live with her all the time.

Well, it sounds as if you have sorted it out! Good news.